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Darknesses,

I see a serious issue here for the two of you. And not just the porn. The porn is serious because it hurts your feelings and he clearly doesn't want to stop using it. But I also worry that you feel the need to "check up on him" and then, later, to even tell him to change his password so you can't. There's a big lack of trust there that I worry about for you.

Many couples have to work through differences on porn. There are no right and wrong answers other than what each person is comfortable with. You have told your boyfriend that you aren't comfortable with it, and he continues to do it. This says to you that you are not important to him and that he would rather think about sex with nameless images online than with you. To him, it may just be exciting in a different way. But the problem is that the two of you disagree, and your feelings are getting hurt. This will lead to resentment and anger if you can't work it out with communication and compromise.

And the fact that you feel you must check up on him tells me that you are fearful that he'll do things behind your back and that you must protect yourself. Is this the case? Do you check on him in other ways as well? His email, or his texts/cell phone, or other ways? Are you insecure in this relationship?

I realize it is complicated since you have a daughter. But especially because of her, I don't want you to settle for a relationship that seems to be less than you want it to be.

It's been a couple days since you wrote. How is it going? Did your argument later lead to better conversation? How are you feeling?

June 17, 2010 - 8:30am

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