Hi Anonymous and thanks for sharing your most with the EmpowHER community. I'm sorry to read about the problems you are facing in your relationship.
You have stated several things that you find okay as well as several things that you do not find appropriate. What you haven't said is whether you have ever had a heart to heart talk about the same things with your boyfriend.
To understand why he behaves the way he does, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, and only you can make him aware of how his behaviors make you feel. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things.
Tell your boyfriend the truth and avoid playing head games. Tell him you love him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that his behavior is not in line with your personal values and that it's putting the relationship at risk. If he can't accept that then it may not be worth investing more time and energy into the relationship.
You cannot compete with a fantasy (if that's what's going on with him) and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship.
It’s time to have an adult conversation and speak up for your needs. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you and your boyfriend as well. If you do nothing then the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.
You can't “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your own happiness is also a priority.
Comment Reply
Hi Anonymous and thanks for sharing your most with the EmpowHER community. I'm sorry to read about the problems you are facing in your relationship.
You have stated several things that you find okay as well as several things that you do not find appropriate. What you haven't said is whether you have ever had a heart to heart talk about the same things with your boyfriend.
To understand why he behaves the way he does, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, and only you can make him aware of how his behaviors make you feel. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things.
Tell your boyfriend the truth and avoid playing head games. Tell him you love him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that his behavior is not in line with your personal values and that it's putting the relationship at risk. If he can't accept that then it may not be worth investing more time and energy into the relationship.
You cannot compete with a fantasy (if that's what's going on with him) and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship.
It’s time to have an adult conversation and speak up for your needs. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you and your boyfriend as well. If you do nothing then the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.
You can't “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your own happiness is also a priority.
Best,
Pam
November 6, 2014 - 5:20pmThis Comment
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