I don't think there is one way to get over someone cheating on you, but it is possible. There are too many factors that play into each individual relationship, as well as each individual person.
I think the points in your story that made the most impact to me, to give you my perspective:
1. You sound very intelligent and thoughtful
2. You sound hopeful, yet also cautious
3. You also sound very caring, since you stayed with the girl whom your boyfriend "fooled around with" and cared enough to call her a cab
4. Something is missing in your relationship, in order for your boyfriend to consider cheating.
This last point I make is where I think time, communication and just being who you are will determine what this "missing" part is. It could be argued that every relationship has some part "missing" (as in, there is no perfect relationship). What part that is "missing" in your relationship with your boyfriend, and in his relationship with you, is what you two will need to determine over the course of time. This "missing" piece can be a deal-breaker, or it can be manageable. The only way to determine what is missing is continued honest communication. I'm not entirely sure your boyfriend is being completely honest with you (I'm sure he had intent to have sex, however he is defining sex), but I'm not sure I would hold that detail against him---he got caught in a pretty severe way, and people aren't honest upfront with all the details...usually to save another person's feelings. The bottom line: he cheated, and you want to know if this is a continued behavior, a sign that something is wrong, or a one-time what-was-I-thinking moment. That is going to be your call, given this new relationship that you two have (nothing can ever be "the same" after someone takes trust away), how he treats you, how you treat him, etc.
If you really need help with this situation, a couples counselor could really help you two discuss your feelings about what happened, your hopes for the future, and learn how to communicate effectively about difficult situations. Alcohol can only be partially blamed as lessening one's inhibitions, as cheating on someone also involves a lot of steps to get from one place (bar) to another (bedroom) that does not just magically "happen" to someone. In other words: I still would want to know from your boyfriend why he went through with his impulse. We all find other people attractive, are "hit on" or "flirted with", but it takes two people to make a decision to move forward with a physical relationship, and there was something that went on in his body or mind that gave him the "go ahead" instead of putting the brakes on. Perhaps this can be discussed with a counselor present (it helps to have that third person in emotional discussions).
I do think two people can work through an isolated episode of cheating, if both people have their own high self-esteem, sense of self-worth, are committed to the relationship moving forward, are sincerely regretful (not for being caught, but for damaging the relationship).
What are your thoughts? How would you feel about yourself if you continued in the relationship with him? Would you feel like you are always testing him, or waiting for him to fail again?
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I don't think there is one way to get over someone cheating on you, but it is possible. There are too many factors that play into each individual relationship, as well as each individual person.
I think the points in your story that made the most impact to me, to give you my perspective:
1. You sound very intelligent and thoughtful
2. You sound hopeful, yet also cautious
3. You also sound very caring, since you stayed with the girl whom your boyfriend "fooled around with" and cared enough to call her a cab
4. Something is missing in your relationship, in order for your boyfriend to consider cheating.
This last point I make is where I think time, communication and just being who you are will determine what this "missing" part is. It could be argued that every relationship has some part "missing" (as in, there is no perfect relationship). What part that is "missing" in your relationship with your boyfriend, and in his relationship with you, is what you two will need to determine over the course of time. This "missing" piece can be a deal-breaker, or it can be manageable. The only way to determine what is missing is continued honest communication. I'm not entirely sure your boyfriend is being completely honest with you (I'm sure he had intent to have sex, however he is defining sex), but I'm not sure I would hold that detail against him---he got caught in a pretty severe way, and people aren't honest upfront with all the details...usually to save another person's feelings. The bottom line: he cheated, and you want to know if this is a continued behavior, a sign that something is wrong, or a one-time what-was-I-thinking moment. That is going to be your call, given this new relationship that you two have (nothing can ever be "the same" after someone takes trust away), how he treats you, how you treat him, etc.
If you really need help with this situation, a couples counselor could really help you two discuss your feelings about what happened, your hopes for the future, and learn how to communicate effectively about difficult situations. Alcohol can only be partially blamed as lessening one's inhibitions, as cheating on someone also involves a lot of steps to get from one place (bar) to another (bedroom) that does not just magically "happen" to someone. In other words: I still would want to know from your boyfriend why he went through with his impulse. We all find other people attractive, are "hit on" or "flirted with", but it takes two people to make a decision to move forward with a physical relationship, and there was something that went on in his body or mind that gave him the "go ahead" instead of putting the brakes on. Perhaps this can be discussed with a counselor present (it helps to have that third person in emotional discussions).
I do think two people can work through an isolated episode of cheating, if both people have their own high self-esteem, sense of self-worth, are committed to the relationship moving forward, are sincerely regretful (not for being caught, but for damaging the relationship).
What are your thoughts? How would you feel about yourself if you continued in the relationship with him? Would you feel like you are always testing him, or waiting for him to fail again?
August 7, 2011 - 8:48pmThis Comment
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