I am on the eve of moving out (part time), leaving my wife who has MS. I wanted to let the lady know that my thoughts are with her regardless of which decision she makes.
With this decision you need as much courage to deal with leaving or staying. Leaving will bring down judgement from everyone either you are right or wrong, uncaring selfish or sensible etc. If you stay you will continue to carry guilt for uncaring thoughts or actions.
I don’t have an answer for the lady but want to let her know that she has my complete support as she deals with the implications of her decision.
My wife and I married 15 years ago after she had already recovered from a serious head injury. We had one daughter who is now 13 years old and another who is 6. Following the birth of our second daughter my wife started to stumble, slur and choke. At the beginning of this year she was diagnosed with MS and is now unable to talk, walk eat or drink. She also swipes at me or glares when I try to help. She cannot help with the childrens welfare and safety but still is a big presence in their life.
We have care providers in when I am at work and to help out for a few hours when I am at home. The girls are either at school or at home with me and their mum. Grandparents fill in between school end and me finishing work.
So I have carried the burden of this decision for a few years and suddenly found myself viewing a rental property about ½ a mile from our family home; my own space away from invading judgemental do-gooders.
Tomorrow I move in for 3 nights a week, with our daughters. Why did I decide to do this?
I don’t really know but I have been asking myself whether I could have done more to develop our relationship as she has changed? Should I have been more accepting of carers invading our family home? Should I have given up full time work? Should I have been more understanding of the care providers when branding me a trouble maker for protecting our home against workplace rules and regulations? Should I have been more understanding of my in-laws as they accused me of being a bad husband behind my back?
Being a carer means giving up an awful lot trying to keep the cut backs within your limits. You agonise, self examine drive yourself to panic attacks trying to push the boundaries of your personal limits whilst constantly trying to maintain as normal a life as possible.
No wonder this lady feels trapped – it has been the overwhelming feeling I have had closely followed by the agonising sorrow at seeing our family unit slowly fall apart at the seams.
I am moving out tomorrow, as I said, for three nights and will be back on my camp bed for the rest of the week so the girls can still spend some time at home with their mum (although they spend most of the time ignoring her at the moment – this could change with stayiong away I hope)
Take heart though, you have done a marvellous thing in writing in as you now have support from someone who understands from experience and will not judge you.
People will judge me for abandoning my wife but I haven’t – I have simply set up my own respite. My wife stays at home and I clear off. May be worth a try for others? Whatever you choose my thoughts will be with you. Signing off now to take my wife to the loo.
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I am on the eve of moving out (part time), leaving my wife who has MS. I wanted to let the lady know that my thoughts are with her regardless of which decision she makes.
With this decision you need as much courage to deal with leaving or staying. Leaving will bring down judgement from everyone either you are right or wrong, uncaring selfish or sensible etc. If you stay you will continue to carry guilt for uncaring thoughts or actions.
I don’t have an answer for the lady but want to let her know that she has my complete support as she deals with the implications of her decision.
My wife and I married 15 years ago after she had already recovered from a serious head injury. We had one daughter who is now 13 years old and another who is 6. Following the birth of our second daughter my wife started to stumble, slur and choke. At the beginning of this year she was diagnosed with MS and is now unable to talk, walk eat or drink. She also swipes at me or glares when I try to help. She cannot help with the childrens welfare and safety but still is a big presence in their life.
We have care providers in when I am at work and to help out for a few hours when I am at home. The girls are either at school or at home with me and their mum. Grandparents fill in between school end and me finishing work.
So I have carried the burden of this decision for a few years and suddenly found myself viewing a rental property about ½ a mile from our family home; my own space away from invading judgemental do-gooders.
Tomorrow I move in for 3 nights a week, with our daughters. Why did I decide to do this?
I don’t really know but I have been asking myself whether I could have done more to develop our relationship as she has changed? Should I have been more accepting of carers invading our family home? Should I have given up full time work? Should I have been more understanding of the care providers when branding me a trouble maker for protecting our home against workplace rules and regulations? Should I have been more understanding of my in-laws as they accused me of being a bad husband behind my back?
Being a carer means giving up an awful lot trying to keep the cut backs within your limits. You agonise, self examine drive yourself to panic attacks trying to push the boundaries of your personal limits whilst constantly trying to maintain as normal a life as possible.
No wonder this lady feels trapped – it has been the overwhelming feeling I have had closely followed by the agonising sorrow at seeing our family unit slowly fall apart at the seams.
I am moving out tomorrow, as I said, for three nights and will be back on my camp bed for the rest of the week so the girls can still spend some time at home with their mum (although they spend most of the time ignoring her at the moment – this could change with stayiong away I hope)
Take heart though, you have done a marvellous thing in writing in as you now have support from someone who understands from experience and will not judge you.
People will judge me for abandoning my wife but I haven’t – I have simply set up my own respite. My wife stays at home and I clear off. May be worth a try for others? Whatever you choose my thoughts will be with you. Signing off now to take my wife to the loo.
January 3, 2010 - 12:14pmThis Comment
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