Dear Anonymous,
It's C here from the previous comment. I hear you. Every single word.
So what to do? I still have a lot of problems but I am VASTLY happier (and more functional) than I was - if you asked me to put a number on it I'd say 70%. I'm 48 next week and still developing. I'm going to share some of my processes here and while everyone is different I hope this helps one or two people.
Firstly I found the same with talking therapies - that talking doesn't get very far. I started therapy as soon as I left home but realised quickly that while it helped me see the present a little more clearly it was doing nothing to change the way I felt about myself, interacted with others and saw the world. I was (and probably still am) a bit of an odd ball. I drank heavily, was dangerously promiscuous and would self harm in public. Shudder.
My lucky break was that I'm a dancer (though I started out with a Fine Art degree) and ended up training in Amsterdam where the education was very holistic. As well as our technique classes we had 'exploration classes' that were based in Body Mind Centering - a form developed by Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen. In the afternoons we had different workshops and the first five weeks was Authentic Movement - a form that was originally developed as a therapy for people who's trauma was pre-verbal. It's been taken up by the dance world as a choreographic tool but fundamentally all that happens is that a group moves (blindfolded and with witnesses for safety and validation) exactly as the body wishes - sessions were three hours long giving space for some deep seated stuff to emerge. We all screamed, laughed, sobbed and slept at different points in this process.
And that's just one example. So I had three years of that in Amsterdam, then moved back home and had a career that lasts to this day (I move a bit slower now but a few folk still employ me!) meaning years of being in my body and often being asked to touch those unconscious places to create emotionally resonant movement for the stage.
I wasn't initially aware at the time how much good this was doing in terms of my childhood problems, but 15 years ago I started training as a Shiatsu practitioner with an extraordinary man who was all about being present with emotion in the body. Now the connection between healing and bodywork was more overt.
At about the same time I started a meditation practice (again I lucked out with my teachers) and I feel this is where it has all come together. The type of practice I use seems to give space for some brain rewiring to take place.
Looking back at my life now I can see that everything was leading towards recovery - even though it wasn't always clear to me at the time. In 2000 at a New Year's Eve party I felt for the first time that the positive outweighed the negative in my life and that there was a point to being alive other than simply surviving.
I have been incredibly lucky, and have had the time for all this. It's been, and still is, a huge amount of work. I spend one to three months each year in solitary retreat to really give my meditation practice time to do its thing and not everyone is going to be able to do this.
But maybe I can help? I say this tentatively as I can see now how 'off' I was when younger so I'm probably still a bit off now - but I seem to help the people who come to me for Shiatsu. I feel quite excited about the idea, though, which is a sign I've come to trust that I might be on to something.
I've recently joined a facebook group called NT Children of AS parents. One post addressed the problem of finding a therapist able to work with this. She suggested finding someone who specialised in child development who could help us unravel what stages got missed out on (causing actual and literal deficiencies in the structure and connectivity of our brains) and to fill in those gaps. I'm looking for one for myself as even though I feel a lot of that has already happened for me I've probably still got some big fat blind spots I need someone else to point out.
One thing I feel very clear about at the moment is that the root of my problems is not a culmination of this bit of neglect here or that bit of unintended cruelty there. It is that when as an infant I looked into my mother's eyes she could not see me as a whole person independent of herself. Human beings are not just born, they are made by social interaction - and it is such a basic and early part of one's development to be seen as a person (which under normal circumstances simply happens) that it's rarely addressed. Sort of like fish not noticing they are in water, those with NT parents don't even see the huge gift of 'self' they were given in the very first phase of their lives.
Maybe I should start a blog somewhere? I already have a title for it in my head. I'd love to help other people - even if it's simply to say that I understand the level of suffering. Looking back at how I used to feel I can't believe I carried on living. We are so strong, and the brain and body can keep developing. Please know that there is hope.
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Dear Anonymous,
It's C here from the previous comment. I hear you. Every single word.
So what to do? I still have a lot of problems but I am VASTLY happier (and more functional) than I was - if you asked me to put a number on it I'd say 70%. I'm 48 next week and still developing. I'm going to share some of my processes here and while everyone is different I hope this helps one or two people.
Firstly I found the same with talking therapies - that talking doesn't get very far. I started therapy as soon as I left home but realised quickly that while it helped me see the present a little more clearly it was doing nothing to change the way I felt about myself, interacted with others and saw the world. I was (and probably still am) a bit of an odd ball. I drank heavily, was dangerously promiscuous and would self harm in public. Shudder.
My lucky break was that I'm a dancer (though I started out with a Fine Art degree) and ended up training in Amsterdam where the education was very holistic. As well as our technique classes we had 'exploration classes' that were based in Body Mind Centering - a form developed by Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen. In the afternoons we had different workshops and the first five weeks was Authentic Movement - a form that was originally developed as a therapy for people who's trauma was pre-verbal. It's been taken up by the dance world as a choreographic tool but fundamentally all that happens is that a group moves (blindfolded and with witnesses for safety and validation) exactly as the body wishes - sessions were three hours long giving space for some deep seated stuff to emerge. We all screamed, laughed, sobbed and slept at different points in this process.
And that's just one example. So I had three years of that in Amsterdam, then moved back home and had a career that lasts to this day (I move a bit slower now but a few folk still employ me!) meaning years of being in my body and often being asked to touch those unconscious places to create emotionally resonant movement for the stage.
I wasn't initially aware at the time how much good this was doing in terms of my childhood problems, but 15 years ago I started training as a Shiatsu practitioner with an extraordinary man who was all about being present with emotion in the body. Now the connection between healing and bodywork was more overt.
At about the same time I started a meditation practice (again I lucked out with my teachers) and I feel this is where it has all come together. The type of practice I use seems to give space for some brain rewiring to take place.
Looking back at my life now I can see that everything was leading towards recovery - even though it wasn't always clear to me at the time. In 2000 at a New Year's Eve party I felt for the first time that the positive outweighed the negative in my life and that there was a point to being alive other than simply surviving.
I have been incredibly lucky, and have had the time for all this. It's been, and still is, a huge amount of work. I spend one to three months each year in solitary retreat to really give my meditation practice time to do its thing and not everyone is going to be able to do this.
But maybe I can help? I say this tentatively as I can see now how 'off' I was when younger so I'm probably still a bit off now - but I seem to help the people who come to me for Shiatsu. I feel quite excited about the idea, though, which is a sign I've come to trust that I might be on to something.
I've recently joined a facebook group called NT Children of AS parents. One post addressed the problem of finding a therapist able to work with this. She suggested finding someone who specialised in child development who could help us unravel what stages got missed out on (causing actual and literal deficiencies in the structure and connectivity of our brains) and to fill in those gaps. I'm looking for one for myself as even though I feel a lot of that has already happened for me I've probably still got some big fat blind spots I need someone else to point out.
One thing I feel very clear about at the moment is that the root of my problems is not a culmination of this bit of neglect here or that bit of unintended cruelty there. It is that when as an infant I looked into my mother's eyes she could not see me as a whole person independent of herself. Human beings are not just born, they are made by social interaction - and it is such a basic and early part of one's development to be seen as a person (which under normal circumstances simply happens) that it's rarely addressed. Sort of like fish not noticing they are in water, those with NT parents don't even see the huge gift of 'self' they were given in the very first phase of their lives.
Maybe I should start a blog somewhere? I already have a title for it in my head. I'd love to help other people - even if it's simply to say that I understand the level of suffering. Looking back at how I used to feel I can't believe I carried on living. We are so strong, and the brain and body can keep developing. Please know that there is hope.
Love to all,
June 5, 2016 - 12:38amC.
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