So glad you wrote back. Please don't "kick yourself for not listening and forcing the counseling issue a year ago before this got so bad." When a person wants to get away with something behind another person's back, they will find a way. It is bad judgment and misbehavior on your husband's part that got him where he is today, not the fact that you didn't see something sooner or push for counseling sooner.
Alone, if I can say so, this doesn't sound like a person who wants this marriage to work. All this talk of custody and what a document might say or how things would all come out is not the kind of talk a couple has when they are trying to mend things. You feel vulnerable and at risk, which is why you are determined to not cave. He probably feels some combination of anger, guilt and perhaps confusion, plus worry over the future. With all that swirling around, thoughts about mortgages and child support make divorce seem more of a certainty.
I think it is still a good sign that he is going back to counseling by himself tomorrow. And it's definitely good that you have a counselor to help you get through this tough decision-making period.
You are doing the best you can do, day by day. That is all you can do. You are taking care of your boys, you are looking out for yourself and you are giving him a chance to actually figure out which direction he wants to take. All of that is good. Give yourself a time line. Tell yourself that you want to feel that things are moving in one direction or the other by a certain time, and write down the things you need to see by that time in order to figure out what YOU want to do with YOUR life. Because regardless of what he decides, this may just not be right for you -- or your boys -- anymore.
Take care, and keep hanging in there. Day by day is all we can do.
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Alone2010,
So glad you wrote back. Please don't "kick yourself for not listening and forcing the counseling issue a year ago before this got so bad." When a person wants to get away with something behind another person's back, they will find a way. It is bad judgment and misbehavior on your husband's part that got him where he is today, not the fact that you didn't see something sooner or push for counseling sooner.
Alone, if I can say so, this doesn't sound like a person who wants this marriage to work. All this talk of custody and what a document might say or how things would all come out is not the kind of talk a couple has when they are trying to mend things. You feel vulnerable and at risk, which is why you are determined to not cave. He probably feels some combination of anger, guilt and perhaps confusion, plus worry over the future. With all that swirling around, thoughts about mortgages and child support make divorce seem more of a certainty.
I think it is still a good sign that he is going back to counseling by himself tomorrow. And it's definitely good that you have a counselor to help you get through this tough decision-making period.
You are doing the best you can do, day by day. That is all you can do. You are taking care of your boys, you are looking out for yourself and you are giving him a chance to actually figure out which direction he wants to take. All of that is good. Give yourself a time line. Tell yourself that you want to feel that things are moving in one direction or the other by a certain time, and write down the things you need to see by that time in order to figure out what YOU want to do with YOUR life. Because regardless of what he decides, this may just not be right for you -- or your boys -- anymore.
Take care, and keep hanging in there. Day by day is all we can do.
March 24, 2010 - 10:43amThis Comment
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