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Am i really in this rut at just 19?

By December 19, 2010 - 5:13pm
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Even if i don't get an answer its going to be nice to get this off my chest, here goes.
I am 19 years old, petite and in my own opinion not too bad looking (no-one really thinks they are stunning do they?) and my partner is a gorgeous 18 year old boy. We have been together for nearly 2 years now and have definatly proven our love for one another with over coming obstacles.
My partner eats healthy food and excercises alot but is a borderline (if that) alcoholic. I mean he just drinks it all away at any chance he gets. He had a very bad upbringing and drowns it all now in later life. He also used to sleep with ALOT of people. This leads me to the problem.

For the first 7 months it was fine, he wanted me all the time. Then he seemed to just forget about sex. I have tried all kinds of things to spice things up but all the hints never seem to get through and when i ask for it, he just seems to laugh it off.
I know that alcohol and emotional issues can affect a mans libido but the problem is that whenever offered he will accept oral sex, there is no problem there. It just seems to be that he doesn't want me. I can't reach any other conclusion other than he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore. In my mind i keep blaming this on my insecurity, being flat chest, but i was like that before and it didn't bother him then.
He said once that he felt like our intimate times weren't personal enough and it wasn't special to hold me anymore because i modelled art nude ONCE. It was tasteful work too.
I don't know weather its selfishness or what. I just can't believe that at this age, my man already doesn't want to sleep with me....
I feel so unsexy and unfeminine and unwanted. Its really affecting me.

I don't even think its an issue of that i'm bad at sex because he had told me how good i was before. I just need someone to look in from the outside to see if they can suggest anything that could be causing this before i declare myself a freaking nun...

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You might want to hold off from becoming a nun at your age! :-)

He does sound like his alcohol and emotional issues are causing relationship difficulties, but not in the way you mentioned. You are wanting to know if it essentially kills his libido...but what I believe is happening is that he is not able to communicate effectively with you, in regards to what is really going on with his feelings. I do not believe he is capable of a healthy relationship right now.

Can I say this: it sounds like you need to move on. I hate to be so blunt, but a relationship should not be this much hard work. He has a lot of things he needs to deal with, and you can help him as a friend. You are no longer able to help him as a girlfriend, as he has pulled you into the mix...and you are wondering if you are attractive or perform sexually enough? This has nothing to do with you...and everything to do with him. He needs to get some help. He is using sex in harmful ways (frequent sex partners in the past, now not being intimate with you except for oral sex), he is using alcohol in harmful ways. This person is not able to be in a healthy, mature and long-term relationship until he can work on his own issues on his own terms, hopefully with a therapist.

You have all the information you need in front of you to make a decision, and it is really up to you. What type of relationship do you want? Do you want to be with a man forever that will not be physically intimate with you, but "accepts" oral sex? Do you want a man who abuses alcohol? Do you want a man who can sleep with a lot of women, but them place blame (deflect blame) on you for modeling in a professional environment? Long-term, healthy partnerships do not place blame, find fault, use alcohol, avoid or withhold physical intimacy from one-another. It is great that you have had this relationship, and perhaps it has run its course and the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to decide what you want out of your life, who you want in it, what you deserve, and you can be with someone who wants to be with you physically, wants to be intimate with you... in all the same ways you want to be. you can find a relationship in which you are sexually compatible, and you may also benefit from some counseling sessions if you feel you are meant to "fix" this other person.

good luck!

December 19, 2010 - 9:25pm
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