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Is it true that having negative assumptions and outlooks will eventually lead to destruction?

By May 10, 2010 - 3:07pm
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My boyfriend and I have been getting over a 6 month rough spot. We've been together for 5 years now. There has been a period when I left for college that we mutually decided it should and would be best for us to break up. When I came back, I lost my home (my mother had kicked me out) so I went to live with him and his mother and his brother. I don't love him any less than I used to, but we DO frequently argue more. I think it may have to do with, A." His overworking, B. my overworking, C. the lack of going out and doing things that we'd both like to do together.

Things have gotten better as far as the rough spot goes, we're both more respectful of eachothers belongings, I am learning to let small things go (i.e dishes or household chores), and trying very hard to get back to being the independent woman that I used to be. However, he's said that he's confused about our relationship... and that he has changed a lot since I was put in the hospital a few months ago.... This took a HUGE toll on him as it was my mental health that was in question and I said to him I didn't care whether or not my wanting to die would hurt him, or anyone. I've apologized and the healing process takes time on both ends. Not to mention we're both at pivotal points in our lives. I feel that if we keep talking to eachother about our preferences, likes, dislikes, general thoughts, deep thoughts and give each other space and actually go out some more that this will work. He doesn't want to settle, and I do to an extent. I want to travel, but I have Cystic Fibrosis and Diabetes so having a home base would be good... Maybe I need to move out and get my own apartment for now. But, I'm afraid by doing that we'll only grow farther apart. But he seems to have negative thoughts and said to me last night that we're both changing so much and that one thing could be what ends us. One differentiating view. I understand this to an extent but also disagree. Having constant negative thoughts like that is likely to curb ones thinking to be negative towards us regularly. Am I wrong? What can I do? I don't want to lose him. There's so many thoughts I'm having! I want us to be good together, but if the negative thoughts continue, I think they'll end us. Should I tell him that?

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He's slowly ending the relationship because he doesn't have the balls to make a clean break. Take the upper hand and tell him you're done. Having a man around who doesn't love you, isn't supportive through your problems, and is narcissistic about his needs is a huge drain. Better to be alone than in bad company. There will be plenty of other men in your life. You've outgrown this one. Move on. But you know this, sweetie.

May 11, 2010 - 12:53pm

Thank you Pat. It means a lot that you will put blunt and truthful advice out there for me. It's true, I do have a lot to reflect on from a more objective stand point. But, is there ever really a way to fully objectify myself? I don't even think that I have the courage to do that at this point in time. I need to get back to my roots so to speak I guess.
I don't mean we're bad by saying that I want it to be good. What I should have said is I want it to be better. Anyways, and regardless you are right about my illnesses.
I really appreciate this, it's helped a lot. And I would appreciate other comments as well. There's only so much you can get from a small circle of friends who will always tell you what you want to hear. That's not always the best thing.

May 11, 2010 - 6:59am
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

Hi CabbageSav - Let me play back what I heard you say. You've been involved with this guy for five years with no clear commitment on his part. You have been through a serious medical condition and he is not supporting your needs. You have two additional serious medical concerns. He has dropped a number of hints that may be building up to a way to end the relationship with very little notice. There are few comments in your statement about positive aspects of this relationship and what you're getting from it that's good for you. You say you want it to be good, indicating that it isn't, and you want to change him and have him stop his negative thoughts.

Oh boy.... It sounds like it's time for you to take a step back from the situation and try to look at it more objectively, especially in terms of what you actually want and need in your life. You can't change another person, the only one any of us can change is ourselves, and the first step in dealing with your current relationship is to better understand what you really want and why you are working so hard to "settle" for someone who you say is negative and not supporting you.

Hope that helps, and isn't too blunt, but when I see someone with serious health issues the last thing they need is to be compromised by a difficult and stressful relationship.
Take care, Pat

May 10, 2010 - 6:04pm
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