I am a middle-aged AS woman who has been divorced 20 years. For the past 15 years, I have been in an extra marital relationship with a married AS man a few years older than myself. I do not know if his wife is AS or NT, but I suspect she must be "one of us" because I don't understand how a "normal" person could live as dysfunctionally as they have for over 40 years. For the last decade plus, our routine has included him coming to my house in the morning for coffee and a packed lunch to take to the office, followed by him coming straight to my house after work for dinner, to go to the gym, and back to my house to watch tv until around midnight, at which time he would go to his house. Weekends, we spent 8 to 12 hours a day, each day, together. We vacationed together. They did not have any children, but he has been a good substitute father for my children who are now adults. I moved out of state last year, and he flies out to visit me for a week or so nearly every month. I know I'm at least the second long term affair partner he has had. I don't know what his wife did while he and I were together, or if she knew -or cared- what he was doing. His comments about her were rarely negative, never flattering, and usually neutral; he acted as if she was simply a roommate who never paid her fair share of the bills, someone he always had to help support financially because she couldn't take care of things in a responsible manner by herself. He often says he wishes he would catch her cheating on him, because then he could leave without feeling guilty. He would rather she cheated with a man, though, and not "lose" her to another woman. I know all that sounds really strange, but it's the way his mind works. He doesn't deal well with people he knows are lesbians or are in interracial relationships. Gay men, he doesn't seem to be bothered by them. Anyway, to answer the question I've been asked by friends who know about this relationship, "don't you feel guilty, or feel like you're doing something wrong" the answer is no, not really. Not on a deep level. At first, it bothered me that he was spending so much time and emotional effort with me, when he should have been investing in his marriage or getting out of it, but about 12 years ago, his dad became very sick in another state. He went to take care of him. I was the one who ended up joining him to help out with his dads death and estate. After that, I never felt guilty again, because it had been HER place to do that; SHE knew the situation and SHE chose NOT to be a wife and do the things a wife should do. I don't know where this will all be in another 15 years, but I suspect it will be pretty much the same. I don't think there is anything she could do or say that would stop him from wanting to be with another woman, whether it's me or someone else, and actively courting another person and becoming emotionally and sexually involved.
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I am a middle-aged AS woman who has been divorced 20 years. For the past 15 years, I have been in an extra marital relationship with a married AS man a few years older than myself. I do not know if his wife is AS or NT, but I suspect she must be "one of us" because I don't understand how a "normal" person could live as dysfunctionally as they have for over 40 years. For the last decade plus, our routine has included him coming to my house in the morning for coffee and a packed lunch to take to the office, followed by him coming straight to my house after work for dinner, to go to the gym, and back to my house to watch tv until around midnight, at which time he would go to his house. Weekends, we spent 8 to 12 hours a day, each day, together. We vacationed together. They did not have any children, but he has been a good substitute father for my children who are now adults. I moved out of state last year, and he flies out to visit me for a week or so nearly every month. I know I'm at least the second long term affair partner he has had. I don't know what his wife did while he and I were together, or if she knew -or cared- what he was doing. His comments about her were rarely negative, never flattering, and usually neutral; he acted as if she was simply a roommate who never paid her fair share of the bills, someone he always had to help support financially because she couldn't take care of things in a responsible manner by herself. He often says he wishes he would catch her cheating on him, because then he could leave without feeling guilty. He would rather she cheated with a man, though, and not "lose" her to another woman. I know all that sounds really strange, but it's the way his mind works. He doesn't deal well with people he knows are lesbians or are in interracial relationships. Gay men, he doesn't seem to be bothered by them. Anyway, to answer the question I've been asked by friends who know about this relationship, "don't you feel guilty, or feel like you're doing something wrong" the answer is no, not really. Not on a deep level. At first, it bothered me that he was spending so much time and emotional effort with me, when he should have been investing in his marriage or getting out of it, but about 12 years ago, his dad became very sick in another state. He went to take care of him. I was the one who ended up joining him to help out with his dads death and estate. After that, I never felt guilty again, because it had been HER place to do that; SHE knew the situation and SHE chose NOT to be a wife and do the things a wife should do. I don't know where this will all be in another 15 years, but I suspect it will be pretty much the same. I don't think there is anything she could do or say that would stop him from wanting to be with another woman, whether it's me or someone else, and actively courting another person and becoming emotionally and sexually involved.
May 20, 2011 - 9:48pmThis Comment
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