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Help... relationship issues

By September 22, 2009 - 9:58pm
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I'm 19 and my partner is 20.we have been together for 4 years.i lost my virginity to him and our sex life was good for the first 2-3 years. since then we barly ever have sex if we do its because i ask/initiate it. im starting to get really concerned about our relationship as it is becoming more of a friendship rather than a relation ship... he brought me an engagemtn ring over a year ago and still i have not been given it.im worried that i am not good enough for him but i dont see how this is possible as i have lost weight and am looking better than ever. whenever i bring up the subject of sex he basically changes the subject and says that he is tired but work wise nothing has changed in his shedule. along with this problem he also tells me lies or hides things from me like nothing huge but just stupid things..i often think that if he is telling these little white lies is he capable of doing more?????

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Hi Deanna,

My boyfriend and I are about the same age as you and yours and I have been in a very similar situation. As Diane mentioned, this is a young age for such a dedicated relationship, so there is absolutely some growing up that needs to be done when you're talking about marriage and long-term commitment. Roughly 2 years into our relationship my boyfriend showed some similar characteristics to what you described. And what it all boiled down to was 1) the relationship had gotten boring- It just happens with time in any relationship, 2) our communication skills were terrible, and 3) he wasn't sure he wanted to be tied down anymore. That last one stung a lot, but it's absolutely understandable- When you aren't even out of college yet and you're thinking about "forever" it's natural to wonder if this is really it. We wound up splitting up for a little while, which did hurt, but it was also quite helpful. During this time I worked on myself and worried about making sure that I was well and moving forward for me. He did the same, and after this period of reflection we reunited and were both better lovers. The one major thing that really saved us was communication.

I think you should seek out your boyfriend at a time you know he will be in an agreeable mood. Try not to point the finger too harshly and let him know that you are hurt and why. Let him know that you care about him and that you want both of you to be happy, but this can't happen if you can't speak respectfully and responsibly about the issues at hand. Maybe he won't put forth the effort and maybe you will wind up walking away. But if that's the case, it's better that it happens now then after years of misery. And of course, countless men have "got it together" for their girlfriends before- maybe he just needs a wake-up call. In either case, the important thing to keep in mind is that you are absolutely worthy of a good man and in any relationship you should never take less than what you deserve, nor give the other person less than they deserve. It's 100% both ways.

You seem fairly concerned about marriage. Maybe this thought just needs to be put aside for awhile? I worried about this for awhile also. However, after working on the relationship together and resolving a lot of issues, the thought doesn't cross my mind much. Once the relationship reaches a point of stability and you feel that the other person isn't "going anywhere" that ring becomes kind of unimportant.

September 30, 2009 - 1:50pm
(reply to magick63)


I'm very impressed with you and with the advice you gave Deanna. It's right on target and I can tell that it comes from your own personal growth and insight, which wasn't an easy thing to come by. Thank you for writing, and I hope we'll see more of you around EmpowHer!

October 1, 2009 - 9:08am


I would like to agree with everything Rosa said, and add this: Of COURSE you are good enough for him, and it doesn't have to do with whether you have gained or lost weight or whether you have purple hair. It is much more about the person you are inside. I worry that you are judging your worthiness just based on your appearance. Has he been critical of you in this area? Or is it just how you think about yourself?

Rosa is right -- you two have to be able to talk about this, with honesty and respect for one another, or it's not going to work out. And the lying is indeed a concern.

Since you were both so young when you started seeing one another, you haven't had very much experience working out problems together as adults. But if you are seriously thinking about being married to him one day, you have to be able to do it.

September 23, 2009 - 9:20am


Thank you for your post. Have you tried having a serious conversation with him about your feelings? Often, I feel like this is the deal breaker. If your boyfriend is willing to hear you out and actually validate your feelings as well as willing to give you an explanation for some of his actions, I think it's worth trying to save your relationship. On the other hand, when a man closes himself off, doesn't want to talk or listen, and refuses on changing anything to keep the way things currently are, then that would raise a big, red, flag. At this point, if he is unwilling to try to save your relationship then it's pretty evident that he is just waiting until one of you gets tired of the situation and gets out.

I, personally, think it's worth trying to save...but ONLY if both of you are ready and willing to work at it together.

September 23, 2009 - 5:50am
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