I know it sounds strange, but it is actually a GOOD thing if your boyfriend masturbates while you are not there, and he may fantasize about you one time, he may fantasize about another woman or a combination of woman who do not exist. I know it's difficult to think this way...but put it in perspective. This is actually GOOD for him to express himself in a sexual way without you! Do you truly want to be in his every thought 100% of the time? What are the consequences of that? Do you want your boyfriend to be "asexual" at all moments in his life, except all-of-the-sudden when he's with you he turns into a sexual being again? Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and excepting that every relationship has this aspect to it might help.
Another idea: take your thoughts to the other extreme for a moment:
Have you ever had sexual dreams of another guy, either one you knew, an ex-boyfriend or a movie star? Have you ever found another guy attractive? The answer is most definitely "yes". Does this mean you don't love your current boyfriend? No, of course not. Does this mean you want to be unfaithful to your current boyfriend? What it means is that you are a sexual being, and that's just what humans (and other animals) do. It's normal, and it's OK. It is not about the sex or attraction; it is all about the trust and mutual respect.
To answer your question about "how"...it sounds like you are doing the right thing by going to counseling. You have had a difficult past regarding sexual abuse. The trust issues will take time. My advice (please, please ask your counselor his/her opinion on this, and take their advice over mine; I have never met you) would be to take the controlling behaviors off the table in relationship to your boyfriend, in regards to what he does on his own time. If you two are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then you both need to honor that. However, he has every right as an adult to sexually express himself with his own body, on his own time, alone...asking him otherwise is not fair, is not human, and is controlling and creating a trap for him to fail.
You want this relationship to succeed, and I'm assuming your boyfriend does as well. Create situations for you both to be successful in, and I would stay away from anything sex-related until you are further along in your recovery process with your counselor. You can make it fun...what are some fun goals that you two can have for the relationship that will help it succeed? Go to a new park together, take lessons for a new sport, visit a new town, try a new ice cream flavor...the possibilities are endless!
If you are unable to let go of controlling your boyfriend's behavior, perhaps this may not be the best time in your life to have a boyfriend. Relationships are absolutely not about controlling; abusers use control and power over another person, and you do not want to start that cycle again. Please let your boyfriend be who he is; if it fits with you, then great. If it does not, then let him go and work on your issues with him by your side as a trusted friend.
I hope this message wasn't too honest! Let me know if you'd like to talk about it anymore!
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That makes more sense...I'm glad you wrote back!
I know it sounds strange, but it is actually a GOOD thing if your boyfriend masturbates while you are not there, and he may fantasize about you one time, he may fantasize about another woman or a combination of woman who do not exist. I know it's difficult to think this way...but put it in perspective. This is actually GOOD for him to express himself in a sexual way without you! Do you truly want to be in his every thought 100% of the time? What are the consequences of that? Do you want your boyfriend to be "asexual" at all moments in his life, except all-of-the-sudden when he's with you he turns into a sexual being again? Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and excepting that every relationship has this aspect to it might help.
Another idea: take your thoughts to the other extreme for a moment:
Have you ever had sexual dreams of another guy, either one you knew, an ex-boyfriend or a movie star? Have you ever found another guy attractive? The answer is most definitely "yes". Does this mean you don't love your current boyfriend? No, of course not. Does this mean you want to be unfaithful to your current boyfriend? What it means is that you are a sexual being, and that's just what humans (and other animals) do. It's normal, and it's OK. It is not about the sex or attraction; it is all about the trust and mutual respect.
To answer your question about "how"...it sounds like you are doing the right thing by going to counseling. You have had a difficult past regarding sexual abuse. The trust issues will take time. My advice (please, please ask your counselor his/her opinion on this, and take their advice over mine; I have never met you) would be to take the controlling behaviors off the table in relationship to your boyfriend, in regards to what he does on his own time. If you two are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then you both need to honor that. However, he has every right as an adult to sexually express himself with his own body, on his own time, alone...asking him otherwise is not fair, is not human, and is controlling and creating a trap for him to fail.
You want this relationship to succeed, and I'm assuming your boyfriend does as well. Create situations for you both to be successful in, and I would stay away from anything sex-related until you are further along in your recovery process with your counselor. You can make it fun...what are some fun goals that you two can have for the relationship that will help it succeed? Go to a new park together, take lessons for a new sport, visit a new town, try a new ice cream flavor...the possibilities are endless!
If you are unable to let go of controlling your boyfriend's behavior, perhaps this may not be the best time in your life to have a boyfriend. Relationships are absolutely not about controlling; abusers use control and power over another person, and you do not want to start that cycle again. Please let your boyfriend be who he is; if it fits with you, then great. If it does not, then let him go and work on your issues with him by your side as a trusted friend.
I hope this message wasn't too honest! Let me know if you'd like to talk about it anymore!
March 22, 2009 - 5:56pmThis Comment
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