Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I am 31 years old, and have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. We had a carefree, fun and loving relationship before she came along - although his family has always been a little 'too close' (everything is approved by the rest of the family or it is not acceptable to anyone)... anyway, our daughter was 6 1/2 weeks premature, and we had to deal with the stress of having her in NICU, complications with my c-section and hubby breaking a rib... all at the same time. Things started to even out a little bit once our daughter was home, other than the constant interference from his mother. Then when she was 8 months old, my husband collapsed in the bathroom, unconscious and barely breathing after about a week of flu-like symptoms. It was discovered that he had literally drowned in fluid in his lungs. They drained it and it kept reoccurring.

Surgeons did a thoracotomy with decortication in Oct 2011 but that did not work. He has been on steroids for almost 2 years, which keep things at bay but every time he goes under a certain dose he ends up in hospital again for IV drugs and drains. They have trialed him on various medications, which make him near impossible to live with.

And he is the worst communicator in the world.

Worse still is his mother and one of his best friends (who is a female, but she is in a committed relationship and I truly do not think there is romantic intent there), anyway, they are telling him things like "are you sure she isn't poisoning you", and "she is stressing you out so much she is making you sick" - which he is then reflecting onto me and getting nasty and vile towards me like he believes I am poisoning him or something!

I left him in October 2012 for 3 months because I was so sick of him not looking after himself - going to his father's business and running it for free, working himself to the bone, ending up in hospital, getting out and going and doing it all over again, drinking copious amounts of V energy drink, eating crappy food all the time.

To be honest, the promises that he would change, and my deep-seated desire to make our marriage last made me go back to him. That, and the hideous custody battle as he insisted on going for 50/50 custody, so his mother could have our daughter half of her life.

He takes off at random hours to 'walk the dog', he gives me the silent treatment for no reason, he doesn't answer my calls. I am wondering if he is having an affair, or is it just that he is avoiding me - I'm not sure which is worse!? Oh, and he still isn't looking after himself.

I want a happy, healthy husband, a partner in raising our child.

I am depressed. I cry alot when our girl is in bed, and I have been left on my own. He invests into our daughter when he feels like it, but he never invests in our relationship. I have tried taking him out on 'date nights', took him to a comedy thing he is really into recently. He talked about the workshop the whole time, and threw a few nasty comments at me about how he and his family (meaning his Mum and brothers) thinks I am a psycho.

We have seen private specialists, we have been to the heads of departments (respiratory, immunology, surgeons, etc). No stone has been left unturned. The hardest part is not knowing exactly what we are dealing with. After almost 3 years, I am under no impression that this is something that is going to be cleared up and will simply go away. I just wish my husband would come around to that way of thinking.
Regards
Lisa
PS. Just to clarify, I understand where you are coming from, and if there are no children involved... it makes things a lot easier. Maybe you can remain friends if he doesn't get too bitter and twisted?

I live with my husband who is chronically sick. He is Vietnam vet with several physical disorders. He has neuropathy, heart disease, trouble with his balance which I believe is ms. He does not want to go to the doctor again because every time he does the news is always bad. He has become distant, depressed and hardly speaks to me. He has a small part time job and I work full time. It has become so difficult feeling the loneliness and isolation that he has brought to our life. We now sleep in separate rooms because he is always in pain. We have not made love for years and it doesn't seem to bother him. I feel like I am living this life by myself. I just don't know how long I can go on. I think I would feel different if he tried to help himself. I understand your loneliness and guilt of not wanting to continue.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He has been diagnosed with ALS since Dec 2009. Here is a blog http://garysals.blogspot.com/ Of course we have not blogged about everything. I have worked harder since his diagnosis even 14 months of 72 hour weeks. Trying to get debt free so I can be home more. My work requires me to travel and the last year 1/2 I take my family with me. Our daughter is special needs and our typical son. I believe that men leave in some cases cause others come into the house and help there ill wife. As a wife it seems I am left to do most on my own. Men do not come to see my husband and my friends and family do not come to see me. I do not have a lot to offer anyone. My husband and daughter and work take all I have to offer. I am so tired but have to keep a strong presence for my family and to keep my job. Where is the help I have been posting on facebook and calling agencies and it seems some how we keep falling through that crack. I do not want to leave my husband I would just like to have some help. I also could see if it were not all up to me. If all the areas were covered and all I needed to do was work that there would end up with a emotional distance because I was not there as the need transitioned and would feel out of place not knowing how to help or connect and not needed. Maybe the men might experience this as the too would be away working.

Hi

I can sort of relate to the above, i am 28 yrs old, been married to my husband who is now 33 yrs old for 9 years. 3 years ago he was diagnosed with a rare condition called "MELAS", and since then has been medically boarded, not working, stays at home, and his condition has deteriorated. I do not have children with him and as bad as it sounds, im grateful i dont because looking after him is a fulltime job. But being at my age im evaluating my life, and i would like to have a child one day, have a husband who will look after me instead of vice versa, and be there for me physically and emotionally, both of which i am not getting at the moment. I fear that guilt will overcome me and ill be looking back wen im 40 yrs old and thinking to myself "what if" and the possibilities i am at the moment throwing away because i think of him first. i am stuck in a rut and dont know what to do.

I have been married to a type 1 diabetic, who is non-compliant with treatment for the past 27 years. His body is wearing out after neglect the diabetes and he is on dialysis again after enjoying a transplanted kidney for 13 years. He is verbally abusive toward me now as he always has been. I have always taken it and excused him by saying his blood sugars were too low or too high.
He has recently come through some even more serious health problems as he had a heart attack, pneumonia and nephrotic syndrome prior to beginning emergency dialysis. Because of all of the stress associated with recent events, I am becoming more resentful, especially when he accuses me of trying to steal "his" money. I understand what one of the women said before when it was mentioned that her husband stewed about finances. Mine told me today in so many words that he has little respect for me because I have a balance on my credit card (less than $10,00). He says that he appreciates all I have done for him, but I don't believe that. I think he thinks that this is what he is supposed to say because he has never backed it up with any sincerity or emotion. He refuses to obtain any kind of mental health treatment, even though is becoming increasingly more depressed. Sometimes he says I haven't done ANYTHING for him. I'm trying to exercise and see my friends for an outlet, but that angers him as he says I only want to "party" with my friends. I am becoming more depressed even though I have been taking anti-depressants for years (partly because of our relationship). I have been on leave of absence from work and I am getting ready to head back to an extremely stressful job. I fear what will happen to us.