I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I love him, but I really believe he is addicted to porn.
A month or so ago I found that he had been using porn pretty regularly. I had suspected for a while because our sex life was awful. We did have sex once a week, most of the time, but he made it clear that he was just doing his duty. There was no intimacy and he definitely did NOT make me feel desirable, wanted, or even loved. He was rushed, not gentle, and bored - and he didn't even try to hide it.
Yeah, that made me feel great. When I confronted him about his porn use he denied it at first, but I had proof. Then he got mad and said it was all my fault. I was not "available" to him (lie) and I was never around when he wanted it (another lie).
I work from home and I pay ALL our bills. I am ALWAYS here, ALWAYS accessible.
He said he wouldn't do it anymore (yet another lie - see a pattern?).
But he did.
I told him our marriage wouldn't work if he continued with the porn. He got mad at me and started saying he was going to leave. He totally gaslighted me.
He was blatantly choosing the porn over me.
Then some things happened and he stopped for several weeks but now I suspect he is starting up again. I can't prove it, just a gut feeling.
Of course I have ZERO trust in him. I am trying to rebuild my marriage but some days I can barely look at him. How can he say he loves me and do something so soulcrushingly devastating to me?
Before we even got married HE told me that doing that was cheating. He said it was adultery. I agreed. We had a MUTUAL agreement that HE initiated and now he is backpedaling.
Some days I just want to walk away. My heart hurts so much. Things have been good, but I still don't trust him and there are things he is doing that are raising my suspicions now. Like I said, I may just be hypersensitive because I've already been cheated on by him and I am still hurting from that. I just don't know.
I wish he'd never done that because he was the first man I truly trusted. I really thought I could believe in him and I've found out that he is just like the others, a cheater.
I am trying to believe him, believe that he is being faithful to me now, but I still have so many feelings from when he was doing it before. When he was at work I would cry nearly the entire time I was so depressed. I couldn't eat so I just said I was on a diet. The truth was, I couldn't eat and when I did I just threw it up. I am eating now though, some anyway.
I am severely depressed, but I am hiding it pretty well. I've considered checking myself into the hospital more than once because this has me so devastated. I feel ugly, worthless, hideous, not sexy or desirable at all, and about half the time I fantasize about ending my life.
How could he do this to me? Why doesn't he even care? Why am I not enough?
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I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I love him, but I really believe he is addicted to porn.
A month or so ago I found that he had been using porn pretty regularly. I had suspected for a while because our sex life was awful. We did have sex once a week, most of the time, but he made it clear that he was just doing his duty. There was no intimacy and he definitely did NOT make me feel desirable, wanted, or even loved. He was rushed, not gentle, and bored - and he didn't even try to hide it.
Yeah, that made me feel great. When I confronted him about his porn use he denied it at first, but I had proof. Then he got mad and said it was all my fault. I was not "available" to him (lie) and I was never around when he wanted it (another lie).
I work from home and I pay ALL our bills. I am ALWAYS here, ALWAYS accessible.
He said he wouldn't do it anymore (yet another lie - see a pattern?).
But he did.
I told him our marriage wouldn't work if he continued with the porn. He got mad at me and started saying he was going to leave. He totally gaslighted me.
He was blatantly choosing the porn over me.
Then some things happened and he stopped for several weeks but now I suspect he is starting up again. I can't prove it, just a gut feeling.
Of course I have ZERO trust in him. I am trying to rebuild my marriage but some days I can barely look at him. How can he say he loves me and do something so soulcrushingly devastating to me?
Before we even got married HE told me that doing that was cheating. He said it was adultery. I agreed. We had a MUTUAL agreement that HE initiated and now he is backpedaling.
Some days I just want to walk away. My heart hurts so much. Things have been good, but I still don't trust him and there are things he is doing that are raising my suspicions now. Like I said, I may just be hypersensitive because I've already been cheated on by him and I am still hurting from that. I just don't know.
I wish he'd never done that because he was the first man I truly trusted. I really thought I could believe in him and I've found out that he is just like the others, a cheater.
I am trying to believe him, believe that he is being faithful to me now, but I still have so many feelings from when he was doing it before. When he was at work I would cry nearly the entire time I was so depressed. I couldn't eat so I just said I was on a diet. The truth was, I couldn't eat and when I did I just threw it up. I am eating now though, some anyway.
I am severely depressed, but I am hiding it pretty well. I've considered checking myself into the hospital more than once because this has me so devastated. I feel ugly, worthless, hideous, not sexy or desirable at all, and about half the time I fantasize about ending my life.
How could he do this to me? Why doesn't he even care? Why am I not enough?
October 29, 2018 - 7:43amThis Comment
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