I just found this site too, and like everyone else I'm amazed at how therapeutic it is to read everyone's stories. I also have a story to tell. My husband has two conditions, neither of which are probably life-threatening but both of which may be chronic: he is a recovering alcoholic, and he has chronic stomach ache/nausea/vomiting. And he's unemployed. He started drinking at the age of twelve, right about the time his parents divorced after his mom had either a nervous breakdown or came down with schizophrenia. He was a frequent drinker when we met in 1985, and he continued to drink and may have drank even more heavily for many years until he finally mostly but not completely quit and de-toxed in 2002.
Four years ago his job was becoming incredibly unpleasant and he wanted to quit; after a lot of discussions we agreed that would be ok, I was making enough money to support us for a while, and he agreed he'd start looking for work within three months. Three months turned into six months turned into nine months, and then the chronic stomach problems started. He'd had stomach problems every now and then as long as I'd known him, but now it started becoming almost every day. After a lot of waiting thinking it would just get better, then a lot of talking about what to do, and frankly a lot of foot-dragging from him, including multiple appts that he canceled at the last minute due to not feeling good which set us back months each time, then after a lot of doctors and exams and tests, about five months ago his gastroenterologist said his stomach had a ton of shallow "lesions", basically low-grade ulcers, but these were wide and there were a lot of them, which were almost certainly causing the stomach pain and nausea and vomiting. He said it was probably from all the years of heavy drinking and my husband had to stop drinking completely for his stomach to heal, and take some Prilosec daily. My husband agreed to stop drinking and take the pills every day.
Fast forward to today: we are not sure he's getting any better, and my husband's previously rare-to-intermittent jerkiness became much more frequent. For the time I'm at home, he's either sick, or asleep, or he's being a complete jerk, or (what's kept me with him during his sickness) he's really smart and perceptive and creative and he's a really good cook who loves to make yummy food . He may spend days in a row active and seeming staying busy with chores and making lunch for himself and dinner for me every night. Or he may spend days being completely lethargic, just sitting on the sofa surfing and watching tv; on these days when I ask him what the problem is, he either won't say anything, or he would just say he didn't feel very good. He becomes like a brick wall and nothing goes in or out. And then there are the times where he gets into a phase or mood where he sleeps almost non-stop for two or three or even four days straight. He barely eats, barely talks to me, barely does anything; he may get up for an hour or two and then go right back to sleep. He has agreed to pick me up when it's dark when work is over, but when he's in that phase he forgets to come pick me up at work. He does not call me to let me know what is going on, and he does not respond to my phone calls. Later when I'm angry at having been forgotten about, he denies he forgot about me, he says he was just sleeping.
Nearly every day, unless he's sleeping all day anyway, he takes a two to four-hour afternoon/evening nap, during which he is completely inaccessible, and he usually does not let me know when he is going down for a nap. Even on days where he's not sleeping all day long, sometimes he doesn't sound entirely cogent; he may say things that don't make much sense, or he doesn't say them loud enough for me to hear them then gets irritated when I don't respond, or he may get excessively angry at some minor incident.
He denies he is depressed and absolutely will not see a doctor about getting evaluated for depression or bipolar disease or any mental problem. He is seemingly uninterested in getting better; he will not research his symptoms on the internet, despite multiple suggestions from me. He will not contact any AA groups because of their emphasis on God and he will not investigate any alternatives.
I think his attitude issues and the incredible amounts of sleeps he seems to need are either all related to the stomach problems, or to some other disease or syndrome that's really underlying the stomach problems, or they're due to "post acute withdrawal syndrome"; I've read that many recovering alcoholics have can experience mental and behavioral issues for years after withdrawing completely from alcohol. After I read about it a bit some of the behaviors started sounding very familiar, including lack of memory and concentration, and the tendency to get angry at minor things. I have begun to think of him as having some brain damage and to not impose any additional obligations on him if I don't absolutely have to.
Tonight though I am pretty close to looking for a new place to live. This has just become real unpleasant. Our cat just got diagnosed with hyperthyoidism and my husband seems unable to follow the instructions on how to give her her medicine, so I said I would just do it from now on, and he got very angry, then went to sleep. I was tired and had had a bit of a long day at work and was hoping we could have a nice dinner together but apparently that's not in the cards tonight. I would willingly give him $800/mo alimony if I didn't have to live here anymore. It would break his heart though. It's almost like he's got multiple personalities; if I tell him when he's in this state, it won't make any sense to him, and if I wait until he's cogent and "normal" again, he won't remember being like this and my anger won't make any sense to him. I've told him multiple times in the past year especially how unhappy I am, how unpleasant life has become, how stressed out I am because I can't take any vacations without him either being sick or me calling him to find out he's sick. But I don't think it's clear to him that I'm ready to leave.
I've been meeting privately with his parents who live nearby to let them know how he is medically and to let them know how strained our marriage has become and how unpleasant and stressful our lives have become. His parents are very fond of me and we have a very good relationship; they have been very supportive and have said they are willing to help out in any way they can. It's possible that getting my husband to go to a therapist or psychiatrist would help, and it's possible that his parents and I together can compel him to go. I think he would be fighting it every step of the way. And I'm not entirely sure that's the answer.
Well this turned into a bit of a novel! Anyway, in a way, I thank the goddess we don't have kids because that would really complicate this. I thank the universe I have a well-paying job that I enjoy so that we're not starving on one income. And I thank the stars for living in an area with plenty of other fun options to do when I don't want to be at home, and that I have such sweet in-laws.
