Hi,
This does sound frustrating, but is very common. Long term relationships do encounter "ebbs and flows" in regards to the frequency of intercourse, and this can actually be a healthy change for many couples. I am sure you have heard about the different types of love, and you may be entering into another phase/type of love...and moving out of the infatuation love. If this is the case, it does come as a shock, as the relationship is no longer defined by the raging hormones and desire to have sex everyday. Other things in the relationship start becoming important, too, and sex will lessen in frequency. It can be sad for some people to see this infatuation depart, as it is exciting and thrilling...but just not sustainable. What comes afterwards can be much more rewarding, satisfying and long-term.
The problem, of course, is that you are not happy. I'm glad to read that you spoke with your fiance about your concern, and his reply is, "it's not you, it's me". Why don't you believe this? Yes...there are many men in relationships who really do not want to have sex more than once a week, even if their partner is wearing lingerie. Stereotypes about men's "wanting sex all the time" or "all they think about is sex" is really doing a disservice to relationships, and we need to stop buying into those stereotypes, just as women we do not want stereotypes lingering around our sexuality ("we are the gatekeepers of sex" or "if we want/like sex, we are sluts" or "if we don't like sex, don't want to have sex, then we are prudish"). You get the idea.
What if what your fiance said is the truth? He really just does not feel like having sex at this time. What if he loves you, respects you, cares about you...and he is just emotionally and physically exhausted right now? Sex is not how they show it on TV; it can be some work for each partner to physically and emotionally meet the other's needs, and this can be kind of draining at times, especially if one person feels the burden to "make" the other one happy and fulfilled. What if he needs some time to recharge his batteries?
Have you had a deeper conversation with him, to ask the follow-up "why" ?
Also, why are you doing all of the housework? This could be another conversation (apart from the sex) that you would like to discuss sharing of responsibilities within the relationship.
Most importantly, do you feel that you both have good communication, and are showing signs of being physically intimate in other ways? Do you hold hands, kiss, smile at each other? Do you spend quality time together, apart, and alone?
A healthy relationship is defined not by the amount of sex, but if both people feel "heard" and understood. There is not a way to "make" him want to have sex with you at the moment; he was honest with you, and although you didn't like the answer, it is how he is feeling right now. I hope he extends the same understanding to you, if you are ever in a place where you feel the need to withdraw a little, and he will give you some space. You can tell him how you feel (not "threaten" with a vibrator...I can see why that made him angry. If you want one, get one and use it, but it does not need to be to "spite" him), and that the lack of physical intimacy between you two makes you feel a little insecure, or lost, or unloved. Ask him what he is able to do (go on a walk a few times a week instead?), so that you two can both compromise and meet in the middle.
Continue having conversations, even if they are difficult, and trust in what he is saying. He needs to feel that you value him, even if he does not feel like having sex (think of this in terms of gender-reversal...what if he was the female...you would not hear anyone telling you to "make" your female partner have sex with you!). What does he need to have his needs met at this time, and what do you need? What are his concerns, and what are yours? Same with fears and other emotions. You two may not agree and be able to meet the other's every need at the moment, but you can meet some of them, compromise, provide reassurance, love and support and your relationship can grow deeper, stronger, more trusting and supportive.
Comment Reply
Hi,
This does sound frustrating, but is very common. Long term relationships do encounter "ebbs and flows" in regards to the frequency of intercourse, and this can actually be a healthy change for many couples. I am sure you have heard about the different types of love, and you may be entering into another phase/type of love...and moving out of the infatuation love. If this is the case, it does come as a shock, as the relationship is no longer defined by the raging hormones and desire to have sex everyday. Other things in the relationship start becoming important, too, and sex will lessen in frequency. It can be sad for some people to see this infatuation depart, as it is exciting and thrilling...but just not sustainable. What comes afterwards can be much more rewarding, satisfying and long-term.
The problem, of course, is that you are not happy. I'm glad to read that you spoke with your fiance about your concern, and his reply is, "it's not you, it's me". Why don't you believe this? Yes...there are many men in relationships who really do not want to have sex more than once a week, even if their partner is wearing lingerie. Stereotypes about men's "wanting sex all the time" or "all they think about is sex" is really doing a disservice to relationships, and we need to stop buying into those stereotypes, just as women we do not want stereotypes lingering around our sexuality ("we are the gatekeepers of sex" or "if we want/like sex, we are sluts" or "if we don't like sex, don't want to have sex, then we are prudish"). You get the idea.
What if what your fiance said is the truth? He really just does not feel like having sex at this time. What if he loves you, respects you, cares about you...and he is just emotionally and physically exhausted right now? Sex is not how they show it on TV; it can be some work for each partner to physically and emotionally meet the other's needs, and this can be kind of draining at times, especially if one person feels the burden to "make" the other one happy and fulfilled. What if he needs some time to recharge his batteries?
Have you had a deeper conversation with him, to ask the follow-up "why" ?
Also, why are you doing all of the housework? This could be another conversation (apart from the sex) that you would like to discuss sharing of responsibilities within the relationship.
Most importantly, do you feel that you both have good communication, and are showing signs of being physically intimate in other ways? Do you hold hands, kiss, smile at each other? Do you spend quality time together, apart, and alone?
A healthy relationship is defined not by the amount of sex, but if both people feel "heard" and understood. There is not a way to "make" him want to have sex with you at the moment; he was honest with you, and although you didn't like the answer, it is how he is feeling right now. I hope he extends the same understanding to you, if you are ever in a place where you feel the need to withdraw a little, and he will give you some space. You can tell him how you feel (not "threaten" with a vibrator...I can see why that made him angry. If you want one, get one and use it, but it does not need to be to "spite" him), and that the lack of physical intimacy between you two makes you feel a little insecure, or lost, or unloved. Ask him what he is able to do (go on a walk a few times a week instead?), so that you two can both compromise and meet in the middle.
Continue having conversations, even if they are difficult, and trust in what he is saying. He needs to feel that you value him, even if he does not feel like having sex (think of this in terms of gender-reversal...what if he was the female...you would not hear anyone telling you to "make" your female partner have sex with you!). What does he need to have his needs met at this time, and what do you need? What are his concerns, and what are yours? Same with fears and other emotions. You two may not agree and be able to meet the other's every need at the moment, but you can meet some of them, compromise, provide reassurance, love and support and your relationship can grow deeper, stronger, more trusting and supportive.
February 14, 2010 - 7:41amThis Comment
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