Karma, it's Rala from a previous post a while ago. I too have decided to stay with my boyfriend and we've gone through a period of intense change and he is porn free and still in therapy for it. While he was learning how to abstain and have a healthier, happier life I was right with him - for a while. Then a wall started slowly building in my mind that was made of his betrayal and lies from the past. I've never experienced anger like this before in my life and have always considered myself a calm, loving, compassionate person. At times my anger has erupted into something that makes me feel uncontrollable, and completely unrecognizable as the loving, happy person I'm used to being.
I'm not in the position to pay for therapy right now so I've had to do a lot of research on my own. Sadly, there's not a lot of education available for partners of people who have sexually compulsive (or addictive, whichever term you want to use) behaviors that damage relationships. What I've found most helpful is books by counselors and psychologists who are starting to realize that partners are suffering from trauma as a result of sexual betrayal. If you've looked around for help I'm betting you found the same thing I did: leading psychologists and counselors who jump quickly to label partners as "coaddicts," which tends to place more blame on people like you and me, claiming that we subconsciously made choices to be with the men we're with because of our family histories or adult patterns of abusive relationships. Personally, I found that offensive and far from any point of therapy that I need to be involved in right now. So I dug a little deeper. That's when I found books and discussions on post traumatic stress disorder and psychologists who compare treating partners of addicts to victims of intense psychological trauma. That explained my inability to keep imaged from popping into my head at any moment, my intense withdrawal from anything that reminded me of his betrayal (these are defined as "triggers"), my nightmares in which i relive his betrayals, and my seemingly uncontrollable anger.
Unfortunately, the idea of treating people who have been betrayed sexually as sufferers of PTSD is a relatively new concept. I do encourage you to do some research though, because information is out there, and it has been invaluable for me to know that I am not alone in this suffering. I would list specific books in this post that I suggest but I think they will be deleted by the server. I'm not saying that just because I can read about professionals opinions that I'm miraculously better now, because I'm not. I'm only a little closer to the state of recovery I'd like to find myself in one day. What I have gained, though, are tools to guide me there, and professional opinions to cite to my boyfriend to help him understand that this isn't just me going crazy and that he has a lot to work through because of what he's done. It has also helped me remain steadfast in my respect for my self, MY needs, and MY desires for this relationships.
Things like this don't just disappear, and as much as I've loved being a forgiving person in the past, the more I'm learning how hard it really is to forgive when someone close to you wrongs you so deeply. If you can't handle him looking at pornography at all, don't be ashamed of your need to have complete and total commitment. Don't sacrifice your needs anymore for someone who has blatantly ignored your needs in the past. If he loves you, if he really wants you, he'll abstain.
I really wish you the best, and hope this helps you. Take care of yourself and don't betray yourself by sacrificing any of your needs, especially at such a pivotal time.
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Karma, it's Rala from a previous post a while ago. I too have decided to stay with my boyfriend and we've gone through a period of intense change and he is porn free and still in therapy for it. While he was learning how to abstain and have a healthier, happier life I was right with him - for a while. Then a wall started slowly building in my mind that was made of his betrayal and lies from the past. I've never experienced anger like this before in my life and have always considered myself a calm, loving, compassionate person. At times my anger has erupted into something that makes me feel uncontrollable, and completely unrecognizable as the loving, happy person I'm used to being.
I'm not in the position to pay for therapy right now so I've had to do a lot of research on my own. Sadly, there's not a lot of education available for partners of people who have sexually compulsive (or addictive, whichever term you want to use) behaviors that damage relationships. What I've found most helpful is books by counselors and psychologists who are starting to realize that partners are suffering from trauma as a result of sexual betrayal. If you've looked around for help I'm betting you found the same thing I did: leading psychologists and counselors who jump quickly to label partners as "coaddicts," which tends to place more blame on people like you and me, claiming that we subconsciously made choices to be with the men we're with because of our family histories or adult patterns of abusive relationships. Personally, I found that offensive and far from any point of therapy that I need to be involved in right now. So I dug a little deeper. That's when I found books and discussions on post traumatic stress disorder and psychologists who compare treating partners of addicts to victims of intense psychological trauma. That explained my inability to keep imaged from popping into my head at any moment, my intense withdrawal from anything that reminded me of his betrayal (these are defined as "triggers"), my nightmares in which i relive his betrayals, and my seemingly uncontrollable anger.
Unfortunately, the idea of treating people who have been betrayed sexually as sufferers of PTSD is a relatively new concept. I do encourage you to do some research though, because information is out there, and it has been invaluable for me to know that I am not alone in this suffering. I would list specific books in this post that I suggest but I think they will be deleted by the server. I'm not saying that just because I can read about professionals opinions that I'm miraculously better now, because I'm not. I'm only a little closer to the state of recovery I'd like to find myself in one day. What I have gained, though, are tools to guide me there, and professional opinions to cite to my boyfriend to help him understand that this isn't just me going crazy and that he has a lot to work through because of what he's done. It has also helped me remain steadfast in my respect for my self, MY needs, and MY desires for this relationships.
Things like this don't just disappear, and as much as I've loved being a forgiving person in the past, the more I'm learning how hard it really is to forgive when someone close to you wrongs you so deeply. If you can't handle him looking at pornography at all, don't be ashamed of your need to have complete and total commitment. Don't sacrifice your needs anymore for someone who has blatantly ignored your needs in the past. If he loves you, if he really wants you, he'll abstain.
I really wish you the best, and hope this helps you. Take care of yourself and don't betray yourself by sacrificing any of your needs, especially at such a pivotal time.
October 2, 2010 - 10:09amThis Comment
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