Wow--just found this site and it has been really therapeutic reading other's experiences with their ill spouse. I recently separated from my husband of more than 22 yrs....the last eight have been really tough with his illnesses. I am struggling daily with the desire to divorce versus the guilt of leaving a sick man and breaking up our family. The first 15 years of our marriage were strong with good careers and a happy family, even though he was a juvenile diabetic. He took his two shots a day and never missed a day of work. What we thought happened to "other folks" who were sicker and older happened to him at 40--kidney failure. He has had multiple complications and has been severely depressed. I have pretty much had to do everything the past 8 years--and slid into a dark depression myself. About three years ago a dr. prescribed him paid meds and he quickly became addicted...it took me a long time to figure out what was going on as he was sleeping 20 hours a day (on "good" days) and then would be enraged for a few days--mean and irrational...(threatening me, choked me once) After taking him to the ER for a CT to see if he had a brain tumor--we figured out it was withdrawal. (He had two scripts from two different doctors who didn't know about each other--but would still run out too early and couldn't get his pain meds refilled) I begged for help from his doctors who told him to go to a pain management clinic. He refused. I was laid off at my job and couldn't see any option for my family other than finding a way to die so they would at least have my life insurance. I didn't see leaving my husband as an option. It all sounds so dramatic--and I'm sure many would say a "hysterical woman" but that is where i was. After a trip to the ER myself after taking too many pills and with the help of some good friends--I hung on, determined to take care of my husband and family. one of the friends was a high school buddy from almost 30 years ago who offered a part-time job (on computer/phone) since I was still unemployed. It wasn't much, but he also helped pull me out of that dark pit, and realize how crazy it was to be more willing to die myself than to get out of an abusive, miserable situation. He lives several states away, but a year and a half later--the longtime friendship has become much more--which adds to my guilt--but also I have to credit this relationship with giving me some hope and literally saving my life. I have a deep faith which is hard for me to reconcile with all that is happening--WHY could I not rely on God instead of another man? (Did God send this person to help me?) How can I divorce an ill husband? I moved into a temporary place a couple of months ago after some very bad episodes-- I had given him an ultimatum to go to inpatient treatment or I would leave-- I took him to an inpatient program and he left after less than 24 hours. Now his dr. won't see him again since he wouldn't stay. he has been detoxing on his own, and is remorseful. I have two college-aged kids and one 13 year old daughter who all want me just to return and take care of their dad regardless. I want to run far away --it's hard to desire going back to the care-giver/patient relationship--no intimacy in 8 years--he doesn't /can't work (I believe he could do a part-time job) He does receive disability. It's hard for me to justify leaving him (even though I believe there is plenty of "cause") when I can't see any future for him--what would he do? His family hasn't stepped in to help him at all--even though I sent his parents and siblings a letter detailing the problems and asking for help. Not ONE of them has contacted me--no one has come to see him in two months or offered for him to come see them. I have been seeing a counselor, and we have gone together a few times. This is progress for him because he has refused counseling for years--but by the time I had given him the ultimatum to go to inpatient therapy or I was moving out-- I was so depleted...so DONE. I can't help but think by hanging on and going to counseling I am only extending the anguish and misery of everyone....especially my own!
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Wow--just found this site and it has been really therapeutic reading other's experiences with their ill spouse. I recently separated from my husband of more than 22 yrs....the last eight have been really tough with his illnesses. I am struggling daily with the desire to divorce versus the guilt of leaving a sick man and breaking up our family. The first 15 years of our marriage were strong with good careers and a happy family, even though he was a juvenile diabetic. He took his two shots a day and never missed a day of work. What we thought happened to "other folks" who were sicker and older happened to him at 40--kidney failure. He has had multiple complications and has been severely depressed. I have pretty much had to do everything the past 8 years--and slid into a dark depression myself. About three years ago a dr. prescribed him paid meds and he quickly became addicted...it took me a long time to figure out what was going on as he was sleeping 20 hours a day (on "good" days) and then would be enraged for a few days--mean and irrational...(threatening me, choked me once) After taking him to the ER for a CT to see if he had a brain tumor--we figured out it was withdrawal. (He had two scripts from two different doctors who didn't know about each other--but would still run out too early and couldn't get his pain meds refilled) I begged for help from his doctors who told him to go to a pain management clinic. He refused. I was laid off at my job and couldn't see any option for my family other than finding a way to die so they would at least have my life insurance. I didn't see leaving my husband as an option. It all sounds so dramatic--and I'm sure many would say a "hysterical woman" but that is where i was. After a trip to the ER myself after taking too many pills and with the help of some good friends--I hung on, determined to take care of my husband and family. one of the friends was a high school buddy from almost 30 years ago who offered a part-time job (on computer/phone) since I was still unemployed. It wasn't much, but he also helped pull me out of that dark pit, and realize how crazy it was to be more willing to die myself than to get out of an abusive, miserable situation. He lives several states away, but a year and a half later--the longtime friendship has become much more--which adds to my guilt--but also I have to credit this relationship with giving me some hope and literally saving my life. I have a deep faith which is hard for me to reconcile with all that is happening--WHY could I not rely on God instead of another man? (Did God send this person to help me?) How can I divorce an ill husband? I moved into a temporary place a couple of months ago after some very bad episodes-- I had given him an ultimatum to go to inpatient treatment or I would leave-- I took him to an inpatient program and he left after less than 24 hours. Now his dr. won't see him again since he wouldn't stay. he has been detoxing on his own, and is remorseful. I have two college-aged kids and one 13 year old daughter who all want me just to return and take care of their dad regardless. I want to run far away --it's hard to desire going back to the care-giver/patient relationship--no intimacy in 8 years--he doesn't /can't work (I believe he could do a part-time job) He does receive disability. It's hard for me to justify leaving him (even though I believe there is plenty of "cause") when I can't see any future for him--what would he do? His family hasn't stepped in to help him at all--even though I sent his parents and siblings a letter detailing the problems and asking for help. Not ONE of them has contacted me--no one has come to see him in two months or offered for him to come see them. I have been seeing a counselor, and we have gone together a few times. This is progress for him because he has refused counseling for years--but by the time I had given him the ultimatum to go to inpatient therapy or I was moving out-- I was so depleted...so DONE. I can't help but think by hanging on and going to counseling I am only extending the anguish and misery of everyone....especially my own!
March 9, 2011 - 11:32amThis Comment
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