As the wife of a recovering Porn/love/sex addict there are a few things I recognised in your experience that mirror my own journey. Let me begin with the important fact that it is a very real addiction and that help IS available both for yourself and (if he chooses help) for him. Most people with this addiction use it in much the same way as alcoholics and drug addicts and gambling and food addicts behave to avoid reality and manage their emotions. He was like this before you ever met him. It is NOTHING to do with you. You cannot CONTROL it. You cannot CHANGE it. You cannot CURE it. It is not yours to do these things with. It is not YOUR problem. Its his problem.
Firstly ask yourself why you are not choosing someone who loves and adores and cherishes you for the wonderful partner that you are. Dont you deserve better? As other posters have said, you are young. You have only invested one year in it and you have no children. I was 17 when I met my husband and 25 before I became aware of this problem, he hid it incredibly well at first until the disease progressed and he started getting sloppy with the evidence and I started getting suspicious and snooping. I suffered hell thinking (as you do) that "he mustn't love me, if he did he wouldn't do this." I put on weight as a defense mechanism to make him less sexually attracted to me because I was disgusted by what I saw as his choice of these porn women over me. He would act out. I would discover evidence. He would be defensive. I would argue him into submission. He would cry and say he couldn't help it. I would feel sorry for him. He would make promises not to do it again. He would break these promises by acting out again. And on and on the cycle went for years. I was miserable.
Eventually I got the message through to him that his behaviour was following the pattern of an addiction and he got help in SLAA. (Google it and you can buy a copy of their book!) He was one of the very few genuine and lucky guys out there. I do disagree though that 99.9% of men are like this. Most guys masturbate as do most women, but not to the extent that it damages their relationships and lives and bodies. That is addiction at work. Any man that tells you that all men do it to that extent is an addict trying to worm his way into a quiet life with you.
Finally I cannot tell you what to do in your own situation. But I can tell you that I am 38 now, we have sexual sobriety in the house with about 6 years. I only married him 4 years ago and we now have 2 gorgeous children whom he adores. I am blissfully happy. Having a daughter has radically changed his views on the supposed "harmlessness" of the choices of women in the porn industry. He would not want his daughter involved in it. and yet for all my happiness, if I were 21 again... and knew then what I know now I would run like hell and find myself a man that would roll in ecstasy at my feet and worship me for the fantastic woman I am. Dont get me wrong.... my husband does worship me now, but the journey to here was hellishly long and difficult and I could not recommend it. I have had recovery friends along the way whose husbands didnt make it. I had one friend who committed suicide over this. It is not something for the faint hearted. The vast majority of people with this addiction either never seek recovery, or pretend to seek recovery, or seek it with only the aim of getting you off of their back and limiting the damage. My husband knows plenty of people who relapse because they are really not ready to let this behaviour go from their lives and learn how to cope like a normal functioning adult.
I will suggest some things. for your safety and that of your emotional wellbeing. 1. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you are uncomfortable with him acting out while you sleep nearby, tell him so. Decide on a consequence and enforce it if he breaches your trust. 2. Both go get tested for STDs. You do not know and cannot trust his word as to the extent of this addiction in him. 3.Tell yourself that this is his stuff, not yours and get on with your life regardless of whether you choose to stay or go.
If you decide to stay be sure to seek help for yourself to cope. We are out there, it's just that we are afraid and ashamed of people not understanding so we do not broadcast our presence. But we are there. Where I live everyone automatically assumes that if your husband is a sex addict that he is a child abuser. (He is not, he is a good man, who formed an association between stress relief and sexual relief to sexual imagery during adolescence which he took to extremes to manage his unmanageble life. Your man is probably a good man too. But he is in the control of an addiction and does not know how to get out.)
I wish you well in your journey whatever you choose. xxx
J.
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Hi Karma,
As the wife of a recovering Porn/love/sex addict there are a few things I recognised in your experience that mirror my own journey. Let me begin with the important fact that it is a very real addiction and that help IS available both for yourself and (if he chooses help) for him. Most people with this addiction use it in much the same way as alcoholics and drug addicts and gambling and food addicts behave to avoid reality and manage their emotions. He was like this before you ever met him. It is NOTHING to do with you. You cannot CONTROL it. You cannot CHANGE it. You cannot CURE it. It is not yours to do these things with. It is not YOUR problem. Its his problem.
Firstly ask yourself why you are not choosing someone who loves and adores and cherishes you for the wonderful partner that you are. Dont you deserve better? As other posters have said, you are young. You have only invested one year in it and you have no children. I was 17 when I met my husband and 25 before I became aware of this problem, he hid it incredibly well at first until the disease progressed and he started getting sloppy with the evidence and I started getting suspicious and snooping. I suffered hell thinking (as you do) that "he mustn't love me, if he did he wouldn't do this." I put on weight as a defense mechanism to make him less sexually attracted to me because I was disgusted by what I saw as his choice of these porn women over me. He would act out. I would discover evidence. He would be defensive. I would argue him into submission. He would cry and say he couldn't help it. I would feel sorry for him. He would make promises not to do it again. He would break these promises by acting out again. And on and on the cycle went for years. I was miserable.
Eventually I got the message through to him that his behaviour was following the pattern of an addiction and he got help in SLAA. (Google it and you can buy a copy of their book!) He was one of the very few genuine and lucky guys out there. I do disagree though that 99.9% of men are like this. Most guys masturbate as do most women, but not to the extent that it damages their relationships and lives and bodies. That is addiction at work. Any man that tells you that all men do it to that extent is an addict trying to worm his way into a quiet life with you.
Finally I cannot tell you what to do in your own situation. But I can tell you that I am 38 now, we have sexual sobriety in the house with about 6 years. I only married him 4 years ago and we now have 2 gorgeous children whom he adores. I am blissfully happy. Having a daughter has radically changed his views on the supposed "harmlessness" of the choices of women in the porn industry. He would not want his daughter involved in it. and yet for all my happiness, if I were 21 again... and knew then what I know now I would run like hell and find myself a man that would roll in ecstasy at my feet and worship me for the fantastic woman I am. Dont get me wrong.... my husband does worship me now, but the journey to here was hellishly long and difficult and I could not recommend it. I have had recovery friends along the way whose husbands didnt make it. I had one friend who committed suicide over this. It is not something for the faint hearted. The vast majority of people with this addiction either never seek recovery, or pretend to seek recovery, or seek it with only the aim of getting you off of their back and limiting the damage. My husband knows plenty of people who relapse because they are really not ready to let this behaviour go from their lives and learn how to cope like a normal functioning adult.
I will suggest some things. for your safety and that of your emotional wellbeing. 1. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you are uncomfortable with him acting out while you sleep nearby, tell him so. Decide on a consequence and enforce it if he breaches your trust. 2. Both go get tested for STDs. You do not know and cannot trust his word as to the extent of this addiction in him. 3.Tell yourself that this is his stuff, not yours and get on with your life regardless of whether you choose to stay or go.
January 17, 2011 - 3:32pmIf you decide to stay be sure to seek help for yourself to cope. We are out there, it's just that we are afraid and ashamed of people not understanding so we do not broadcast our presence. But we are there. Where I live everyone automatically assumes that if your husband is a sex addict that he is a child abuser. (He is not, he is a good man, who formed an association between stress relief and sexual relief to sexual imagery during adolescence which he took to extremes to manage his unmanageble life. Your man is probably a good man too. But he is in the control of an addiction and does not know how to get out.)
I wish you well in your journey whatever you choose. xxx
J.
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