Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest

Help me break this cycle: I havnt slept with my boyfriend in over a year!

By Anonymous June 20, 2011 - 1:31pm
Rate This


My boyfriend and I are 24 and have been dating for almost three years. It’s been over a year since we’ve had regular sex (we have been intimate approx 4 times in the past year and having lasted under 5 minutes I did not have a chance to enjoy it). Its a terrible cycle: Im rejected and I tell him how that feels, and he is "turned off" by the "nagging" so he rejects. and so on.
The toll it has taken on my happiness is great, I’ve started sulking daily because I feel I have no control over this situation. I am most upset at how upset I have become- it’s a terrible cycle.. the rejection has made me lose my confidence which I imagine makes me less attractive to my partner (and I have told him this and he has agreed..) He says he loves me every time I talk to him, but I feel if he truly loved me he would work with me on this issue and see that he is doing this to me. He avoids this issue and becomes incredibly frustrated (eyes rolling etc) when I just try to talk to him about it. Which obviously REALLY enrages me.. and it’s a cycle. Other than this issue we have a loving affectionate relationship we cuddle and kiss and he tells me he loves me. But it just isn’t enough!

My friends have told me to end this as well as my family (although they don’t know the issue causing me unhappiness) having witnessed my poor mood over the past few months. I understand their concern, but I want to ensure I do all I can on my part to save this relationship before I accept it is out of my control- I do love him very much and feel other than the lack of sex (which is really important) our relationship would be excellent. It has been the only topic we have fought over (and a lot) over the past year…
I am not sure anymore as to whether my boyfriend has ED. He says that the pressure he feels on this issue makes him not want to perform, but I feel I am loving and supportive and we did have sex in the beginning! I need him to want to work through this with me and can’t understand how he can stay in this relationship (Im missing the intimacy, how can he not be?). The most Ive gotten out of him as an explanation really hurts. In his eyes he says that the more I “nag” the less he wants it. How can he not realize that somewhere along the way the amount of hurt I feel from being consistently rejected “turned me off” of him as well… yet I still tried to be with him for the sake of fixing this. I have to also note that I did not “nag” or criticize while in the bedroom.. ever.
I moved in with my boyfriend over a year ago (which only lasted a few months), and almost immediately he began telling me every time I tried to be with him that he was “too tired”. I wouldn’t push it, but over weeks I began to turn over and cry after. I then brought up the issue- but he wouldn’t talk about it and would roll his eyes and deny there being a problem. Soon, I started to tell him at the end of each week how upset this was making me (usually on a Sunday dinner, not in the bedroom and no nagging, just sadness)- this is the nagging he is seeing and it simply has not ended. Every week I tell him this is destroying me.
I need to also note that when I first moved in with him and this happened I did wonder if he had been cheating on me. Since we shared a computer, I have to admit I checked his internet history and what I found was more hurtful… Every day before I would come home from work he would have a session with porn (straight, so that’s not an issue). Porn is not an issue for me- if my sex life is good with my partner I don’t care what he does in his own time, however, it had literally “replaced me” and allowed him to avoid fixing this issue with me. I was and still am incredibly hurt that he would be this selfish.
Finally, he has admitted to a form of ED. When we first started having sex he lied about finishing. I know this because around our one year dating anniversary he was thrilled he had gotten off and said I was the first girl he had been able to do that with. He also has a unique form of masturbation where he ejaculates only while flaccid- usually while rubbing himself against a bed/floor. Today, he says hes worried he won’t be able to get hard, but that’s never been an issue in our sex lives, the issue is that he’s simply not trying to be with me… or talking to me about it.
I feel if I could let go and not try to be with him for awhile this may fix things, however, having been rejected for this long has me very insecure. He is going away for a month this summer to visit family in another country and I honestly wonder about his faithfulness- only because I’m so frustrated that I’m concerned about my own- how can he not have a wandering eye? We are not being intimate!!
We are so frustrated with the level this has gotten too. I can’t control my temper and find I say hurtful things in response to him not respecting that this is bothering me (if I bring it up and he rolls his eyes, I fly off the rails).
Please tell me what I should try to do to fix things with someone that doesn’t want to address the issue. I am willing to do/say anything; I will swallow my pride and compliment him etc… I want to save this relationship because HE is everything I want.

Thanks so much for your insight and advance..

Anon x

Add a Comment3 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Just hoping someone can learn from my mistake. After almost two years of sex being our only issue and me flipping over rejection, he left me. Im devastated and hit with late perspective. How could I have thought at any time that yelling (about how hurt I was) would make my guy want to be with me more. I had seen him as this selfish, drinks and porn come before my girlfriend, kind of guy.. and that I always was the victim. I was so incredibly wrong, and can honestly say I lost someone I loved because I treat them badly or couldve acted differently. He said he still loves me but is much happier now (its been a week?). I get that stage one of a breakup is desperation and to say that you will change... but I really have and would act differently if given a chance. It takes the fear of losing someone for that perspective. Hes very stubborn, and I almost dont blame him- but Im not getting another shot. I wish there was a way to get him to understand that the only problem in our relationship (the cause to others maybe , but core) has been fixed- by me not him. I shouldve taken a coaxing/kind approach instead.

Really angry and late perspective. Its terrible that I had to learn a lesson, and lose someone I love in the process.

Anon x

July 23, 2011 - 1:02pm
EmpowHER Guest

I know how u feel I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we have not had sex in 2 years. We don't always sleep in the same bed either. He watches porn every time I am not around. I too was replaced. We try not to talk about it, this will eventually end our relationship since sex is very important.

June 23, 2011 - 8:47pm

Hi Anonymous,
This is a complex and sad relationship. Your boyfriend's issue with erectile dysfunction is a matter that can be treated by a urologist. Treatment is available if he wishes to seek medical attention. Your self-esteem and overall happiness are being compromised. I have no advice or suggestions on how to fix the problem. I don't know if this relationship can be fixed. Talking has not helped, so I don't know if intervention with a well-trained counselor would help. If you have concerns about his fidelity during this upcoming trip, then, this indicates to me that there is no trust as a foundation in this relationship.
The final choice is yours, and yours alone. But, why stay with someone who behaves this way?

June 20, 2011 - 4:29pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!