It does not sound like your boyfriend is being very straightforward with you, so I wanted to let you know that some of my "red flags" came up after reading your story. Please know: I do not think he is intentionally keeping information from you, but he may not really know how to communicate his feelings with you...and these types of complex feelings may change, too. Relationships are tricky business, with hearts and minds and futures and careers all tangled up.
My red flags:
- Him not wanting to have sex with you, because he does not "want to take advantage of you". To me, that indicates he is trying to keep some emotional distance, because he does not know if you are his future wife, or his girlfriend that he knows he is keeping around because he doesn't know. To me...if he doesn't know now, after 7 years, I think that is the answer right there. Of course he doesn't want to break up with you-- he cares deeply for you --but if he is unsure if he wants to marry you in the future AND does not want to have sex with you now...those two pieces together tell me he is emotionally and physically distancing himself from you.
That does not make him a bad person, and it is no one's fault. It is up to you if you want to give him space, as he said he is figuring things out and doesn't know. If you are OK waiting an undefinable amount of time for a "maybe", that is a choice you can make. You can make it today or a year from now, and know that you have all the information in front of you to make the best decision for yourself.
2. My other red flag is that he is prioritizing his career and future, and not trying to work you into those equations, after being together for so long. What can you do? Decide and move toward your future that you dream of in regards to career, school, etc. I know it is difficult, but what are you excited about, regardless of anyone else? What do you enjoy doing, and start doing it.
Either way, you will be doing exactly what you need to do for yourself. Distance yourself physically and emotionally, but not out of spite or to say "see?! see?! I can play this hurtful game too!". Instead, grow in a direction toward something positive, that brings you energy, joy and an interesting future.
This space you give each other is in the best interests of the relationship. You do not want to be with someone, after 7 years, if they do not know if they want to be with you for another 7 years. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't know...none of us in "virtual land" will know, either. Space will allow BOTH of you to realize what is best for the relationship: space for the heart to grow fonder, of space to allow the realization that even more space might be needed.
I know it's hard, but you can just take baby steps to start focusing on a something just for you. What is your career path? Are you in school...what is your major?
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It does not sound like your boyfriend is being very straightforward with you, so I wanted to let you know that some of my "red flags" came up after reading your story. Please know: I do not think he is intentionally keeping information from you, but he may not really know how to communicate his feelings with you...and these types of complex feelings may change, too. Relationships are tricky business, with hearts and minds and futures and careers all tangled up.
My red flags:
- Him not wanting to have sex with you, because he does not "want to take advantage of you". To me, that indicates he is trying to keep some emotional distance, because he does not know if you are his future wife, or his girlfriend that he knows he is keeping around because he doesn't know. To me...if he doesn't know now, after 7 years, I think that is the answer right there. Of course he doesn't want to break up with you-- he cares deeply for you --but if he is unsure if he wants to marry you in the future AND does not want to have sex with you now...those two pieces together tell me he is emotionally and physically distancing himself from you.
That does not make him a bad person, and it is no one's fault. It is up to you if you want to give him space, as he said he is figuring things out and doesn't know. If you are OK waiting an undefinable amount of time for a "maybe", that is a choice you can make. You can make it today or a year from now, and know that you have all the information in front of you to make the best decision for yourself.
2. My other red flag is that he is prioritizing his career and future, and not trying to work you into those equations, after being together for so long. What can you do? Decide and move toward your future that you dream of in regards to career, school, etc. I know it is difficult, but what are you excited about, regardless of anyone else? What do you enjoy doing, and start doing it.
Either way, you will be doing exactly what you need to do for yourself. Distance yourself physically and emotionally, but not out of spite or to say "see?! see?! I can play this hurtful game too!". Instead, grow in a direction toward something positive, that brings you energy, joy and an interesting future.
This space you give each other is in the best interests of the relationship. You do not want to be with someone, after 7 years, if they do not know if they want to be with you for another 7 years. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't know...none of us in "virtual land" will know, either. Space will allow BOTH of you to realize what is best for the relationship: space for the heart to grow fonder, of space to allow the realization that even more space might be needed.
I know it's hard, but you can just take baby steps to start focusing on a something just for you. What is your career path? Are you in school...what is your major?
November 25, 2010 - 2:39pmThis Comment
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