I am a 46 year old female who has had eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia and compulsive eating) since around age 12. I developed full-blown, out-of-control "restrictive bulimia" at age 44. In my earlier years, I would swing back and forth between starvation and over-eating. My weight has flucuated between 104 pounds, and 204 pounds, at different points in my life. I have sought out professional psychotherapy for most of the past 17 years and have found that what helps me, personally, more than anything else is relaxation hypnosis and EMDR (you can google EMDR to learn more about it). In addition, I taken an anti-anxiety medication (lots of eating disorders are anxiety-driven). I realize that my eating disorders will always be there and it's my responsibility to learn how to control them and keep them in check.
I am a parent, and I believe that every single family has boundaries that get crossed. I am a very, very good mother and yet, I know I've unintentionally crossed boundaries with my children. We, as parents, do the best we can - but we are not perfect. To make a blanket statement that a family has never had boundaries crossed is completely unrealistic. Crossing boundaries does not mean you're a "bad" parent. It just means you're not a perfect parent (no one is). Perfectionism is extremely harmful to everyone involved. And I know a lot of people with eating disorders are perfectionists. Because of extensive psychotherapy, I now consider myself a "reformed perfectionist." I cannot be a perfectionist and be emotionally healthy.
An eating disorder is a psychological disorder - and it has absolutely nothing to do with food. Food is not the issue. Not feeling in control of one's own life is the issue. I do not believe it is genetic. I believe it is most definitely environmental. It could be caused by the pressure of strong feelings of family expectations, peer pressure, a reaction to abuse (especially sexual abuse) - which is the ultimate crossing of boundaries, or yes, even boundary issues within families.
Joanna has a wonderful web site concerning eating disorders. She has helped hundreds (probably thousands) of individuals suffering from eating disorders. She truly cares about her patients and strives to provide the best possible therapy for them. She has devoted her life to helping people with eating disorders in their recovery.
To the mother who initiated this thread: Are you an expert on eating disorders, like Joanna? I don't think so. To state that boundaries have never been crossed in your family is unrealistic. And what about boundaries that have been crossed in your daughter's life when she's not been with you? Many times, things happen to our children when they are not with us. And many times the child blocks out the incident (as sometimes happens with sexual abuse) and has no memory of it. It's one of our brain's defense mechanisms. I think the issue isn't WHY your daughter became anorexic - it's HOW you can get her the best help. As parents, sometimes we have to listen to the "experts" and do what they tell us, whether we agree with them at the time or not. I've had to do this with my own children over the years for different issues - and I can now look back and see what a positive difference it made in their lives, and that I did the right thing for them, even though I didn't understand it from the expert's point of view at the time. I did the right thing, thank goodness.
To "attack" Joanna the way you did was completely out-of-line and unnecessary. There was no reason why you could not have made your point in a more dignified and respectful manner. You would have come across with more credibility if you had, instead of sounding like someone who is out-of-control, and desperate, themselves. I would suggest you seek counseling for yourself as you go through the process of helping your daughter to get well. You are obviously under a tremendous amount of pressure and emotional stress due to your daughter's illness. You'd be of much more benefit to her if you were emotionally well and stable yourself.
I wish your daughter all the best in her recovery,
Shelley
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I am a 46 year old female who has had eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia and compulsive eating) since around age 12. I developed full-blown, out-of-control "restrictive bulimia" at age 44. In my earlier years, I would swing back and forth between starvation and over-eating. My weight has flucuated between 104 pounds, and 204 pounds, at different points in my life. I have sought out professional psychotherapy for most of the past 17 years and have found that what helps me, personally, more than anything else is relaxation hypnosis and EMDR (you can google EMDR to learn more about it). In addition, I taken an anti-anxiety medication (lots of eating disorders are anxiety-driven). I realize that my eating disorders will always be there and it's my responsibility to learn how to control them and keep them in check.
I am a parent, and I believe that every single family has boundaries that get crossed. I am a very, very good mother and yet, I know I've unintentionally crossed boundaries with my children. We, as parents, do the best we can - but we are not perfect. To make a blanket statement that a family has never had boundaries crossed is completely unrealistic. Crossing boundaries does not mean you're a "bad" parent. It just means you're not a perfect parent (no one is). Perfectionism is extremely harmful to everyone involved. And I know a lot of people with eating disorders are perfectionists. Because of extensive psychotherapy, I now consider myself a "reformed perfectionist." I cannot be a perfectionist and be emotionally healthy.
An eating disorder is a psychological disorder - and it has absolutely nothing to do with food. Food is not the issue. Not feeling in control of one's own life is the issue. I do not believe it is genetic. I believe it is most definitely environmental. It could be caused by the pressure of strong feelings of family expectations, peer pressure, a reaction to abuse (especially sexual abuse) - which is the ultimate crossing of boundaries, or yes, even boundary issues within families.
Joanna has a wonderful web site concerning eating disorders. She has helped hundreds (probably thousands) of individuals suffering from eating disorders. She truly cares about her patients and strives to provide the best possible therapy for them. She has devoted her life to helping people with eating disorders in their recovery.
To the mother who initiated this thread: Are you an expert on eating disorders, like Joanna? I don't think so. To state that boundaries have never been crossed in your family is unrealistic. And what about boundaries that have been crossed in your daughter's life when she's not been with you? Many times, things happen to our children when they are not with us. And many times the child blocks out the incident (as sometimes happens with sexual abuse) and has no memory of it. It's one of our brain's defense mechanisms. I think the issue isn't WHY your daughter became anorexic - it's HOW you can get her the best help. As parents, sometimes we have to listen to the "experts" and do what they tell us, whether we agree with them at the time or not. I've had to do this with my own children over the years for different issues - and I can now look back and see what a positive difference it made in their lives, and that I did the right thing for them, even though I didn't understand it from the expert's point of view at the time. I did the right thing, thank goodness.
To "attack" Joanna the way you did was completely out-of-line and unnecessary. There was no reason why you could not have made your point in a more dignified and respectful manner. You would have come across with more credibility if you had, instead of sounding like someone who is out-of-control, and desperate, themselves. I would suggest you seek counseling for yourself as you go through the process of helping your daughter to get well. You are obviously under a tremendous amount of pressure and emotional stress due to your daughter's illness. You'd be of much more benefit to her if you were emotionally well and stable yourself.
I wish your daughter all the best in her recovery,
June 8, 2009 - 8:46amShelley
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