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My boyfriend and I dont have sex anymore

By July 8, 2010 - 6:17am
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I have been with boyf for 3 years and we had great sex in the beginning. I always initiated it and two years ago I decided I wanted him to start initiating it. He didnt want to and we discussed it, he said he didnt know why he didnt want to. Now on average we have sex once a month and that is because I have iniated it. He says he enjoys it and its great and why dont we do it more often??? My problem is that I dont feel desired, wanted or needed. I dont get presents or thoughtful things from him, I dont feel particularly special and if we at least had sex it would make me feel a bit more womanly. Another problem is that now Im beginning to lose interest in sex and i dont really want it anymore. We are due to get married in 11 months and Im having feelings that marriage is not right for me, as I am not 100% happy with the relationship. Everything else is perfect, we are best friends, we laugh all the time and can talk about everything. Its just the sex. Any ideas would be appreciated.

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Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it. Since I posted my original post I have initiated sex with him 3 times and he has been more than happy to do it. I just went along with a friend's advice of "powering through" and seeing if regular sex would stimulate something in him. Now I just think that he is lazy and isnt into pleasing me and I dont know where that leaves me again. He isnt very good at foreplay and maybe he has picked up that I havent enjoyed it and that has knocked his confidence in making a move. I have told him what I like and how to do it and have had "lessons" where he learns what to do..... But to no avail. banging head against brick wall over here lol.

July 11, 2010 - 1:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

Listen well to the advice above. She's right on! Get to therapy and discover the potential for working serious issues like this one out with this man. If he refuses to go to therapy or you discover that the potential for productive talk is weak, don't proceed with the marriage!!! It's those little nudges you get that you DON'T heed because of fear or insecurity or some hope that it will somehow work itself out that can lead you to a very unhappy place. At the tender age of 20, I had a ring on my finger after 4 years of dating the same guy, a real sweetheart, but not into sex with me after the first 2 years of our relationship. IT NEVER CHANGED, EVEN WITH THERAPY. I'm now 30 plus years into a marriage with a sweet guy with whom I rarely have sexual contact (like 5 times a year, at my initiation). We're great pals, but that's the extent of it. I try to save every deserving young woman from this fate. You're only half alive and half married without passion or physical contact. Save yourself!

July 10, 2010 - 7:33pm

Hi plgred,
What a tough thing, right? Do you marry or not marry? As someone who has been divorced in the past, I can honestly tell you that the doubts you are having are there for a reason. My own experience showed me some things that weren't right, and I ignored it thinking that it was immaturity and we would change for the better after being married, or that being married would help us be more bonded to work things out. In my experience it's not true. In my opinion, if you're having doubts, it may be time to think about taking a real step back and seeing what else is out there. Talk with your fiance, he may be having similar doubts. Marriage is tough even without an issue like sex compatibility going into it. If he really is your best friend, he wants you to be happy just like you want him to. I know you two will work it out. Please be confident to know you will be OK no matter what happens. Please come back and let us know how you're doing. You deserve that 100% relationship, don't settle.

July 8, 2010 - 8:46am
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