Hi anon - im so sorry you are going through this. Just know I understand! I know it seems like an awful situation with you and your children where you feel (and he says) that it's all on you and he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. I have been in a similar situation where my husband's behavior escalated to where his parents almost called the police because of how he was treating our 4 year old son. I realized then that I had played a part in this by not setting boundaries and standing up for what is right. Here is what I suggest - research the abused women's shelters in your area - emotional and verbal abuse ARE abuse!! Make a plan to go there if you feel unsafe - you can take your children with you. Start setting boundaries NOW. Here is where I had trouble - instead of setting myself up to fail I started being assertive and letting his behavior be his behavior. So for example, in the past I would have allowed my husband to say "you are being ridiculous for asking me about (insert non-ridiculous topic that normal people would be able to albe asked about here) and I don't want to talk about it". I would have been intimidated or sad and just got mad and depressed. Instead, I started saying (very calmly) "I'm sorry but that's not acceptable - I am your wife and I should be able to ask you about things. If you need time to think that's one thing but another thing to dismiss it so do you need time?" Then he'd say something like "I don't know what you expect here, I have sacrificed a lot/taken care of you/put up with you and this is what i get in return?" Then I say "I'm not sure what you mean by "put up with you" can you explain?" Eventually asking very CALM but specific questions will provide clarity about his motives and thoughts. Because men are idiots and think they can say whatever and we are supposed to understand that then we get caught in no one understanding. If you want to leave and take your family to start again, you want to be very clear that you know that this person is evil and not just misunderstood. I would also research a marriage counselor and provide that as an ultimatum. When you decide to leave (probably when he's gone) leave a note with the counselor's information and say you are not returning until you hear from that counselor that progress is being made and you are safe. If he refuses then you know where his heart is. Sometimes men have to be forced to make a decision. Especially ones that go around blaming everyone else - he will blame you until Jesus comes back (and probably your fault Jesus didn't return sooner!) until you assertively stand up for what is right and do not waver. That doesn't mean you try to walk all over him because you are resentful, it just means in a given moment starting NOW you choose to confront him about what's right when it comes up. My husband told my 3 year old that (because she didn't take a nap and he'd rather Her be not bothering him) that he wasnt "thrilled to see" her. I was standing there and she ran over to me and I just plainly said to him "that's not very nice" because I also have a responsibility to my daughter to teach her that someone saying that to her is not ok, it's not nice (which is exactly what I said). He got mad that I pointed something out to him (heaven forbid!) and went and pouted. We were better off with him off by himself (his choice) and if he wants to leave - there's the door. Get documents that you need scanned into a flash drive that is with you at all times and just be ready. Dealing and leaving a man like this takes courage - you have it, you just need a plan. Make the plan and be ready to implement it, if necessary.
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Hi anon - im so sorry you are going through this. Just know I understand! I know it seems like an awful situation with you and your children where you feel (and he says) that it's all on you and he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. I have been in a similar situation where my husband's behavior escalated to where his parents almost called the police because of how he was treating our 4 year old son. I realized then that I had played a part in this by not setting boundaries and standing up for what is right. Here is what I suggest - research the abused women's shelters in your area - emotional and verbal abuse ARE abuse!! Make a plan to go there if you feel unsafe - you can take your children with you. Start setting boundaries NOW. Here is where I had trouble - instead of setting myself up to fail I started being assertive and letting his behavior be his behavior. So for example, in the past I would have allowed my husband to say "you are being ridiculous for asking me about (insert non-ridiculous topic that normal people would be able to albe asked about here) and I don't want to talk about it". I would have been intimidated or sad and just got mad and depressed. Instead, I started saying (very calmly) "I'm sorry but that's not acceptable - I am your wife and I should be able to ask you about things. If you need time to think that's one thing but another thing to dismiss it so do you need time?" Then he'd say something like "I don't know what you expect here, I have sacrificed a lot/taken care of you/put up with you and this is what i get in return?" Then I say "I'm not sure what you mean by "put up with you" can you explain?" Eventually asking very CALM but specific questions will provide clarity about his motives and thoughts. Because men are idiots and think they can say whatever and we are supposed to understand that then we get caught in no one understanding. If you want to leave and take your family to start again, you want to be very clear that you know that this person is evil and not just misunderstood. I would also research a marriage counselor and provide that as an ultimatum. When you decide to leave (probably when he's gone) leave a note with the counselor's information and say you are not returning until you hear from that counselor that progress is being made and you are safe. If he refuses then you know where his heart is. Sometimes men have to be forced to make a decision. Especially ones that go around blaming everyone else - he will blame you until Jesus comes back (and probably your fault Jesus didn't return sooner!) until you assertively stand up for what is right and do not waver. That doesn't mean you try to walk all over him because you are resentful, it just means in a given moment starting NOW you choose to confront him about what's right when it comes up. My husband told my 3 year old that (because she didn't take a nap and he'd rather Her be not bothering him) that he wasnt "thrilled to see" her. I was standing there and she ran over to me and I just plainly said to him "that's not very nice" because I also have a responsibility to my daughter to teach her that someone saying that to her is not ok, it's not nice (which is exactly what I said). He got mad that I pointed something out to him (heaven forbid!) and went and pouted. We were better off with him off by himself (his choice) and if he wants to leave - there's the door. Get documents that you need scanned into a flash drive that is with you at all times and just be ready. Dealing and leaving a man like this takes courage - you have it, you just need a plan. Make the plan and be ready to implement it, if necessary.
April 24, 2015 - 1:02amThis Comment
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