I think the Past, Present, and Future comments are probably the most relevant, and there is even a name for the type of sentiments expressed here. That would be the “Coolidge effect”. Basically, males get over the initial excitement of the honeymoon phase relatively quickly, and then the longer and longer a man is with the same woman, the less and less desire he typically feels for her, until eventually he may become sexually indifferent towards her. It might take weeks, months or years for a man to lose the passion, but it’s usually not a question of if so much as when. But if that same man were to be put with a new woman, his libido would be rejuvenated (at least temporarily - he will likely lose the passion for her over time as well). And this behavior has even been observed in the males of non-human species, suggesting this is an innate function of biology rather than human social conditioning.
Despite all the stereotypes about men being insatiable, it would seem far more likely that the male libido simply is not sustainable over the long term, especially not with the same woman over and over again. Even if a man does continue to have sex regularly with the same woman over months or years, the intensity level for him will probably diminish steadily to the point of being negligible, that is, he might continue to “go through the motions” with her but he won’t see fireworks and feel the earth move like he once did, and therefore he will be less and less motivated as time goes on. This is not necessarily a reflection of the woman’s desirability nearly so much as it is the man’s own sexual ennui and unrest. She could be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and he could still lose sexual interest in her.
The Coolidge effect seems to be much more pronounced in males than in females. In women the oxytocin hormone appears to play a larger role, causing a woman who is intimate with a man to strongly bond with him and desire him. So basically as a couple in a long term relationship has more and more intimacy over time, the woman tends to bond ever more intensely with the man even as his desire for her is continually waning, at least at the sexual level. He might continue to love her at the emotional level but he finds that he no longer perceives her as a sexual being.
Females tend to have many misconceptions about the male libido because of myths, stereotypes, and their own incorrect assumptions and perceptions. For instance, during the impressionable adolescent years, most boys have very robust libidos, and so girls just take it for granted that males are like that and they naturally assume males will remain like that throughout adulthood. If anything they may expect libido to increase as boys mature into strapping young men. But male libido has already peaked by the time the adolescent years have ended, and afterwards it begins declining, oftentimes surprisingly rapidly. Men in their late 20’s and early 30’s are already getting old in terms of “male libido years”, never mind in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.
Conversely, it’s very common for women’s libidos to continually ramp up as the years and decades roll by. Women are often bewildered and disillusioned to find themselves in essentially sexless relationships with adult men who just don’t have the strong libidos they had always counted on them to have, and they end up frustrated that the man’s desire is no match for their own. And since women have a very strong need to feel desired by their men all of this can be very distressing for them.
In addition to monogamy and age, the everyday stress from things like work pressures, financial problems, health issues, etc, all take their toll on the male libido. Some theories have proposed that porn use results in the reduction of men’s libidos, but this would seem to get everything backwards. It’s more likely that as a man’s desire and intensity levels wear down because of the aforementioned reasons, he turns to porn to try to escape the rigors of life and recapture the thrill that he used to feel when his libido was strong and healthy. The porn features an endless assortment of fresh new women, providing novelty and variety to help pique his curiosity and provide a quick and easy boost to his tired, worn out libido.
Perhaps these topics are unpopular because both men and women find them difficult to deal with openly. We have all been indoctrinated to believe myths such as “All men want it all the time” or “Men only want one thing” or “Men think about sex every 3 seconds” etc, etc, etc. Our society is constantly telling us “real men” are supposed to want sex with women all the time, and any man who doesn’t must be deviant, unmanly, or gay. So as a result men feel constant pressure to project an outward facade of false bravado and virility so as not to appear weak or abnormal. Most men will never admit to having no/low libido, perhaps not even to themselves, because they are made to feel like a failure or less of a man for doing so.
Meanwhile, from a very young age females eagerly believe that they can take strong libidos in males for granted, only to be shocked and dismayed later in life when they find out otherwise and harsh reality sets in. When their men don’t desire them it feels too humiliating for women to publicly acknowledge so they act outwardly like nothing is wrong, even around closest friends and family.
So both genders are induced into a shameful silence which allows these myths and stereotypes to go unchallenged as they become perpetually re-instilled into each successive new generation. Our culture appears to have so much invested in wanting these myths to be true that it can seem almost like heresy to challenge them at times. But these myths and misconceptions really need to be refuted more often and should ultimately be put to rest once and for all - for the sake of both sexes.
