I've felt so isolated in my feelings, but seeing the stories here helps so very much. Thank you so much for this place to vent.
My husband got diabetes at age five, but when we met, although I knew he was a diabetic, he did not take care of himself and I never saw signs of the diabetes until after we were married and he began to monitor his sugars and take his insulin properly. Then he began to have regular insulin lows where he became nasty and mean to me. I frequently needed to call the paramedics and could never tell him I was doing so because it would trigger the violent emotional outbursts from him, but I was unable to give him the glucogone shots he needed by myself since he was almost twice my size.
When he recovered he was always apologetic and often didn't remember the incidents, but the damage was done. When we had children, he frequently told them terrible things during the insulin lows as well and our friends all witnessed him being nasty to me. I made so many excuses for his behavior and always chalked it up to the diabetes, but it made me feel terrible and we lost many friendships over it.
Then we got the news he had End Stage Renal Disease and he was lucky enough to receive a kidney/pancreas transplant almost immediately. We thought this was the answer to our prayers with the diabetes gone and a new kidney preventing the need for dialysis.
Instead, six weeks later, we discovered he had a rare spinal cancer. It was low grade and asymptomatic. Since the diagnosis though, he has developed severe pain from the tumor, dizziness, nausea, aphasia, has difficulty getting up and down and many other problems. Although we've gotten several diagnosis, the prognosis is still bleak with it's location.
The nastiness that happened when his sugar low, has become frequent and regular. He is angry and depressed (justifiably), but I have become his emotional punching bag. He has screamed at me, accused me of cheating, called me horrible names and locked me out of the house, frequently in front of our children. It seems that he is completely unable to control his anger at this point, even yelling at me for making him go to the bank on the same day I found out that a close friend of mine had died.
He has become a selfish, petulant child and accuses me of abandoning him. In that, he is probably correct. While physically I am here, I get out with friends as much as possible in order to retain my sanity and try to take the children for fun days out of the house as well. Few in my circle of friends have ever met him since he is sullen and annoyed whenever he goes out with me.
He is still interested in a sexual relationship, but seems to think that after being horrible all day to me, that I should be interested that evening and then becomes mad when I tell him that I'm not. I know that with a CNS tumor and impending death, there can be personality issues, but living with him is nearly impossible at this point.
He does make an effort to be better sometimes, but his idea of better at this point is to not scream at me for a few weeks with no other changes in his behavior and I am supposed to forgive and forget everything that has happened and everything is supposed to revert to the way it was before.
At this point, I do everything around the house and yard while he plays on the computer and takes naps. He does still work full-time and I know that doing many household tasks cause him to be in pain, but he doesn't even clean up after himself or offer even basic help.
He threatens to leave, knowing that my job isn't paying me right now due to the economy and my investment money is tied up in a lawsuit right now. Honestly I'd let him if I had a steady, reliable paycheck and the lawsuit was finished. He told me I could have the house, the support payment I want and full custody and he has told the kids repeatedly if he leaves, he won't bother to see them anymore. But if I tell him to go, he changes his mind.
There are little nasty ways of letting me know what he's doing too. There was the "accidental" time he sent all the apartment search finds to my email address rather than his or the time he left divorce searches up on the computer.
I asked him to wait until the settlement and then go and then he is nice for a couple days realizing I'm serious. I've also asked for a seperation rather than a divorce, because for financial reasons it would be smarter for the kids. He has threatened to cut me from his health insurance and cancel his life insurance. I'd be okay if he changed the benificiary from me to the kids, but if he cancels it we will never be able to get it back.
He even asked several times if we could see other people. I know he is not cheating, but I think he wanted me to admit that I was. Finally I told him fine, just to use protection and not in my house. That set him off the deep-end too. Despite the fact I'd said no several times, he wanted me to keep saying it instead of agreeing to it.
My children are becoming seriously scarred over this and I have had to call my parents to take them when he is really going. My son is seeing the school counselor regularly because he is so devestated that "his dad hates him and is dying."
I know my husband is not really in a good place right now and I realize the tumor may be affecting his thought process, but once the settlement takes place I am going to be strong enough to let him go and be unhappy on his own. He is clinically depressed and I believe he has made an appointment to see a counselor, but I have been cut out of any communication about that and I can't see it would make a difference at this point anyway. The marriage has been fractured beyond repair. He could live another five years and I just cannot subject children and myself to the torture he is inflicting on us.
Thank you so much for listening and letting me know I am not alone in going through this. It is a horrible hell you find yourself in when your partner is terminally ill. It is nice to think that these things draw you closer, but sometimes the opposite is true and "til death do us part" shouldn't include the death of your sanity.
