I am so glad you wrote. There are a lot of things going on here.
Please know that nothing your dad did was right, and was not your fault. Do you know that, for sure? Because no adult should ever have sex with a child, period. An adult is a powerful person in a child's life and they are the only protection that a child has. Instead of protecting you, your father abused you. It's immoral. And it's illegal. And along the way it causes incredible harm to the child.
Is your father still alive? Does he ever have a chance to be around your children?
I want you to consider therapy again, Anon. Just for yourself, by yourself. It sounds like your mom sort of controlled the therapy before, which is why it didn't work for you. Do you need help finding a counselor in your area? We would be glad to help with that, just tell me what city and state you live in, or click on my profile and write me a private message there.
In terms of your husband's porn problem, you can't do anything about that right now. You have asked him to stop and he says he will and then he deceives you to do it. That doesn't have anything to do with your having children or gaining weight. It is not your fault if he promises you something and then lies about doing it anyway.
Here is one sentence that really bothers me: "I already blame myself." It is incorrect for you to assume that if you just lost weight or had larger breasts that everything would be fine. It wouldn't be fine. You might look and feel better, and that is a good reason to lose weight, but the porn issue would still be there.
From the math in your posts I am figuring out that you are just 20 or 21? And he is just 22 or 23? You are both very, very young, Anon, and this is the only long relationship either of you have been in, right? You are dealing with two very young children, a pornography problem, and the fallout from the sexual abuse you suffered as a child. Your sister is most likely experiencing some of the same fallout. And your mom probably can't understand your point of view because she herself was abused in her marriage to your father.
I thought you might be interested in this, Anon. It is an excerpt from "Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain" from the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress:
Identifying Adults Abused As Children, from the AAETS:
"The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas:
1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
-Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
-Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
-Poor body image, poor self-image in general
-Wearing excessive clothing
-Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
-Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
-Suicidality
-Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
-Difficulties with anger/rage
-Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
-Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
-Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
-Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
-Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
-Feeling crazy, different, marked
-Denial, flashbacks
-Sexual issues and extremes
-Multiple personalities
-Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage."
There is more here:
http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm
and here:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/12505-sexual-abuse-incest/
Also, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a free 24/7 hotline that can be either over the phone (1.800.656.HOPE, and calls are completely confidential) or online:
Comment Reply
Anon,
I am so glad you wrote. There are a lot of things going on here.
Please know that nothing your dad did was right, and was not your fault. Do you know that, for sure? Because no adult should ever have sex with a child, period. An adult is a powerful person in a child's life and they are the only protection that a child has. Instead of protecting you, your father abused you. It's immoral. And it's illegal. And along the way it causes incredible harm to the child.
Is your father still alive? Does he ever have a chance to be around your children?
I want you to consider therapy again, Anon. Just for yourself, by yourself. It sounds like your mom sort of controlled the therapy before, which is why it didn't work for you. Do you need help finding a counselor in your area? We would be glad to help with that, just tell me what city and state you live in, or click on my profile and write me a private message there.
In terms of your husband's porn problem, you can't do anything about that right now. You have asked him to stop and he says he will and then he deceives you to do it. That doesn't have anything to do with your having children or gaining weight. It is not your fault if he promises you something and then lies about doing it anyway.
Here is one sentence that really bothers me: "I already blame myself." It is incorrect for you to assume that if you just lost weight or had larger breasts that everything would be fine. It wouldn't be fine. You might look and feel better, and that is a good reason to lose weight, but the porn issue would still be there.
From the math in your posts I am figuring out that you are just 20 or 21? And he is just 22 or 23? You are both very, very young, Anon, and this is the only long relationship either of you have been in, right? You are dealing with two very young children, a pornography problem, and the fallout from the sexual abuse you suffered as a child. Your sister is most likely experiencing some of the same fallout. And your mom probably can't understand your point of view because she herself was abused in her marriage to your father.
I thought you might be interested in this, Anon. It is an excerpt from "Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain" from the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress:
Identifying Adults Abused As Children, from the AAETS:
"The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas:
1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
-Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
-Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
-Poor body image, poor self-image in general
-Wearing excessive clothing
-Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
-Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
-Suicidality
-Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
-Difficulties with anger/rage
-Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
-Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
-Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
-Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
-Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
-Feeling crazy, different, marked
-Denial, flashbacks
-Sexual issues and extremes
-Multiple personalities
-Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage."
There is more here:
http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm
and here:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/12505-sexual-abuse-incest/
Also, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a free 24/7 hotline that can be either over the phone (1.800.656.HOPE, and calls are completely confidential) or online:
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
They can help you find a counseling center in your area. You can do the same by putting your zip code in here:
http://centers.rainn.org/
Anon, is this information of any help to you? Do any of the symptoms seem familiar to you?
November 13, 2009 - 8:34amThis Comment
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