No. You are not stupid or weak for trying to save a marriage with the father of your two young sons. But I don't have to tell you that this simply doesn't look good.
I'm so very glad that you are going to counseling together today. Clearly there is stuff that needs to be out on the table and it helps to have a third party in the room. Do yourself a favor and let the counselor be the one to engage your husband in conversation and to try to bring out the details. The counselor is trained to talk to people in all kinds of situations and you don't want your husband to feel like he is being ganged up on.
The secret phone with the numbers and the photographs of people he is keeping hidden from you tells me he has broken his vows emotionally, at least, if not physically as well. He is lying to you and deceiving you about his activities and possibly his whereabouts.
I don't think the question is whether he can be honest with you again. I think the question is this: Can you ever trust him again? Let's say he decides to go to counseling with you for a few months, gives up the secret phone (which should be mandatory) and tries to work out the issues in your marriage. How does that make you feel? Do you feel that he could be trustworthy?
I don't buy any of this "I don't know" stuff. I think that's his way of taking the easy way out. Of course he knows how he's feeling. He may not want to talk about it, but he knows what he's done -- to whatever degree -- is wrong.
The primary things you need to think about are (a) is this man a good father to these boys and (b) can I trust him again. If the answer to either question is no, then it is time to be strong, stand up for yourself and your children, and take some action that says This Is Not OK With Me.
He should be responding to you with maturity and remorse. Right now he's not even in the right zip code.
Be strong, alone2010. You can do it. Insist on counseling and know that the ball is in your court here, not his.
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Alone,
No. You are not stupid or weak for trying to save a marriage with the father of your two young sons. But I don't have to tell you that this simply doesn't look good.
I'm so very glad that you are going to counseling together today. Clearly there is stuff that needs to be out on the table and it helps to have a third party in the room. Do yourself a favor and let the counselor be the one to engage your husband in conversation and to try to bring out the details. The counselor is trained to talk to people in all kinds of situations and you don't want your husband to feel like he is being ganged up on.
The secret phone with the numbers and the photographs of people he is keeping hidden from you tells me he has broken his vows emotionally, at least, if not physically as well. He is lying to you and deceiving you about his activities and possibly his whereabouts.
I don't think the question is whether he can be honest with you again. I think the question is this: Can you ever trust him again? Let's say he decides to go to counseling with you for a few months, gives up the secret phone (which should be mandatory) and tries to work out the issues in your marriage. How does that make you feel? Do you feel that he could be trustworthy?
I don't buy any of this "I don't know" stuff. I think that's his way of taking the easy way out. Of course he knows how he's feeling. He may not want to talk about it, but he knows what he's done -- to whatever degree -- is wrong.
The primary things you need to think about are (a) is this man a good father to these boys and (b) can I trust him again. If the answer to either question is no, then it is time to be strong, stand up for yourself and your children, and take some action that says This Is Not OK With Me.
He should be responding to you with maturity and remorse. Right now he's not even in the right zip code.
Be strong, alone2010. You can do it. Insist on counseling and know that the ball is in your court here, not his.
March 22, 2010 - 10:25amThis Comment
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