Facebook Pixel

boyfriend lost sex desire

By July 14, 2009 - 8:52pm
Rate This

Hi all. Im 31,my bf is 30. We dont live together,but i stay at his apartment often,we have no kids and have been dating for 3 and a half years.

When we first started to date,we had a pleasurable sex life, but a year into it ,I started getting my heart right with God and decided to not engage in premarital sex anymore.At this time,my boyfriend got very depressed due to not having a job,no money and at that time,still living with his mom.So we both,kind had our own reasons for not really having sex.

So fast forward and we are very close, he Got his geart right with God ,we are very close spiritually,emotionally and just have a special connection.

We both want to get married and both agrree that noone else is right for us,i know it sounds cheesy.

But due to not having sex,we lost that passion, the intimacy,that spark and even tho he just asked me if i would marry him, he now just (very genuinely,not cold heartedly), told me that although he loves me so much,thinks im gorgeous and he thinks we have a great relationship, that hes not attracted to me anymore to where he desires me sexually.

He still has no job,no money and he is depressed.I really belive that this, along with us stopping being intimate,have given him no urge. He disagrees his depression has anything to do with his low libido...hes even stopped doing other things that he loves due to his depression.He says he doesnt feel like a man.

He says the reason that we arent married (Aside from financially)is because he is worried that his deire for me wont return once we are married.

We are BOTH concerned about this and willing to do anythng to save this relationship,its not just me wanting to keep us together.

But he thinks that doing things like going on exciting dates again an being more "touch feely",like nice massages wont help...but he is willing to try.

Now,Im startng to feel like i need to detatch my feeling from him (quite hard to do),just so i dont hurt myself in the long run...what do i do???

Sorry so long...

Add a Comment4 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I am going through something so similar. I have been seeing someone for almost 2 years in February. We "jumped" into the relationship feet first and have children involved as well. We both have children from other relationships and that is a factor in all this. We had amazing sex when we first got together and it slowly dwindled. I gently confronted him on the issue, he said it was him and not me, he actually went to see a doctor and the doc said his testosterone is somewhat low. He just lost his father a few months ago and is depressed about that. I am doing what I can to help him through all this, although ever since he turned 40 his sex drive has decreased substantially. I am very sexual for a female and comparing myself to others I've talked to and read about. I am so frustrated because I miss the passion and connection we once had but I am torn because I too am getting my heart right with God and want to do what's right. I had told him no more sex unless marriage, but I struggle with not having sex myself! The sex was already an area of struggle and issue, and now that I've got God in the picture again, it's even more difficult, because the sexual issues can't be dealt with anyhow until marriage. I just simply want he and I to be happy in the area of God and sex and it seems as though it can't be until later....

What do you do when you meet someone, you think you have it figured out that you've finally met your match sexually and then this person turns out to be something that doesn't fit in that area after all? Most everything else is good with us, but the sex is a big issue for me. He could go with or without the sex he said. I can't go without sex for too long and I have an enormous need for sexual intimacy in my life along with spiritual intimacy with God.

I need help to clarify what and how I am going to handle all this. I am so frustrated...

Thank you for your help.

November 24, 2010 - 1:28pm

thanks for the links also!!

July 16, 2009 - 11:34am

Thank you so much. Yes,he tells me that he is very depressed now, and just so many things, no money at all, having to ask others for help with bills,his vehicle is breaking down and he has no money to fix it,he needs to get some medical care, just things build up at once. WHen he talks about finally getting a job (he looks ALL the time,there seems to be not be much employment where we live,our area has been hit really hard in the recession), i see the small glimmer or excitement in his eyes, so i do belive that getting a job will do wonders for him.

I guess that I"m worried that his lack of desire for me, even if it is from his depression or not, is to far gone to come back.....He said that he will do more "romantic" things with me if I would like to and if i feel that it would benefit our relationship,but he says he can't see how any of that would help....So I get kinda down about it,like it's not something that I can control or help.

I'm praying things will work out for the best.

Thank you.

July 16, 2009 - 11:33am

Hi, Summerdayz. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for your question. And don't worry, it's not too long. All those details help people know how to write back to you.

There's a lot going on here, isn't there? An awful lot of good things, and then a few that are a puzzle. Let's see if we can work on the puzzle pieces.

Does your boyfriend believe he is depressed? Would he seek help for it?

Because depression is a major cause of low libido. Major. And the fact that he no longer is doing other things that he used to be interested in is a key. When depression really sets in, it can seem absolutely impossible to believe that you'll ever be interested in anything again. It feels ludicrous. It feels stupid to even think about it. It feels fake. I know from experience. Do you know that once in the pit of my depression, something funny came on the radio in my car, and I laughed -- and then I realized how fake laughing seemed. That's how insidious depression can be. It creeps in around the edges and affects things you don't even realize in addition to the things you do realize.

I realize that seeing a therapist during a time of long unemployment may not be practical, but there are also places that will treat a person on a sliding scale. It might help him just to see someone once or twice, even, so he can learn how the depression is affecting him and perhaps get some strategy on how to deal with it. Is this a possibility, do you think?

Here are a couple of references and articles that discuss depression and loss of libido:



Here's something that is important to remember: Whatever he believes is TRUE for him. If he doesn't feel like a man, probably due to having no job and not being able to provide financially, then there isn't much you can do or say to change that. This is something that's coming from deep inside him and it may not get better until he can work. It is very possible that you could get married this minute and that nothing will change until the financial picture is a little steadier. He wants to feel productive and involved in the work world, and until he does, he'll feel unproductive and uninvolved. It's hard to feel sexually aroused when that's a reality.

I believe you that the two of you are right for one another, and I believe totally that you can get through this and to the other side. But I think it has more to do with him than it does with you, and I don't think marriage will necessarily change that. Depression is quite common, it can be treated, with therapy and/or with medication, and people learn that they can feel happier and more involved again.

Any possibilities here? Could I find you more information? Or do you need help finding resources where you live? If so, we can try to help with that as well, just write back with the city and state you live in. And come back and update us, OK? You need to be heard as much as your boyfriend does.

July 16, 2009 - 9:11am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!