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Caregiving 101: What to Say (or Not Say) to Someone with Cancer

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Cancer related image Photo: Getty Images

When a loved one is newly diagnosed with cancer it not only affects the patient, but those around them. Caregivers are often also faced with learning to “live with cancer” while managing a stressful situation.

While no one’s future is ever guaranteed, numerous studies do show people in a crisis do better emotionally with strong support from family and friends.

But knowing what to say — or not say — or how to best help your loved one can be a tricky proposition.

Here are a few tips to help you be as supportive as possible:

Take a deep breath. Give yourself and your loved one time to adjust to the diagnosis. Recognize each of you will deal with the situation in your own way.

Giving care to a love one with cancer requires a great deal of flexibility, patience, courage and a good sense of humor. But it’s okay to experience emotions about your loved one’s situation.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, confide in a friend or counselor to provide insight and support. Your cancer center may have a social worker ready to help.

Be a good listener. This can be challenging because it is natural for most people to go into “cheerleader” mode when a loved one faces a life-threatening illness. Your ability to listen without judging or brushing over the person's feelings is probably one of the most significant contributions you can make to his or her wellbeing.

Be informed. No one expects you to be an expert about your loved one’s cancer, but the more you know, the better you will be able to contribute to his or her care and treatment. Start by being an active participant during clinic visits and keep a notebook of questions to ask the doctor, specific medical directions and to document any treatment side effects, as this information may be overwhelming for the patient.

As a caregiver, educating yourself by researching the diagnosis, treatment options and clinical trials that might be available is helpful, but giving medical advice to the patient isn’t. Refrain from saying, “You ought to try this,” or “Do that”.

Keep life normal. Encourage your loved one to engage as much as possible in normal daily activities and respect his or her wishes to do normal “pre-cancer” tasks. For some people, being able to do things like cook dinner or continue working can lessen the sense that cancer is taking over their lives.

When offering help, be specific. Telling your loved one to "call you if they need something" is meant with best intentions, but it can put them in an uncomfortable position.

Instead, offer to help with specific tasks, such as the shopping, driving them to treatments on a particular day or walking the dog when they are not able. If you are the primary caregiver, set up a list of activities that your family or friends can sign up to do weekly or monthly, such as designating a family member or friend who can help field phone calls regarding your loved one's progress.

Keep yourself healthy. Being a caregiver can be a deeply rewarding experience, but it can also be extremely stressful. You can’t offer effective physical and emotional support to your love one if you don’t take care of yourself by getting adequate rest, proper nutrition and personal care.

Manage stress by making time for regular exercise and don’t be afraid to take a mental vacation by allow yourself private time to do nothing, or something important to you. Participate in caregiver support groups and credible websites for support.

Lynette Summerill, an award-winning writer and scuba enthusiast lives in San Diego, CA with her husband and two beach-loving canines. In addition to writing about cancer-related issues for EmpowHER, her work has been seen in newspapers and magazines around the world.

Sources:

Coping Tips for Caregivers. UC San Diego Moore Cancer Center. Accessed online 17 January 2012 at:
http://cancer.ucsd.edu/coping/resources-education/Pages/caregiver-tips.aspx

What can I say to a newly-diagnosed loved one? Cancercare.org Fact Sheet. Accessed online 17 January 2012 at:
http://www.cancercare.org/publications/104

Listen with your heart. Tips for Caregivers. American Cancer Society. Accessed online 17 January 2012 at: http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/UnderstandingYourDiagnosis/TalkingaboutCancer/ListenwithYourHeart/index

Reviewed January 17, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

Add a Comment2 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

If offering help with specific tasks, Lotsa Helping Hands is a great organization tool and resource. Lotsa Helping Hands is a free, private community web site to organize family and friends during times of need. Family caregivers can get respite and relief from tapping into the many offers of help they receive from their circle of friends and family. The service includes an intuitive group calendar for scheduling meals, rides and other daily activities as well as community sections (well wishes, blogs, photos) that provide emotional support to the family. http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

January 18, 2012 - 7:03am

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Haralee
Empowered
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Great points.
I think often people feel they have to say something and it really is not helpful but trying to remember they are reaching out is important!

January 17, 2012 - 4:56pm

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Lynette Summerill
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.