I am one in a group of seven friends who have been close now for about 25 years (we are all in our early 50s now). Of the group, two of the women had fathers who were absent, both with negative reasons behind their absences (abusive, etc.)
In the group, the two who lost their fathers are the two who do have the most difficulty trusting a man or -- even harder -- allowing themselves to be vulnerable when they are with a man. Both have had relationships, but neither have married. Both have had some therapy about the issue.
Both are wonderful women. Funny. Talented. Successful. Loved by family and friends. Full of life.
But this is their area of difficulty. I think that for young girls, losing their dad -- in any way -- becomes a pivotal part of who they are. I lost my dad at age 26 to cancer. My sister was 18 when he died. Both of us have wounds that still open easily over losing him. But we knew we were loved, we knew he thought we were the cat's meow, and so our wounds are very different.
You are not the only one by far. But losing your fear of being vulnerable where men is concerned may take some real work on your part. Possibly even with a therapist.
I hope that you do realize that there was nothing you could have done as a child to have changed things? And there was nothing wrong with you as a child? And that you were NOT the reason he was gone, or that he did the things he did?
When I think of him putting you out of the car on the side of the road, I just want to scream (at him) and cry (for you) and gather that little girl up in my arms and tell her that she's FINE. That there's nothing wrong with HER. It was a cruel, nasty thing that he did and I'm so sorry you ever had to experience such a thing.
I think that big losses and issues in our lives actually come back to us at different stages in our own development. It may mean we need to "get over" them more than once. At 18, you could only work through your issues from an 18-year-old's perspective. At 25, there might be other aspects to work through. Today, as you see it from yet another stage of your own life, you may have to "get over" parts of it again -- parts of it that you weren't strong enough or wise enough to handle before.
The movie clearly knocked something loose for you. I'm so sorry for your pain. But I know the growth is worthwhile.
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Miscortes,
I am one in a group of seven friends who have been close now for about 25 years (we are all in our early 50s now). Of the group, two of the women had fathers who were absent, both with negative reasons behind their absences (abusive, etc.)
In the group, the two who lost their fathers are the two who do have the most difficulty trusting a man or -- even harder -- allowing themselves to be vulnerable when they are with a man. Both have had relationships, but neither have married. Both have had some therapy about the issue.
Both are wonderful women. Funny. Talented. Successful. Loved by family and friends. Full of life.
But this is their area of difficulty. I think that for young girls, losing their dad -- in any way -- becomes a pivotal part of who they are. I lost my dad at age 26 to cancer. My sister was 18 when he died. Both of us have wounds that still open easily over losing him. But we knew we were loved, we knew he thought we were the cat's meow, and so our wounds are very different.
You are not the only one by far. But losing your fear of being vulnerable where men is concerned may take some real work on your part. Possibly even with a therapist.
I hope that you do realize that there was nothing you could have done as a child to have changed things? And there was nothing wrong with you as a child? And that you were NOT the reason he was gone, or that he did the things he did?
When I think of him putting you out of the car on the side of the road, I just want to scream (at him) and cry (for you) and gather that little girl up in my arms and tell her that she's FINE. That there's nothing wrong with HER. It was a cruel, nasty thing that he did and I'm so sorry you ever had to experience such a thing.
I think that big losses and issues in our lives actually come back to us at different stages in our own development. It may mean we need to "get over" them more than once. At 18, you could only work through your issues from an 18-year-old's perspective. At 25, there might be other aspects to work through. Today, as you see it from yet another stage of your own life, you may have to "get over" parts of it again -- parts of it that you weren't strong enough or wise enough to handle before.
The movie clearly knocked something loose for you. I'm so sorry for your pain. But I know the growth is worthwhile.
February 8, 2010 - 10:41amThis Comment
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