Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

You ask 'what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?'. Well that kind of woman, to offer a different persepective is ME. I left under very similar circumstances four months ago, moved far away across the country and rebuilt my life with my daughter. I haven't regretted it although much of it was extremely difficult at first. The thing was, I would honestly have moved heaven and earth to stay with my spouse, and knew many people who viewed their M.S positively - but my spouse wasn't one of them, and the meanness and mood swings turned to emotional abuse. So I needed to get myself and my daughter out of there. And I have to say I haven't regretted it. Now that I am gone, my spouse's family have finally had to rally round and provide the support for him between them that they never did whilst I was propping him up. I was quite prepared to be his carer, and did all the courses and so on , but he never appreciated anything I did and blamed me for everything. Hope you don't mind my sharing a different perspective.

I had to join this site and respond, becase I can relate in many ways as both the one who is sick and suprisingly the one who wants to leave.
I am a 47 year old male. I have congestive heart failure and am currently in the transplant program. I am also Bi-Polar, and have degenative disk desase. I still work 40 hours a week. I have insurance, I have disability insurance and I work in a field that I could work from home to make extra money if I couldn't handle a full time job. I am 4-5 months away from a new heart since I am an ex smoker. i must be nicotine free before they will do the transplant. I have helped her support her kids finacially for 12 years, and it's been a struggle for me. My son has gone without things while her kids have not. I am going to leave her. I do love her with all my heart. She is truly sicker than me. She isn't willing to do anything about it and it's going to kill me. This would be the only time, I feel it would be ok to leave a spouse. I am the physically sick one and I am leaving her. My family, friends, therapist (who used to be our marrige counsler), are begging me to leave her before I have the transplant. Because she will not provide the support I will need after it. I would have to move in with my mother for the recovery.
I had a heart attack 5 years ago that's the reaons for this, Heart desease runs in my family. the heart attack was going to happen. I wasn't taking care of myself, I smoked. I brought it sooner than later. I doesn't matter now, what matters now, is I'm doing something about the situation.
I died for 8 minutes. During that time I went into the afterlife and met my grandparents and God. During that time i was told, that we all pay for our sins while we are here on earth, not when we die. Hard to believe after what we're taught. To abandon someone because they are sick, is in my opinion something they will have to answer for. We all know they will lie about to everyone they know, they won't be able to ever be honest, because, morally, especially if they made a vow of marriage, they wil pay for it. No one will want them if they told the real truth, so they will have to seperate the realtiy for lies so someone will buy the BS. They would have done to anyone. It's not personal, it's their nature and their character. More than likely, they were only going to make things worse. if we really look honestly at the situation, I bet, we were making what it wasn't. I bet we were lying to ourselves about what they were really doing, because we were scared. Of course we were scared, it's an honest reaction to an abnormal situation. We have to believe that this will us stronger and that we can and will make it without them. People who only stick around while things are good and only going the way they want it to, have their own problems. LOL< You stayed with them, with their problems, now they were exposed like mine, they were truly sicker than you. Just not in the same way.
To those who are sick, get help, get support. Our real true caregivers have enough to worry about too. They can't always be our emotional support. They can't always be our leaning support. They have to deal with things too. We can't be selfish, or full of self pity and be childish. They won't always be available to us. Do nice things for them so show how much we appreciate what they are doing for us. Show gratitude, not attitude. Sometimes, our meds screw us up, and we are are still responsible for our actions. Just because we are sick doesn't give us a get out out of jail free card. We appologize for our actions. Make ammends. Try to learn about what we are taking, how it will effect us, talk to the dr's. get a therapist, do what we have to be responsible for our Illness. Don't make their life crap, just because we feel like crap. Get off the pity pot and take charge of our life and our Illness. Embrace it!! Accept it!! It's not personal!! It's the cost of being human and humans are not perfect. We weren't signaled out by God, we haven't been dropped. Go to a childs clinic and see the kids going the cancer, or their sicknesses. I have a buddy who's 3 years old son has had 3 open heart surgeries. Who the hell am I to be a whoose about my stuff. It's still OUR life. We are STILL responsible for OUR life. IT's not THEIR JOB to do everything fof US unless we TRULY can't do it or useselves.