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I just found this site too, and like everyone else I'm amazed at how therapeutic it is to read everyone's stories. I also have a story to tell. My husband has two conditions, neither of which are probably life-threatening but both of which may be chronic: he is a recovering alcoholic, and he has chronic stomach ache/nausea/vomiting. And he's unemployed. He started drinking at the age of twelve, right about the time his parents divorced after his mom had either a nervous breakdown or came down with schizophrenia. He was a frequent drinker when we met in 1985, and he continued to drink and may have drank even more heavily for many years until he finally mostly but not completely quit and de-toxed in 2002.
Four years ago his job was becoming incredibly unpleasant and he wanted to quit; after a lot of discussions we agreed that would be ok, I was making enough money to support us for a while, and he agreed he'd start looking for work within three months. Three months turned into six months turned into nine months, and then the chronic stomach problems started. He'd had stomach problems every now and then as long as I'd known him, but now it started becoming almost every day. After a lot of waiting thinking it would just get better, then a lot of talking about what to do, and frankly a lot of foot-dragging from him, including multiple appts that he canceled at the last minute due to not feeling good which set us back months each time, then after a lot of doctors and exams and tests, about five months ago his gastroenterologist said his stomach had a ton of shallow "lesions", basically low-grade ulcers, but these were wide and there were a lot of them, which were almost certainly causing the stomach pain and nausea and vomiting. He said it was probably from all the years of heavy drinking and my husband had to stop drinking completely for his stomach to heal, and take some Prilosec daily. My husband agreed to stop drinking and take the pills every day.
Fast forward to today: we are not sure he's getting any better, and my husband's previously rare-to-intermittent jerkiness became much more frequent. For the time I'm at home, he's either sick, or asleep, or he's being a complete jerk, or (what's kept me with him during his sickness) he's really smart and perceptive and creative and he's a really good cook who loves to make yummy food . He may spend days in a row active and seeming staying busy with chores and making lunch for himself and dinner for me every night. Or he may spend days being completely lethargic, just sitting on the sofa surfing and watching tv; on these days when I ask him what the problem is, he either won't say anything, or he would just say he didn't feel very good. He becomes like a brick wall and nothing goes in or out. And then there are the times where he gets into a phase or mood where he sleeps almost non-stop for two or three or even four days straight. He barely eats, barely talks to me, barely does anything; he may get up for an hour or two and then go right back to sleep. He has agreed to pick me up when it's dark when work is over, but when he's in that phase he forgets to come pick me up at work. He does not call me to let me know what is going on, and he does not respond to my phone calls. Later when I'm angry at having been forgotten about, he denies he forgot about me, he says he was just sleeping.
Nearly every day, unless he's sleeping all day anyway, he takes a two to four-hour afternoon/evening nap, during which he is completely inaccessible, and he usually does not let me know when he is going down for a nap. Even on days where he's not sleeping all day long, sometimes he doesn't sound entirely cogent; he may say things that don't make much sense, or he doesn't say them loud enough for me to hear them then gets irritated when I don't respond, or he may get excessively angry at some minor incident.
He denies he is depressed and absolutely will not see a doctor about getting evaluated for depression or bipolar disease or any mental problem. He is seemingly uninterested in getting better; he will not research his symptoms on the internet, despite multiple suggestions from me. He will not contact any AA groups because of their emphasis on God and he will not investigate any alternatives.
I think his attitude issues and the incredible amounts of sleeps he seems to need are either all related to the stomach problems, or to some other disease or syndrome that's really underlying the stomach problems, or they're due to "post acute withdrawal syndrome"; I've read that many recovering alcoholics have can experience mental and behavioral issues for years after withdrawing completely from alcohol. After I read about it a bit some of the behaviors started sounding very familiar, including lack of memory and concentration, and the tendency to get angry at minor things. I have begun to think of him as having some brain damage and to not impose any additional obligations on him if I don't absolutely have to.
Tonight though I am pretty close to looking for a new place to live. This has just become real unpleasant. Our cat just got diagnosed with hyperthyoidism and my husband seems unable to follow the instructions on how to give her her medicine, so I said I would just do it from now on, and he got very angry, then went to sleep. I was tired and had had a bit of a long day at work and was hoping we could have a nice dinner together but apparently that's not in the cards tonight. I would willingly give him $800/mo alimony if I didn't have to live here anymore. It would break his heart though. It's almost like he's got multiple personalities; if I tell him when he's in this state, it won't make any sense to him, and if I wait until he's cogent and "normal" again, he won't remember being like this and my anger won't make any sense to him. I've told him multiple times in the past year especially how unhappy I am, how unpleasant life has become, how stressed out I am because I can't take any vacations without him either being sick or me calling him to find out he's sick. But I don't think it's clear to him that I'm ready to leave.
I've been meeting privately with his parents who live nearby to let them know how he is medically and to let them know how strained our marriage has become and how unpleasant and stressful our lives have become. His parents are very fond of me and we have a very good relationship; they have been very supportive and have said they are willing to help out in any way they can. It's possible that getting my husband to go to a therapist or psychiatrist would help, and it's possible that his parents and I together can compel him to go. I think he would be fighting it every step of the way. And I'm not entirely sure that's the answer.
Well this turned into a bit of a novel! Anyway, in a way, I thank the goddess we don't have kids because that would really complicate this. I thank the universe I have a well-paying job that I enjoy so that we're not starving on one income. And I thank the stars for living in an area with plenty of other fun options to do when I don't want to be at home, and that I have such sweet in-laws.
March 14, 2011 - 9:23pmThis Comment
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