Thank you for your questions. I'm glad for the opportunity to respond.
What clearly comes through in this passionate discussion is the love, fear, anger, agonies and grief of so many parents. I can well imagine the heartache and feeling of helplessness in seeing the most precious person in their lives, a young child, waste away and risk death before their eyes.
I have children in my life and I would do anything necessary, sacrifice anything to keep them out of harm's way.
Finding a way that actually restores health to a child has got to be a glorious feeling that
stirs relief, gratitude, and respect for everyone involved, loyalty to the system that made it possible and incredible appreciation for having their child healthy.
Boundary violation is the topic of this particular article. In my experience as a clinician adults developing the ability to recognize boundaries is an essential theme in eating disorder recovery work.
Knowing what boundaries are, which ones to respect, which ones to negate and which ones to build and honor for their own well being is vital to recovery and healthy functioning in life. In my experience women with eating disorders are unaware of healthy
boundaries. They can’t set them and don’t know how to use boundaries for self protection.
My article is about women. That doesn't mean men don't exist. It simply means that I am writing about women.
At the risk of setting off another controversy let me say that in my experience the few adult men who have consulted with me about an eating disorder present a different clinical picture than women. I don't have enough knowledge or experience to discuss the issues men have to deal with in eating disorder recovery. I refer them, when possible,
to resources that can better serve them than I.
In terms of children, I see young anorexic girls (not in my practice) who are adamant about maintaining their eating disorder and who speak and write from a mind distorted by starvation.
I think most people involved in this discussion know the horrors of the pro anorexia sites where such distorted thinking seems to be rock solid.
And I see young girls come out of residential treatment centers (where they were admitted despite high protest) with a deeper appreciation of health and a generous and loving support for their friends who have gone through the program with them.
Yes, people also report that extreme dieting can trigger an anorexic mind set that propels the person into a sense of power through food deprivation. Perhaps nutritional deprivation stemming from certain illnesses can do the same.
Love, generosity and care coming from wisdom and knowledge compose the foundation of eating disorder recovery. If parents can provide that to their children, I think that's wonderful.
Some parents can't. Some parents are abusive and life threatening. Some parents are neglectful. Some parents are loving and don’t recognize how they neglect a child. Some are too ill or need to focus most of their time on earning a living to support their child. Some parents don't exist, either because they abandoned their children or because they died. Some parents are children themselves and don’t know how to care for a child. I wish all parents loved their children and were willing to provide whatever it takes to help them be well and strong and capable of living a healthy life.
Some children come from healthy and loving homes but meet with harsh and tragic
circumstances in life that can elicit an eating disorder response.
None of the above environmental conditions create a straight line to the development of an eating disorder. I’m not going from cause to effect. Many effects can arise from such conditions. I’m looking at what the adult woman with an eating disorder has to face
and reinterpret so she can develop a sturdy sense of self and become competent as she moves into a healthy life.
Blame is not a recovery issue. Recovery issues are based on what is, now, in the person’s experience. Yes, I listen to what my patients say. I don’t listen as a judge or prosecutor.
I don’t even listen for accuracy. I listen as a psychotherapist, with my mind and my heart, to how my patient sees, feels and understands her own experience. I am always looking for the pathway that will help my patient develop beyond her (and the people I see are women) current limitations and find health.
Yes, there is much we don’t know about eating disorders, both cause and cure. I feel such
joy when a person comes to me for recovery work. I know she usually has to draw
on personal courage to bring herself to treatment. She’s about the enter the unknown and
that can be frightening for someone whose defenses have so much to do with control.
I also have a sense that the people who do NOT seek treatment far outnumber the people who do. The pro anorexia sites have vast followings. Lately I’ve been feeling that the
people who seek treatment are like refugees escaping a harsh totalitarian system.
And please, readers of this discussion do not interpret that last statement as an indictment of parents. The harsh totalitarian system consists of the demands, rules and regulations of the eating disorder itself. An adult woman doing her recovery work is very much like a
revolutionary, rebelling against a system that is intolerable yet requires courage to combat or leave.
Thank you for entering the discussion, Isabella. My hope is that a continual airing of as many issues as possible, with all the passion that may involve, will help all of us
Get a more complete picture of the issues involved in eating disorder recovery.
If we can do that then we have a good chance of being able to work together.
Recovery work is not a one size fits all. The more dimensions we can see the more
compassionate and capable we all will be. I know I’m learning through this discussion.
I hope others are too.
Warm regards and by all means, Isabella, write again if more occurs to you.
Comment Reply
Dear Isabella,
Thank you for your questions. I'm glad for the opportunity to respond.
