That's a lot to take in, Sara, and I know it's an awful lot for you to deal with.
Let me see if I can boil it down for both of us:
-- You've been together for two years. You now have sex about four times a year.
-- When you broke up because you misunderstood his reasons for not ever wanting to have sex, he told you that you were being controlling and pushing him toward other women.
-- You admit that you are too controlling -- but you are so afraid of losing him that you are needy, which is a turnoff to you both.
-- You feel that it's a good relationship, yet you are reluctant to bring up the bedroom issue because you're afraid he'll get mad.
-- He's having trouble getting and keeping an erection.
-- He had an impossible-to-please father, and tells you that you are the same way. (This again makes it your fault, not his.)
-- You are working on not smothering him.
-- You went to therapy once, but don't feel like it was right for you.
Is that about right?
There are two things going on here. He's having physical/mental trouble getting and keeping an erection, which is probably a total libido-killer and source of stress for him. YOU cannot fix this.
And the two of you are in this cycle of control and neediness that isn't good for either of you.
Something's got to give here, Sara. Either the two of you need to be able to talk about this more and deal with it like the adult problem it is, or you've got to back off and be OK with the way things are right now.
Neediness is not attractive to anyone, and neither is controlling behavior. And you are 100 percent right when you say that you know it is because of the fear of losing him. But I have something to tell you: You would survive it. You would hate it, but you would survive it. You need to realize that. It will make you stronger and more confident in the long run.
My advice would be to back off, try to be less anxious about his feelings for you, and work on making yourself the person YOU want you to be. You do not want to be "a needy pomeranian," whether he says he likes it or not. You have changed since the two of you have been in this relationship, right? You can change back. You can be confident. You can be fun and funny. You can have your own life that doesn't revolve around him 24/7. And in the process, you will not only be happier, but also more attractive to your boyfriend.
After you back off and work on yourself for a while, you'll be able to tell if anything changes on his side. If nothing does -- say, in two or three months -- then it's time to talk, for real. It's time to decide whether it's OK with you to be in this kind of a relationship. Because unless he wants to change it, it won't change. It takes two to work on problems like this, not just one.
When you went to therapy that one time, what were you hoping for? You mention that you need something more effective, and ask for ideas. Are you hoping for ideas to try to change yourself?
Therapy does take time, Sara. And it might not have been the right therapist for you. Some therapy is covered by insurance; is that an option for you at all, or is it all out of pocket?
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Whew.
That's a lot to take in, Sara, and I know it's an awful lot for you to deal with.
Let me see if I can boil it down for both of us:
-- You've been together for two years. You now have sex about four times a year.
-- When you broke up because you misunderstood his reasons for not ever wanting to have sex, he told you that you were being controlling and pushing him toward other women.
-- You admit that you are too controlling -- but you are so afraid of losing him that you are needy, which is a turnoff to you both.
-- You feel that it's a good relationship, yet you are reluctant to bring up the bedroom issue because you're afraid he'll get mad.
-- He's having trouble getting and keeping an erection.
-- He had an impossible-to-please father, and tells you that you are the same way. (This again makes it your fault, not his.)
-- You are working on not smothering him.
-- You went to therapy once, but don't feel like it was right for you.
Is that about right?
There are two things going on here. He's having physical/mental trouble getting and keeping an erection, which is probably a total libido-killer and source of stress for him. YOU cannot fix this.
And the two of you are in this cycle of control and neediness that isn't good for either of you.
Something's got to give here, Sara. Either the two of you need to be able to talk about this more and deal with it like the adult problem it is, or you've got to back off and be OK with the way things are right now.
Neediness is not attractive to anyone, and neither is controlling behavior. And you are 100 percent right when you say that you know it is because of the fear of losing him. But I have something to tell you: You would survive it. You would hate it, but you would survive it. You need to realize that. It will make you stronger and more confident in the long run.
My advice would be to back off, try to be less anxious about his feelings for you, and work on making yourself the person YOU want you to be. You do not want to be "a needy pomeranian," whether he says he likes it or not. You have changed since the two of you have been in this relationship, right? You can change back. You can be confident. You can be fun and funny. You can have your own life that doesn't revolve around him 24/7. And in the process, you will not only be happier, but also more attractive to your boyfriend.
After you back off and work on yourself for a while, you'll be able to tell if anything changes on his side. If nothing does -- say, in two or three months -- then it's time to talk, for real. It's time to decide whether it's OK with you to be in this kind of a relationship. Because unless he wants to change it, it won't change. It takes two to work on problems like this, not just one.
When you went to therapy that one time, what were you hoping for? You mention that you need something more effective, and ask for ideas. Are you hoping for ideas to try to change yourself?
Therapy does take time, Sara. And it might not have been the right therapist for you. Some therapy is covered by insurance; is that an option for you at all, or is it all out of pocket?
April 14, 2010 - 10:40amThis Comment
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