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I've felt so isolated in my feelings, but seeing the stories here helps so very much. Thank you so much for this place to vent.
My husband got diabetes at age five, but when we met, although I knew he was a diabetic, he did not take care of himself and I never saw signs of the diabetes until after we were married and he began to monitor his sugars and take his insulin properly. Then he began to have regular insulin lows where he became nasty and mean to me. I frequently needed to call the paramedics and could never tell him I was doing so because it would trigger the violent emotional outbursts from him, but I was unable to give him the glucogone shots he needed by myself since he was almost twice my size.
When he recovered he was always apologetic and often didn't remember the incidents, but the damage was done. When we had children, he frequently told them terrible things during the insulin lows as well and our friends all witnessed him being nasty to me. I made so many excuses for his behavior and always chalked it up to the diabetes, but it made me feel terrible and we lost many friendships over it.
Then we got the news he had End Stage Renal Disease and he was lucky enough to receive a kidney/pancreas transplant almost immediately. We thought this was the answer to our prayers with the diabetes gone and a new kidney preventing the need for dialysis.
Instead, six weeks later, we discovered he had a rare spinal cancer. It was low grade and asymptomatic. Since the diagnosis though, he has developed severe pain from the tumor, dizziness, nausea, aphasia, has difficulty getting up and down and many other problems. Although we've gotten several diagnosis, the prognosis is still bleak with it's location.
The nastiness that happened when his sugar low, has become frequent and regular. He is angry and depressed (justifiably), but I have become his emotional punching bag. He has screamed at me, accused me of cheating, called me horrible names and locked me out of the house, frequently in front of our children. It seems that he is completely unable to control his anger at this point, even yelling at me for making him go to the bank on the same day I found out that a close friend of mine had died.
He has become a selfish, petulant child and accuses me of abandoning him. In that, he is probably correct. While physically I am here, I get out with friends as much as possible in order to retain my sanity and try to take the children for fun days out of the house as well. Few in my circle of friends have ever met him since he is sullen and annoyed whenever he goes out with me.
He is still interested in a sexual relationship, but seems to think that after being horrible all day to me, that I should be interested that evening and then becomes mad when I tell him that I'm not. I know that with a CNS tumor and impending death, there can be personality issues, but living with him is nearly impossible at this point.
He does make an effort to be better sometimes, but his idea of better at this point is to not scream at me for a few weeks with no other changes in his behavior and I am supposed to forgive and forget everything that has happened and everything is supposed to revert to the way it was before.
At this point, I do everything around the house and yard while he plays on the computer and takes naps. He does still work full-time and I know that doing many household tasks cause him to be in pain, but he doesn't even clean up after himself or offer even basic help.
He threatens to leave, knowing that my job isn't paying me right now due to the economy and my investment money is tied up in a lawsuit right now. Honestly I'd let him if I had a steady, reliable paycheck and the lawsuit was finished. He told me I could have the house, the support payment I want and full custody and he has told the kids repeatedly if he leaves, he won't bother to see them anymore. But if I tell him to go, he changes his mind.
There are little nasty ways of letting me know what he's doing too. There was the "accidental" time he sent all the apartment search finds to my email address rather than his or the time he left divorce searches up on the computer.
I asked him to wait until the settlement and then go and then he is nice for a couple days realizing I'm serious. I've also asked for a seperation rather than a divorce, because for financial reasons it would be smarter for the kids. He has threatened to cut me from his health insurance and cancel his life insurance. I'd be okay if he changed the benificiary from me to the kids, but if he cancels it we will never be able to get it back.
He even asked several times if we could see other people. I know he is not cheating, but I think he wanted me to admit that I was. Finally I told him fine, just to use protection and not in my house. That set him off the deep-end too. Despite the fact I'd said no several times, he wanted me to keep saying it instead of agreeing to it.
My children are becoming seriously scarred over this and I have had to call my parents to take them when he is really going. My son is seeing the school counselor regularly because he is so devestated that "his dad hates him and is dying."
I know my husband is not really in a good place right now and I realize the tumor may be affecting his thought process, but once the settlement takes place I am going to be strong enough to let him go and be unhappy on his own. He is clinically depressed and I believe he has made an appointment to see a counselor, but I have been cut out of any communication about that and I can't see it would make a difference at this point anyway. The marriage has been fractured beyond repair. He could live another five years and I just cannot subject children and myself to the torture he is inflicting on us.
Thank you so much for listening and letting me know I am not alone in going through this. It is a horrible hell you find yourself in when your partner is terminally ill. It is nice to think that these things draw you closer, but sometimes the opposite is true and "til death do us part" shouldn't include the death of your sanity.
September 1, 2010 - 6:08pmThis Comment
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