What clearly comes through in this passionate discussion is the love, fear, anger, agonies and grief of so many parents. I can well imagine the heartache and feeling of helplessness in seeing the most precious person in their lives, a young child, waste away and risk death before their eyes.
I have children in my life and I would do anything necessary, sacrifice anything to keep them out of harm's way.
Finding a way that actually restores health to a child has got to be a glorious feeling that
stirs relief, gratitude, and respect for everyone involved, loyalty to the system that made it possible and incredible appreciation for having their child healthy.
Boundary violation is the topic of this particular article. In my experience as a clinician adults developing the ability to recognize boundaries is an essential theme in eating disorder recovery work.
Knowing what boundaries are, which ones to respect, which ones to negate and which ones to build and honor for their own well being is vital to recovery and healthy functioning in life. In my experience women with eating disorders are unaware of healthy
boundaries. They can’t set them and don’t know how to use boundaries for self protection.
My article is about women. That doesn't mean men don't exist. It simply means that I am writing about women.
At the risk of setting off another controversy let me say that in my experience the few adult men who have consulted with me about an eating disorder present a different clinical picture than women. I don't have enough knowledge or experience to discuss the issues men have to deal with in eating disorder recovery. I refer them, when possible,
to resources that can better serve them than I.
In terms of children, I see young anorexic girls (not in my practice) who are adamant about maintaining their eating disorder and who speak and write from a mind distorted by starvation.
I think most people involved in this discussion know the horrors of the pro anorexia sites where such distorted thinking seems to be rock solid.
And I see young girls come out of residential treatment centers (where they were admitted despite high protest) with a deeper appreciation of health and a generous and loving support for their friends who have gone through the program with them.
Yes, people also report that extreme dieting can trigger an anorexic mind set that propels the person into a sense of power through food deprivation. Perhaps nutritional deprivation stemming from certain illnesses can do the same.
Love, generosity and care coming from wisdom and knowledge compose the foundation of eating disorder recovery. If parents can provide that to their children, I think that's wonderful.
Some parents can't. Some parents are abusive and life threatening. Some parents are neglectful. Some parents are loving and don’t recognize how they neglect a child. Some are too ill or need to focus most of their time on earning a living to support their child. Some parents don't exist, either because they abandoned their children or because they died. Some parents are children themselves and don’t know how to care for a child. I wish all parents loved their children and were willing to provide whatever it takes to help them be well and strong and capable of living a healthy life.
Some children come from healthy and loving homes but meet with harsh and tragic
circumstances in life that can elicit an eating disorder response.
None of the above environmental conditions create a straight line to the development of an eating disorder. I’m not going from cause to effect. Many effects can arise from such conditions. I’m looking at what the adult woman with an eating disorder has to face
and reinterpret so she can develop a sturdy sense of self and become competent as she moves into a healthy life.
Blame is not a recovery issue. Recovery issues are based on what is, now, in the person’s experience. Yes, I listen to what my patients say. I don’t listen as a judge or prosecutor.
I don’t even listen for accuracy. I listen as a psychotherapist, with my mind and my heart, to how my patient sees, feels and understands her own experience. I am always looking for the pathway that will help my patient develop beyond her (and the people I see are women) current limitations and find health.
Yes, there is much we don’t know about eating disorders, both cause and cure. I feel such
joy when a person comes to me for recovery work. I know she usually has to draw
on personal courage to bring herself to treatment. She’s about the enter the unknown and
that can be frightening for someone whose defenses have so much to do with control.
I also have a sense that the people who do NOT seek treatment far outnumber the people who do. The pro anorexia sites have vast followings. Lately I’ve been feeling that the
people who seek treatment are like refugees escaping a harsh totalitarian system.
And please, readers of this discussion do not interpret that last statement as an indictment of parents. The harsh totalitarian system consists of the demands, rules and regulations of the eating disorder itself. An adult woman doing her recovery work is very much like a
revolutionary, rebelling against a system that is intolerable yet requires courage to combat or leave.
Thank you for entering the discussion, Isabella. My hope is that a continual airing of as many issues as possible, with all the passion that may involve, will help all of us
Get a more complete picture of the issues involved in eating disorder recovery.
If we can do that then we have a good chance of being able to work together.
Recovery work is not a one size fits all. The more dimensions we can see the more
compassionate and capable we all will be. I know I’m learning through this discussion.
I hope others are too.
Warm regards and by all means, Isabella, write again if more occurs to you.
Joanna
June 7, 2009 - 5:56pmThis Comment
Reply