Dear 30 year old: Your post made me feel less "crazy" (like I'm not the only one, also like I'm not imagining things, like your post was "validating/confirming" for me; i.e., cleaning up after him (which is disgusting for me, maybe not for someone else, but I am fairly easily repulsed), preparing meals and having him make sarcastic remarks about them when he is pissed off because of his renal diet, we hardly talk anymore about anything and he has finally almost killed any more trying on my part of it as I do not enjoy beating my head against a brick wall, all he talks about is his ailments every single day, I take care of all household chores, cleaning toilets, washing all his clothes, doing/typing/filing his paperwork, all finances, errands, arranging things, he thinks he's "tidy" but he's got filthy non-hygienic habits, he does nothing but what HE wants and doesn't do what he doesn't want to it seems. I try not to babysit/caretake/enable too much, but with his placid/passive-aggressive/stubborn attitude/behaviour, he makes things more difficult than they have to be. He acts like a petulant child. He needs to be "told what to do" very soon if he doesn't start being proactive with himself, taking action/doing what he knows he needs/supposed to do, being progressive/moving forward, and participating in this "situation" as a UNIT (not just about him, which he seemingly expects, plus for ME to "go along with him" too, as though I have no say-so and am FORCED to "go along with", as if I don't have a choice, which makes me feel tied down/in prison/stuck/trapped, which makes me want to get out). That's my take on it anyway. Yes, I am a maid, look out for him, try to make sure all is in HIS best interest (what about ME?!, back to THAT again, which of course is what this entire forum is about). No, this is not what I want at all. It's not fair (and my husband has actually ADMITTED that to me and TOLD me that at the beginning of this thing-- WHAT ABOUT NOW?! He's acting like he never said all those "nice" things to me such as "you need a vacation", or "you don't deserve or need this in your life", or "this is not fair to you", or "if you stay with me you will suffer for the rest of your life, but I'm staying and not leaving"!? How is ANY of what he's doing not selfish?!?!? I do want to make sure I've got THAT right?! If I'm wrong, somebody please tell me! I realize I guess he's got to be selfish in the fact of doing what he's got to do to make sure he's taken care of with his disease (and I arranged ALL that for him); however, what part of all this is my solemn DUTY and OBLIGATION to "be there for him in whatever capacity HE NEEDS ME for the rest of my bloody life"!?!? And do all this based upon the fact that HE will NOT "be there for me" for the rest of my life! What about the concept that each person is responsible for themself? Of course they will want to have someone take care of them so that they don't have to be forced to go out of their way to take responsibility for and take care of themself! At least this is the case with my husband since he is not bedridden or mentally ill or paralyzed or any machines (except going to the dialysis treatment center which he can now drive himself). I don't see why I have to babysit/be a maid/fix everything/do what he doesn't want to do for him (which I try not to do, but he will let me do whatever I will). I swear if I see him shuffle around in his bloody slippers wearing wrinkled, stained, cigarette-burned clothes one more time I will.... I don't know what! I just don't know how much more I can take of him. He won't even take a bath, and he COULD, but he doesn't want to bother! Thank God he doesn't sleep in the same room with me. I have to wash his clothes separate from everything else and do the wash cycle TWICE. It's disgusting. I guess I'm just not cut out for this. I already raised my two kids a long time ago. A 51 year old man is not cute or attractive behaving like a child. This really turns me off. Again, if I'm wrong, someone tell me. I try to focus on the positive, but I've been burying all this for too long now as far as I'm concerned. Again, thank goodness there's this forum to vent in. Of course the other side, like *In Seattle wrote is that "every now and then" he will act "nice" (like bring me a cup of coffee or tea, or tell me that I "did something right", or that I look nice in my clothes or something. But not too much else. I'm not complaining that he's nice, but the "other crap" seems to have taken over and outweighs these fleeting moments of his niceness. It's not enough for me, it doesn't take away his critical, sarcastic, nasty attitude. And when I ask him on the spot, "are you trying to bust my chops" or "are you making fun of me" or "are you trying to be an a-hole", etc., he will OF COURSE DENY IT completely! (Again, he never admits to anything he might have done wrong). The poor little perfect angel innocent kidney disease martyred victim. Makes me sick. My mother was like that and I grew up with this stuff my whole life. Can't stand it. Don't want it. Don't need it. Want out. Hope to find out maybe what God thinks of all this soon? Guess that mind sound crazy to some people, but I don't have anywhere else to turn except to myself and a Power greater than myself for answers, and maybe sharing with others such as in this forum. I do know I will not stop or give up until I come up with something that I can live with. I am tenacious, patient, determined, dedicated, not a quitter, don't give up easily, a fighter, a survivor (but I want to do/have more of a life than just surviving and existing, as I've had enough of that in my 53 years and I'm tired of living that way, there's got to be more to life than this, and I'm going to try like heck to find it, AGAIN). I believe in finding solutions to problems and that's what I'm trying to do. I thank whoever started this forum as this is a big help in my "processing" and I do feel confident I will figure this out one way or another. I will find my peace with it somehow because I won't be satisfied until I do. I can't live my life without peace in it anymore, even though I'm having a hard time, I can still find my "place within myself" through doing some things that I like/want/need to do (journaling, writing, walking, reading, going for coffee, bookstore, etc.).
Thank you,
New Nan in Texas.
