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I am a retired cop choosing to stay at home with my son. It's difficult for me to distinguish between which incident causes which, but I missed my job TERRIBLY - every aspect - to the point of depression. This independent Alpha female was suddenly dependent for the first time since pre-teens. When my son was 6 months old, I become pregnant with my daughter. I also had gestational diabetes with her, causing me to gain a great deal of weight, thus, a poor self image. The depression has never lifted, and I've aquired anxiety, panic attacks, (chronic pain from on-duty accident), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, bi-polar depression and heaven knows what else. I'm a walking pharmacy. I honestly feel that I have never gotten rid of post partem depression after my daughter was born. I had no issues with my son. I don't know if I have it for life, or if these outside factors are the actual cause, or if it's all combined. Regardless, it's here to stay and I am learning to live with it - some days it's an up hill battle. But all will be well because I believe God does not give us more than He thinks we can handle.

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If God is an all forgiving God, and Thou Shall Not Commit Murder is on the Ten Commandments, and suicide is murder of one's self, would God forgive me and allow me to reside with Him, or would I go to "hell?" I decided not to take that chance. God put me on earth for a purpose no matter how minute or major. We are given life and the free will to make our own decisions and despite which path I choose, I will still successfully complete my duty - mistakes, sins and all. And He'll bring me "home" when HE'S ready.

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