Dear Lady from pa: I DO understand "my husband's side of it" even though I don't have the disease and he does. I am a mature, fair-minded, patient, understanding, woman who has the ability to "not just think of myself and how I feel, but how another feels". I have done this all the time, and still DO; however, I do also think that if I don't think of myself, then no one else will (even though my husband SAYS he does, to me ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS), yes, even regardless of his "illness". Since I posted over a month ago he sort of gave me a "reprieve" at the moment from his crap attitude (yes, I understood what it was at the time, I knew it was either/all the disease/treatments/meds/mental which was affecting him... Well, in HIS case, I FINALLY "had a talk" with him when I was at the end of my rope, and he MUST have "listened" because "miraculously" he started being "nicer" toward me and in general (even my daughter noticed it, she lives with us and just had a new baby). So, that proved to me that for HIM, it was MENTAL and not the treatments/meds. I KNOW what his meds do as I educate myself on the side-effects of his drugs and they are NOT what makes him a jerk in particular-- THAT is his "mental attitude", not the treatments/drugs themself, but his feelings/thoughts about having the disease (which I also understand and give him the benefit of the doubt on). My point is that I have not wanted to take CRAP off him because he's in a bad mood because he's got ESRD, even if I know it's bad for him to have it. I STILL think that if I was the one who got diagnosed that I would do everything in my power to NOT treat him or anyone else like crap, because that is MY personality and obviously he does NOT have my personality. All I can say is that it's a good thing he started to be "nice" for a change because with all the stress we have to live with (financial, emotional, physical, his illness, my daughter living with us with a new baby, etc.) that I would not have been able to continue to cope with him with his nasty attitude. Now that he's being nicer at the moment that helped me (1) to realize he IS able/capable of being nice, (2) that I am obviously better able to cope with/tolerate/deal with him if he's not being nasty and it makes my life easier and somewhat better (which I'm hoping does not mean that I'm not "detaching" enough to have either his bad/nice attitude affect me at all, (3) and that if he "turns bad/nasty again" that I will start AGAIN "wanting to get out/leave him". I just can't take it and now I pretty much know that even more now, seeing BOTH sides of him take place from Jan-May since he was diagnosed. I see now that he can be nice and not nasty and also that his condition seems to be possibly improving with his ESRD so he should be happy about that. I try to be hopeful and positive with him and I have NOT ever yet to this day been mean, nasty, rude, disrespectful, etc. to him, and again, nor do I plan to be as I posted last month. I still don't really want to be in this situation, but I am in it and am "doing the right thing" ("Just be there when he needs you".) Well, I am doing that. The other side to that is that I have to be here for MYSELF if he's not going to. So that makes it a one-sided relationship when you're with someone who's ill I guess?! Seems so. Right now he's "doing better". I am hesitant to let myself believe it "will stay this way from now on". I do always feel I must STAY REALISTIC and not "what I wish things would be". I don't believe they will be (regarding intimacy, our "dreams", finances, etc.). I still feel as though I would rather be alone and on my own; however, I am going to really study over what Dave Balch wrote, as his post I think I can really relate to (about the questions of leaving or staying). Thank you all for your posts, sharing of experiences, and all.
New Nan from Texas
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Dear Lady from pa: I DO understand "my husband's side of it" even though I don't have the disease and he does. I am a mature, fair-minded, patient, understanding, woman who has the ability to "not just think of myself and how I feel, but how another feels". I have done this all the time, and still DO; however, I do also think that if I don't think of myself, then no one else will (even though my husband SAYS he does, to me ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS), yes, even regardless of his "illness". Since I posted over a month ago he sort of gave me a "reprieve" at the moment from his crap attitude (yes, I understood what it was at the time, I knew it was either/all the disease/treatments/meds/mental which was affecting him... Well, in HIS case, I FINALLY "had a talk" with him when I was at the end of my rope, and he MUST have "listened" because "miraculously" he started being "nicer" toward me and in general (even my daughter noticed it, she lives with us and just had a new baby). So, that proved to me that for HIM, it was MENTAL and not the treatments/meds. I KNOW what his meds do as I educate myself on the side-effects of his drugs and they are NOT what makes him a jerk in particular-- THAT is his "mental attitude", not the treatments/drugs themself, but his feelings/thoughts about having the disease (which I also understand and give him the benefit of the doubt on). My point is that I have not wanted to take CRAP off him because he's in a bad mood because he's got ESRD, even if I know it's bad for him to have it. I STILL think that if I was the one who got diagnosed that I would do everything in my power to NOT treat him or anyone else like crap, because that is MY personality and obviously he does NOT have my personality. All I can say is that it's a good thing he started to be "nice" for a change because with all the stress we have to live with (financial, emotional, physical, his illness, my daughter living with us with a new baby, etc.) that I would not have been able to continue to cope with him with his nasty attitude. Now that he's being nicer at the moment that helped me (1) to realize he IS able/capable of being nice, (2) that I am obviously better able to cope with/tolerate/deal with him if he's not being nasty and it makes my life easier and somewhat better (which I'm hoping does not mean that I'm not "detaching" enough to have either his bad/nice attitude affect me at all, (3) and that if he "turns bad/nasty again" that I will start AGAIN "wanting to get out/leave him". I just can't take it and now I pretty much know that even more now, seeing BOTH sides of him take place from Jan-May since he was diagnosed. I see now that he can be nice and not nasty and also that his condition seems to be possibly improving with his ESRD so he should be happy about that. I try to be hopeful and positive with him and I have NOT ever yet to this day been mean, nasty, rude, disrespectful, etc. to him, and again, nor do I plan to be as I posted last month. I still don't really want to be in this situation, but I am in it and am "doing the right thing" ("Just be there when he needs you".) Well, I am doing that. The other side to that is that I have to be here for MYSELF if he's not going to. So that makes it a one-sided relationship when you're with someone who's ill I guess?! Seems so. Right now he's "doing better". I am hesitant to let myself believe it "will stay this way from now on". I do always feel I must STAY REALISTIC and not "what I wish things would be". I don't believe they will be (regarding intimacy, our "dreams", finances, etc.). I still feel as though I would rather be alone and on my own; however, I am going to really study over what Dave Balch wrote, as his post I think I can really relate to (about the questions of leaving or staying). Thank you all for your posts, sharing of experiences, and all.
May 18, 2009 - 11:19amNew Nan from Texas
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