I've been with my BF for almost 3 years, soon to tie the knot but somethings are off, please help.

By Anonymous August 16, 2014 - 11:45pm

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Hi there,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 8 months. He was and still is the guy of my dreams if you look at the big picture. We have the same future goals (family, kids etc...) and are both aspiring to reach that together. His family and mine met each other very recently and the plan is to take things to the next level in the next few months. From that "big picture" perspective, everything seems to be going well. The problems we have however are only problems perceived by me which is bringing the relationship down a lot, to the point where my resentment has driven him to becoming emotionally far away from me & I am not sure what I can do to get us to being close again.

We were always very close & whenever I suck it up and act "happy" things go so well. But in reality, there are many things I am unhappy about when it comes to our relationship which is making it very difficult for me to act happy anymore. Despite the fact that he is polite and really caring and thoughtful, he only is available on his terms! I only see him whenever he is free but in truth he is ALWAYS BUSY. He blames him being busy on work, family, and hobbies which he pre-books slots for. He spends most of his time working, 5 days a week until 7:30 pm, then he has to do certain daily rituals, then finally he comes over to mine to see me for a little bit. Which after 3 years, has become more of a chore than a fun thing. The plan is to live together when we get married but still I do not see this changing after we get married because I feel like he is not busy by default but he always makes sure his schedule is full of things to do sports, hobbies etc... that he feels resentful to the world if he did not give these things enough time every week. When I bring this up he goes into defensive mode and starts feeling like he is doing everything to make me happy and that I am "selfish" to hint that he should give up any of those things he loves to do. In reality though, I as separate entity get more time than anything else he does after work but that's because the 20 things he likes to do he gives each a small amount of time a week but collectively, he is spending way more time doing those than attending to me or my needs.

I am starting to feel like a nag whenever I bring it up because I always end up being wrong (how could I say that when clearly we are headed towards marriage? is his point of view). He doesn't get that being a couple means having a life together and not simply stopping by everyday whenever he is finished with his hobbies, work or family (parents).

This all has distanced us so much and I am afraid we have reached a point of no return. I am worried that I am simply with a very committed but self-absorbed person who must always fill his days because "real life" is something he likes to run away from?! I must admit that he is very committed and perhaps that is my struggle. Hard to find polite, funny committed men nowadays who have and are trying to reach the same life goal with you. It is just difficult for me to accept that he never enjoys/wants to spend time together & moreover is in complete denial about dismissing my needs.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Best,

Moi

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Maryann Gromisch RN Guide

Hello Moi,

Thank you for seeking our help with your concerns and feelings about your relationship. It is apparent that you both need intervention if this relationship to be saved.

You have major issues that must be addressed honestly and resolved before you go forward with a wedding.

As an objected observer, I see that your boyfriend has one concept of how you should spend time together and your perspective is at the opposite end of the spectrum. There must be a compromise and respect for each other's view.

Would you and your boyfriend be open to counseling? As a Catholic, I am aware of pre-nuptial counseling. With the right clergyman, it is very beneficial. Depending on your faith, would meeting with a spiritual leader help? If not, would you consider a couple's counselor?

Moi, don't give up yet.

Regards,
Maryann

August 17, 2014 - 7:00am