There is a difference between hopeless and heplessness. They feel the same, and look the same, but they aren't. We are loved beyond a measure of comprehension that we can't imagine. There is a source of stregnth and power that we can tap into, all we have to do is reach out and it's there. Just believe you deserve it. Caregivers, who deal with their sick partners, it's a crappy deal, our lives didn't turn out the way we hoped. I didn't want my life to turn out like this either. No one wants this for you, or your partner. It's the cost of being human, and the risk we all take. If we had a crystal ball, would you do it with that person again? There is perfessionl help out there to help with the loss and greif that we experience with illnessness. Life is changing, and maybe becoming harder. Maybe we were spoiled, had lots of material things. Ever think God had a plan for us? Ever think, it was time to learn that there are more important things in life than material things. Not that they don't matter, but as long as the basic needs are met, maybe it's time to learn about other needs?
I can tell you something, we can take the love of our comittment with us in eternity. my grandmother and grandfather were there together. I still felt their love for each other.
I take care of myself. I eat correctly. I walk as much as can. I work 40 hours a week. I used to pay half of the bills, but I told her I wasn't going to do that anymore, since I saw her working all this OT and then I was broke. I had bills to pay and can't afford it, and she's buying crap for her kids who have jobs, but can blow their money and she bails them out, but makes me feel guilty for asking for more time with her. She has to work, because I might get too sick to work and we might need the money. She spends all her money on her kids. She has no savings. I have insurance in case that happens. I will never be told I am a burden, when I've done more than she does, and told no I don't have time for you. Than she says I never said that, I don't think that way about you. I have had enough. I know I am loved, I know there is a power greater than me I can lean on, and use when I am weak. We all have it.
If your down, if your hurting, if your feeling like runing try an exercise. Look on the internet for beautiful nature pictures and celestial images. If you can take a walk thru the park. Stop and smell the flowers. Listen to the birds. If it's possible drive around a nice lake, try to do it as close to sunset as possible and watch the sun sink and look at the color sin the sky. Go home for awhile. Take in all or as much of the beauty as possible. When it's dark look at the night sky, remember the stars are suns, remember the other galaxies, and nebulas, look on the internet if you need to. Take it all in and breathe. Just look at all the beautiful creation. After you have done this, really really done this. Something makes this work. The sun comes up, the birds fly, the flowers, trees grow. The stars shine, the galaxies do what ever they do. Something makes this work. it's awesome!!! Take a few mintues and think about the power that created all this beauty, all this wonder, all the power that made this and makes this work and operate daily. Now, go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Tell youself, "I am a part of that beautiful creation". Imagine all the beauty, and see that beautiful person looking back at you. You are beautiful!!!! You are just as glorious, inspiring, awe struck, magnificant and wonderful as all the things we looked at, because WE WERE CREATED BY THE SAME SOURCE!!! Remember that sick person is too!!! They are created by that same source. They are beautiful too!!!
No matter if we're sick, If we are in pain because we've been abandoned, wonder why are we sick, or have to deal with hard issues and or want to run away? We were not all made the same, but we were all created from the same source. We are human, and it' part of the frailty of being human. If that power that created all of this is out there and we if we feel that can't reach out to it, its probably because we turned out backs to it. not the other way around. It's always available to us. Remember, it may just not be in the way we think it should be. Good Luck to all of you.

