I have had a few bouts of depression, real depression, during this illness. And as awful as CFS is, I think if I had to choose, I'd rather have CFS than deal with ongoing depression. (That sounds wrong somehow :-) but it's true.)
Even when my physical symptoms were very bad, and even when the mental symptoms were bad, and it was hard to think with the brainfog and the fractured vision and thought processes, I would be angry, frustrated, feel sorry for myself, but ... I still WANTED to be able to do things even though I couldn't. When I was depressed, I didn't even have that going for me, that wanting to be a part of life.
This is very hard to express in words ... do you get what I mean?
When I couldn't even drum up a desire to be a part of life ... what did I have to work with? The drive, the desire, to get over my hurdles, helped to fuel my recovery. Cultivating positive thoughts (as muzzy as my thinking was) would at least help me crawl in the right direction. When I was depressed even that crawling ...stopped.
Even when I was really sick, I could still laugh at something funny, enjoy what my family was doing, enjoy ... Yeah, I guess maybe that was the difference. I was still capable of joy, even being sick. But with depression, there's no joy.
You said, "And I think that's why your writing stands out." It's probably my CFS brain here, I am not sure what you mean. Could you re-phrase?
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Hi Diane
I have had a few bouts of depression, real depression, during this illness. And as awful as CFS is, I think if I had to choose, I'd rather have CFS than deal with ongoing depression. (That sounds wrong somehow :-) but it's true.)
Even when my physical symptoms were very bad, and even when the mental symptoms were bad, and it was hard to think with the brainfog and the fractured vision and thought processes, I would be angry, frustrated, feel sorry for myself, but ... I still WANTED to be able to do things even though I couldn't. When I was depressed, I didn't even have that going for me, that wanting to be a part of life.
This is very hard to express in words ... do you get what I mean?
When I couldn't even drum up a desire to be a part of life ... what did I have to work with? The drive, the desire, to get over my hurdles, helped to fuel my recovery. Cultivating positive thoughts (as muzzy as my thinking was) would at least help me crawl in the right direction. When I was depressed even that crawling ...stopped.
Even when I was really sick, I could still laugh at something funny, enjoy what my family was doing, enjoy ... Yeah, I guess maybe that was the difference. I was still capable of joy, even being sick. But with depression, there's no joy.
You said, "And I think that's why your writing stands out." It's probably my CFS brain here, I am not sure what you mean. Could you re-phrase?
Jody
May 29, 2009 - 5:25pmThis Comment
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