Truthfully, I have been a victim staying true to my vows. His disease is one thing; but the abuse is another. If one can not admit or get help and continues to be abusive should the spouse endure the trauma? I dont agree and yet I stay. I stay for fear of the day that I do leave. I fear that the anger that is so rageful will be more than he or I can bear. I fear for the safety for myself and my children. Is that fair? Is that what we promised each other on that wedding day? Isn't there a committment from each side to honor and love and cherish; why is death do us part more relevant to some. I disagree. I wish I had the strength to leave. I am tired of going to bed only to find at 2:00 am he is mad and can't sleep. Something "little" and something I didn't even realize I did set him off. He is building his anger over time. He is like a volcano. I never know what or when he will be set off. My feelings are never validated. His trump mine day in and day out. I have no right to be angry. If I am angry; he is furious. I survive on just hours of sleep; he doesn't have to work or leave the house. He can rest. Well, I am tired, physically and mentally. And yet I stay. More power to those that leave. I am not young; I don't get to do it again. For all I know I will die tomorrow. Don't I deserve to be me and live at least without fear and anxiety? I know I do. I also do know what I am made of and am sick of being "tested". I am strong, I am smart, I am giving, I am tolerant, I am forgiving. I also am tired of living with my heart racing, crying, hiding my feelings, staying strong while I have to function and earn a living and being in fear when he is angry.
*Barbie in Seattle
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Truthfully, I have been a victim staying true to my vows. His disease is one thing; but the abuse is another. If one can not admit or get help and continues to be abusive should the spouse endure the trauma? I dont agree and yet I stay. I stay for fear of the day that I do leave. I fear that the anger that is so rageful will be more than he or I can bear. I fear for the safety for myself and my children. Is that fair? Is that what we promised each other on that wedding day? Isn't there a committment from each side to honor and love and cherish; why is death do us part more relevant to some. I disagree. I wish I had the strength to leave. I am tired of going to bed only to find at 2:00 am he is mad and can't sleep. Something "little" and something I didn't even realize I did set him off. He is building his anger over time. He is like a volcano. I never know what or when he will be set off. My feelings are never validated. His trump mine day in and day out. I have no right to be angry. If I am angry; he is furious. I survive on just hours of sleep; he doesn't have to work or leave the house. He can rest. Well, I am tired, physically and mentally. And yet I stay. More power to those that leave. I am not young; I don't get to do it again. For all I know I will die tomorrow. Don't I deserve to be me and live at least without fear and anxiety? I know I do. I also do know what I am made of and am sick of being "tested". I am strong, I am smart, I am giving, I am tolerant, I am forgiving. I also am tired of living with my heart racing, crying, hiding my feelings, staying strong while I have to function and earn a living and being in fear when he is angry.
May 26, 2009 - 9:37am*Barbie in Seattle
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