As a 33 year old woman whose husband cheated on and then divorced me while I was in chemo for breast cancer, I can tell you that as a caregiver, you cannot possibly compare your hurt to someone who is going through treatment for a chronic/possibly fatal disease. Abandoning your spouse while they are fighting for their life is disgusting, like abandonding your wounded on the battle field. Yes, people get divorced everyday. But don't kick them while they're down. If there is abuse going on, that's another thing--abuse is never okay and you should leave. We suffer from a severe lack of devotion and upholidng oblibations in this society--it's appalling. Elderly dumped in nursing homes because their children can't be bothered with them. What did you think you were signing up for? Life isn't always sunshine and roses and sometimes you need to put others before yourself. I'm a nurse so I truly don't relate to people who refuse to care for others. I pity them when the tables turn and they find themselves alone when they are sick. If you're thinking of leaving your sick spouse, I'd like you to close your eyes and imagine YOU are the one laying that bed. How would YOU feel if the one person that promised to take care of you walked away from you when you were too sick to even get up and go to the bathroom or feed yourself from chemo. Not so good huh? Do unto others. It's not okay (if there is no abuse) so stop trying to justify it and soothe your conscience. That is all.

Hello. I am reading all these stories and my heart goes out to all. I have been living with and dealing with my husband of 15 years who was an alcoholic and also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He has been mean and abusive to me and I have endured. He has worked on and off for the past 6-7 years and I have been the supporting us financially as well as trying to deal with his ups and downs. It has been very difficult but I am his wife. I made a vow through sickness and in health. I also became sick with a serious illness several years ago and he made it more about him than me. ( I am doing pretty well now). Instead of stepping up to the plate, he started drinking even more - giving the excuse he was afraid to lose me. I eventually left him because he refused to get help. He convinced me to take him back - making all kinds of commitments to me. Was I saintly or stupid? Now, looking back, the latter seems more accurate. We tried to make a fresh, new start and I thought I was getting back the man I married. Not so fast. He quit drinking for about 6 months, was on decent behavior and then started up again and even stronger than before. Finally, he was diagnosed with end stage liver disease - having only about 10% liver function left. On top of that he was also diagnosed with diabetes and afibrillation (a heart malfunction) and needless to day, he fell into a depression. He has stopped drinking but then obtained a medical marijuana card and was smoking pot 24/7. I would come home from work and my house smelled like a pot den. He has alienated his entire family and no one will talk to him anymore because of his abusive behavior toward them as well. They think I am crazy to stay with him and this is HIS family! I am the only one in his life. He has not friends, no job and no money. What was I supposed to do - drop him on the curb? So I stayed and tried to get him to get the proper help. I try to encourage him to fight and live his best life but he would rather wallow in his misery. And guess what happens? It makes me miserable. I work all day and come home to a broken man every day who could care less about the effect of his behavior on anyone else - particularly his loved ones. He used to do chores around the house while I worked outside the home but now he doesn't even do that. So, everything is up to me. And because of his bipolar depression and the fact that I am the only person in his life - I am in the line of fire. If I try and encourage him to get therapy or get out and do exercise I am being a nag and a bitch. He berates me and tells me I am selfish and how can I turn against him (irrational behavior is common for bipolar disorder) and he focuses on dying instead of living - no matter how much life he has left. His doctors tell us that it is possible he may live many years with this liver failure if he does not drink. He has stopped drinking now but still he is angry about his illness and I can't do anything right. It has now become way beyond my skill set. I am extremely loyal and have stood by this man for many years. If we had a history of kindness and love, I think I would feel different about supporting him during this illness; but the time has come where I can no longer be on the other end of his abuse nor am I able to help him. He frightens me. I walk on eggshells all the time. I am finally at the point of trying to make a plan for us to split. Whether that means assisted living for him or just moving him into his own little apartment, that is the way we are headed. Sometimes, although the decision is difficult, it is a matter of survival. Thank you for all of your stories. And for the chance to tell mine. My best to you all.

I ALSO LOOK AFTER a very sick husband sufferung from Chrohns having abcess surgury and having a stoma fitted because of bowel disease I find it hard to cope at times cos I get dressed not being able to do the things we used to now having to face selling the house for something smaller to get some money we have no income how do others manage financially to release this dark cloud

This story and some of the comments have helped me so much! I am 37 years old, have two children (11 and 7) and my husband was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that is affecting many aspects of his daily living. I have gone through weeks of denial and disbelief. Now, I find that I am so sad and so angry with him all of the time. He is no longer working, we have depleted our savings and now solely living on my income. Thankfully I have a good income and we can survive on this, but no room to do anything extra or save. I miss the life we had and I keeping wishing that life would just go back to "normal". As weeks go on, I am beginning to accept that it just may not. He is such a wonderful, loving man, but I am so sad and I am having a hard time dealing with the situation. I work full-time, often time long hours, take care of the house and the kids. My job is very demanding and I feel that I am torn between working and taking care of my family. I have worked so many years on climbing the corporate ladder that I have no one talk with. I have family, but they cannot relate or understand. His family is not very supportive. I love him so much and I hate being angry, but I just cannot seem to get passed it. I know that it is not his fault and he feels horrible. For those of you that are dealing with the same sort of thing, how do you get passed the anger and bitterness and move on?