I have read through this thread of incredible conversation at least three times. It feels amazing yet strange to see so many other women living in such a similar situation. Some of you have made decisions that I am struggling with and some of you posted your situation many many months ago. I am curious if there is anyone out there that posted their situation a year or so ago and have comments about how they feel today about a decision to stay or go.
I have posted as timeforme on another thread, but essentially... I am nearly 44, been married about 15 years and have 2 children under the age of 10. My husband was diagnosed with Progressive MS about 10 or 11 years ago and has been in a wheelchair full time for about 8 of those years. We are lucky that he is still able to work full time as I have been unemployed for over 2 years after being the major breadwinner for all of our relationship.
I hear what so many women say .... it is not so much about the MS.. or the disease.. as it is about the emotions or the depression or the personality change. Yet, I am beginning to learn that this is all part of the disease. We tend to categorize the physical limitations of the disease, but the emotional and cognitive impact is also a natural affect and becomes a natural limitation.
I am the caregiver and I have become resentful.. I don't want to be this person, but I do not look forward to him being home. I work all day either with kids, job hunting, household or errands and know that I am totally on-duty when he arrives home. The MS takes over and takes control. We have great days and we have horrible days. I love him. I hate him. I love our family. I hate this disease. I hate what it has done to our coupledom, our relationship, our love affair and I have no control and I have no impact. People feel sorry for him and they expect from me.
All of the above has made me resentful and that is not who I am. I deal with this one day at a time and do my best to keep a smile on my face... but my family knows when I am not 'with the program'. I feel like I am suffocating on some evenings, some days....
I have set some goals for myself and will try to stick with them, but I am fearful of the impact on our children if I choose to leave eventually. They will blame me, most will blame me...
Really? am I doomed to this life? Is this horrible to think of my life like this? selfish?
I am really curious about how others have felt after they decided to stay or go and what impacts they had to deal with.
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I have read through this thread of incredible conversation at least three times. It feels amazing yet strange to see so many other women living in such a similar situation. Some of you have made decisions that I am struggling with and some of you posted your situation many many months ago. I am curious if there is anyone out there that posted their situation a year or so ago and have comments about how they feel today about a decision to stay or go.
I have posted as timeforme on another thread, but essentially... I am nearly 44, been married about 15 years and have 2 children under the age of 10. My husband was diagnosed with Progressive MS about 10 or 11 years ago and has been in a wheelchair full time for about 8 of those years. We are lucky that he is still able to work full time as I have been unemployed for over 2 years after being the major breadwinner for all of our relationship.
I hear what so many women say .... it is not so much about the MS.. or the disease.. as it is about the emotions or the depression or the personality change. Yet, I am beginning to learn that this is all part of the disease. We tend to categorize the physical limitations of the disease, but the emotional and cognitive impact is also a natural affect and becomes a natural limitation.
I am the caregiver and I have become resentful.. I don't want to be this person, but I do not look forward to him being home. I work all day either with kids, job hunting, household or errands and know that I am totally on-duty when he arrives home. The MS takes over and takes control. We have great days and we have horrible days. I love him. I hate him. I love our family. I hate this disease. I hate what it has done to our coupledom, our relationship, our love affair and I have no control and I have no impact. People feel sorry for him and they expect from me.
All of the above has made me resentful and that is not who I am. I deal with this one day at a time and do my best to keep a smile on my face... but my family knows when I am not 'with the program'. I feel like I am suffocating on some evenings, some days....
I have set some goals for myself and will try to stick with them, but I am fearful of the impact on our children if I choose to leave eventually. They will blame me, most will blame me...
Really? am I doomed to this life? Is this horrible to think of my life like this? selfish?
I am really curious about how others have felt after they decided to stay or go and what impacts they had to deal with.
thank you,
July 11, 2010 - 3:30amtimeforme
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