Hi, Chemie. Thanks so much for your question. It's a big one.
I'm guessing that the issue here, even though you didn't write it out, is this: You want him to leave his job and move to where you are going to school, and you're afraid he won't. Is that it?
It's really complicated, Chemie. And you will make a mistake if you just say "if he loves you enough, he'll move, if he doesn't, he doesn't love me."
Having a good job in today's market, and liking that job and doing well at it, is something to be very grateful for. If he loves his job, that's a simple thing -- he loves his job. If he loves it so much that he doesn't want to leave it, that does NOT mean he loves you less. It just means that he's trying to figure the best way out of a hard position.
If he leaves his job and comes to where you are in school, what if he doesn't get a job there? Or what if he does, but he doesn't like it as much? Or he doesn't thrive in it? How will you feel if he gives up his job now, for you, and then is miserable in the city where you are going to school?
I don't know what line of work he's in or how transferable it is. But medical school is a pursuit that takes loads and loads and loads of focus and hours. And most likely, you would not work in the same city you went to medical school in, right? So actually that would entail two moves for him, one to where you are going to school and one to where you ultimately go to work as a doctor. He may feel like this means his job does not matter near as much as yours does.
Are you willing to give up medical school to stay with him in the city you're in now? No, because it is a key to your future. It sounds like he understands that. But you want him to follow you, and that is equally as hard for him.
Is returning to a long-distance relationship a deal-breaker for you? You say it's NOT okay -- does that mean If he doesn't move for you, the relationship is over?
Your anxiety is not irrational. There is a big fork in the road that is coming, and some decisions will have to be made. That's scary for all of us. But it happens a lot in life, and we just have to do the very best we can each time.
From the way you write about this, I get the idea that you two haven't had a long, serious conversation about all the possibilities yet. Is that true? If so, I think that's the first step. Do it at a time when you're both in a good mood, over lunch on a Saturday, for instance. Don't do it when you're stressed or tired. And be honest. If what you are saying is that he needs to move or the relationship is ended, then you need to be truthful with him. But if you would be willing to return to long distance while you're in med school, with the condition that after med school the two of you will decide where to move together that will be good for both of you, then talk about that, too.
The main thing is, you need to really know the lay of the land here. If he's ok with going back to long distance so that each of you can focus on your work for now, that doesn't seem like a horrible thing. But if you simply can't live with that, then you have to face that fact, too, and be honest about it.
I'm sensing that you wish he would just say, "No, I don't want us to be apart again. I'll come with you," and everything will be fine. But Chemie, it doesn't sound like that's about to happen. Get a good, open dialogue going about this, and try to work on the problem together. Will that work?
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Hi, Chemie. Thanks so much for your question. It's a big one.
I'm guessing that the issue here, even though you didn't write it out, is this: You want him to leave his job and move to where you are going to school, and you're afraid he won't. Is that it?
It's really complicated, Chemie. And you will make a mistake if you just say "if he loves you enough, he'll move, if he doesn't, he doesn't love me."
Having a good job in today's market, and liking that job and doing well at it, is something to be very grateful for. If he loves his job, that's a simple thing -- he loves his job. If he loves it so much that he doesn't want to leave it, that does NOT mean he loves you less. It just means that he's trying to figure the best way out of a hard position.
If he leaves his job and comes to where you are in school, what if he doesn't get a job there? Or what if he does, but he doesn't like it as much? Or he doesn't thrive in it? How will you feel if he gives up his job now, for you, and then is miserable in the city where you are going to school?
I don't know what line of work he's in or how transferable it is. But medical school is a pursuit that takes loads and loads and loads of focus and hours. And most likely, you would not work in the same city you went to medical school in, right? So actually that would entail two moves for him, one to where you are going to school and one to where you ultimately go to work as a doctor. He may feel like this means his job does not matter near as much as yours does.
Are you willing to give up medical school to stay with him in the city you're in now? No, because it is a key to your future. It sounds like he understands that. But you want him to follow you, and that is equally as hard for him.
Is returning to a long-distance relationship a deal-breaker for you? You say it's NOT okay -- does that mean If he doesn't move for you, the relationship is over?
Your anxiety is not irrational. There is a big fork in the road that is coming, and some decisions will have to be made. That's scary for all of us. But it happens a lot in life, and we just have to do the very best we can each time.
From the way you write about this, I get the idea that you two haven't had a long, serious conversation about all the possibilities yet. Is that true? If so, I think that's the first step. Do it at a time when you're both in a good mood, over lunch on a Saturday, for instance. Don't do it when you're stressed or tired. And be honest. If what you are saying is that he needs to move or the relationship is ended, then you need to be truthful with him. But if you would be willing to return to long distance while you're in med school, with the condition that after med school the two of you will decide where to move together that will be good for both of you, then talk about that, too.
The main thing is, you need to really know the lay of the land here. If he's ok with going back to long distance so that each of you can focus on your work for now, that doesn't seem like a horrible thing. But if you simply can't live with that, then you have to face that fact, too, and be honest about it.
I'm sensing that you wish he would just say, "No, I don't want us to be apart again. I'll come with you," and everything will be fine. But Chemie, it doesn't sound like that's about to happen. Get a good, open dialogue going about this, and try to work on the problem together. Will that work?
August 19, 2009 - 8:14amThis Comment
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