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I think the Past, Present, and Future comments are probably the most relevant, and there is even a name for the type of sentiments expressed here. That would be the “Coolidge effect”. Basically, males get over the initial excitement of the honeymoon phase relatively quickly, and then the longer and longer a man is with the same woman, the less and less desire he typically feels for her, until eventually he may become sexually indifferent towards her. It might take weeks, months or years for a man to lose the passion, but it’s usually not a question of if so much as when. But if that same man were to be put with a new woman, his libido would be rejuvenated (at least temporarily - he will likely lose the passion for her over time as well). And this behavior has even been observed in the males of non-human species, suggesting this is an innate function of biology rather than human social conditioning.
Despite all the stereotypes about men being insatiable, it would seem far more likely that the male libido simply is not sustainable over the long term, especially not with the same woman over and over again. Even if a man does continue to have sex regularly with the same woman over months or years, the intensity level for him will probably diminish steadily to the point of being negligible, that is, he might continue to “go through the motions” with her but he won’t see fireworks and feel the earth move like he once did, and therefore he will be less and less motivated as time goes on. This is not necessarily a reflection of the woman’s desirability nearly so much as it is the man’s own sexual ennui and unrest. She could be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and he could still lose sexual interest in her.
The Coolidge effect seems to be much more pronounced in males than in females. In women the oxytocin hormone appears to play a larger role, causing a woman who is intimate with a man to strongly bond with him and desire him. So basically as a couple in a long term relationship has more and more intimacy over time, the woman tends to bond ever more intensely with the man even as his desire for her is continually waning, at least at the sexual level. He might continue to love her at the emotional level but he finds that he no longer perceives her as a sexual being.
Females tend to have many misconceptions about the male libido because of myths, stereotypes, and their own incorrect assumptions and perceptions. For instance, during the impressionable adolescent years, most boys have very robust libidos, and so girls just take it for granted that males are like that and they naturally assume males will remain like that throughout adulthood. If anything they may expect libido to increase as boys mature into strapping young men. But male libido has already peaked by the time the adolescent years have ended, and afterwards it begins declining, oftentimes surprisingly rapidly. Men in their late 20’s and early 30’s are already getting old in terms of “male libido years”, never mind in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.
Conversely, it’s very common for women’s libidos to continually ramp up as the years and decades roll by. Women are often bewildered and disillusioned to find themselves in essentially sexless relationships with adult men who just don’t have the strong libidos they had always counted on them to have, and they end up frustrated that the man’s desire is no match for their own. And since women have a very strong need to feel desired by their men all of this can be very distressing for them.
In addition to monogamy and age, the everyday stress from things like work pressures, financial problems, health issues, etc, all take their toll on the male libido. Some theories have proposed that porn use results in the reduction of men’s libidos, but this would seem to get everything backwards. It’s more likely that as a man’s desire and intensity levels wear down because of the aforementioned reasons, he turns to porn to try to escape the rigors of life and recapture the thrill that he used to feel when his libido was strong and healthy. The porn features an endless assortment of fresh new women, providing novelty and variety to help pique his curiosity and provide a quick and easy boost to his tired, worn out libido.
Perhaps these topics are unpopular because both men and women find them difficult to deal with openly. We have all been indoctrinated to believe myths such as “All men want it all the time” or “Men only want one thing” or “Men think about sex every 3 seconds” etc, etc, etc. Our society is constantly telling us “real men” are supposed to want sex with women all the time, and any man who doesn’t must be deviant, unmanly, or gay. So as a result men feel constant pressure to project an outward facade of false bravado and virility so as not to appear weak or abnormal. Most men will never admit to having no/low libido, perhaps not even to themselves, because they are made to feel like a failure or less of a man for doing so.
Meanwhile, from a very young age females eagerly believe that they can take strong libidos in males for granted, only to be shocked and dismayed later in life when they find out otherwise and harsh reality sets in. When their men don’t desire them it feels too humiliating for women to publicly acknowledge so they act outwardly like nothing is wrong, even around closest friends and family.
So both genders are induced into a shameful silence which allows these myths and stereotypes to go unchallenged as they become perpetually re-instilled into each successive new generation. Our culture appears to have so much invested in wanting these myths to be true that it can seem almost like heresy to challenge them at times. But these myths and misconceptions really need to be refuted more often and should ultimately be put to rest once and for all - for the sake of both sexes.
~ James T.O.S.
May 10, 2016 - 5:58pmThis Comment
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