Comment Reply
Dear 30 year old: Your post made me feel less "crazy" (like I'm not the only one, also like I'm not imagining things, like your post was "validating/confirming" for me; i.e., cleaning up after him (which is disgusting for me, maybe not for someone else, but I am fairly easily repulsed), preparing meals and having him make sarcastic remarks about them when he is pissed off because of his renal diet, we hardly talk anymore about anything and he has finally almost killed any more trying on my part of it as I do not enjoy beating my head against a brick wall, all he talks about is his ailments every single day, I take care of all household chores, cleaning toilets, washing all his clothes, doing/typing/filing his paperwork, all finances, errands, arranging things, he thinks he's "tidy" but he's got filthy non-hygienic habits, he does nothing but what HE wants and doesn't do what he doesn't want to it seems. I try not to babysit/caretake/enable too much, but with his placid/passive-aggressive/stubborn attitude/behaviour, he makes things more difficult than they have to be. He acts like a petulant child. He needs to be "told what to do" very soon if he doesn't start being proactive with himself, taking action/doing what he knows he needs/supposed to do, being progressive/moving forward, and participating in this "situation" as a UNIT (not just about him, which he seemingly expects, plus for ME to "go along with him" too, as though I have no say-so and am FORCED to "go along with", as if I don't have a choice, which makes me feel tied down/in prison/stuck/trapped, which makes me want to get out). That's my take on it anyway. Yes, I am a maid, look out for him, try to make sure all is in HIS best interest (what about ME?!, back to THAT again, which of course is what this entire forum is about). No, this is not what I want at all. It's not fair (and my husband has actually ADMITTED that to me and TOLD me that at the beginning of this thing-- WHAT ABOUT NOW?! He's acting like he never said all those "nice" things to me such as "you need a vacation", or "you don't deserve or need this in your life", or "this is not fair to you", or "if you stay with me you will suffer for the rest of your life, but I'm staying and not leaving"!? How is ANY of what he's doing not selfish?!?!? I do want to make sure I've got THAT right?! If I'm wrong, somebody please tell me! I realize I guess he's got to be selfish in the fact of doing what he's got to do to make sure he's taken care of with his disease (and I arranged ALL that for him); however, what part of all this is my solemn DUTY and OBLIGATION to "be there for him in whatever capacity HE NEEDS ME for the rest of my bloody life"!?!? And do all this based upon the fact that HE will NOT "be there for me" for the rest of my life! What about the concept that each person is responsible for themself? Of course they will want to have someone take care of them so that they don't have to be forced to go out of their way to take responsibility for and take care of themself! At least this is the case with my husband since he is not bedridden or mentally ill or paralyzed or any machines (except going to the dialysis treatment center which he can now drive himself). I don't see why I have to babysit/be a maid/fix everything/do what he doesn't want to do for him (which I try not to do, but he will let me do whatever I will). I swear if I see him shuffle around in his bloody slippers wearing wrinkled, stained, cigarette-burned clothes one more time I will.... I don't know what! I just don't know how much more I can take of him. He won't even take a bath, and he COULD, but he doesn't want to bother! Thank God he doesn't sleep in the same room with me. I have to wash his clothes separate from everything else and do the wash cycle TWICE. It's disgusting. I guess I'm just not cut out for this. I already raised my two kids a long time ago. A 51 year old man is not cute or attractive behaving like a child. This really turns me off. Again, if I'm wrong, someone tell me. I try to focus on the positive, but I've been burying all this for too long now as far as I'm concerned. Again, thank goodness there's this forum to vent in. Of course the other side, like *In Seattle wrote is that "every now and then" he will act "nice" (like bring me a cup of coffee or tea, or tell me that I "did something right", or that I look nice in my clothes or something. But not too much else. I'm not complaining that he's nice, but the "other crap" seems to have taken over and outweighs these fleeting moments of his niceness. It's not enough for me, it doesn't take away his critical, sarcastic, nasty attitude. And when I ask him on the spot, "are you trying to bust my chops" or "are you making fun of me" or "are you trying to be an a-hole", etc., he will OF COURSE DENY IT completely! (Again, he never admits to anything he might have done wrong). The poor little perfect angel innocent kidney disease martyred victim. Makes me sick. My mother was like that and I grew up with this stuff my whole life. Can't stand it. Don't want it. Don't need it. Want out. Hope to find out maybe what God thinks of all this soon? Guess that mind sound crazy to some people, but I don't have anywhere else to turn except to myself and a Power greater than myself for answers, and maybe sharing with others such as in this forum. I do know I will not stop or give up until I come up with something that I can live with. I am tenacious, patient, determined, dedicated, not a quitter, don't give up easily, a fighter, a survivor (but I want to do/have more of a life than just surviving and existing, as I've had enough of that in my 53 years and I'm tired of living that way, there's got to be more to life than this, and I'm going to try like heck to find it, AGAIN). I believe in finding solutions to problems and that's what I'm trying to do. I thank whoever started this forum as this is a big help in my "processing" and I do feel confident I will figure this out one way or another. I will find my peace with it somehow because I won't be satisfied until I do. I can't live my life without peace in it anymore, even though I'm having a hard time, I can still find my "place within myself" through doing some things that I like/want/need to do (journaling, writing, walking, reading, going for coffee, bookstore, etc.).
May 22, 2009 - 8:11amThank you,
New Nan in Texas.
This Comment
Reply