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By Anonymous February 25, 2010 - 7:02pm
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well its been over a year now...last january was the last time. And when I say sex I mean everything not just intercourse. I didnt wait long to talk to him about it. It was about a couple of weeks of nothing before i confronted him. He told me it was his weight that he felt uncomfortable about. He has been overweight the whole time we have been together (3 years) but I have NEVER made him feel uncomfortable about it. I understand why he would not be happy in himself, and I cook balanced meals only to help him but I have never even thought, let alone said, that I would like him to lose weight for me. The reason why he is overweight is because he never exercises and he likes to drink. Not often, but when he does he drinks dark rum and full sugar cola and a lot of it. Ive tried telling him that if he really wants to lose weight he really should cut out drinking for a while. But of course its a vicious circle. Hes down about his weight so he drinks but he drinks because hes down about his weight. Now like I said I have talked to him about it and I have done every couple of weeks since it started happening and its just stayed the same. I know its not his libido because I have seen porn on our computer recently watched. I also know its not that hes gone off me. Im happy with the way I look and I know he is too. I know that he cant feel that he's not good enough for me because like I said he has been overweight the entire time we've been together and the two out of three years has been fine. I know he's not cheating on me. Two reasons. I know him better than he knows himself sometimes and not only has he not got it in him to do that but I can tell he has no confidence that anyone would find him attractive. Something that I still try to make him feel all the time. This post is to find out what I might do, not to find out why he might be doing it. I really have tried everything I can think of and Im getting so upset about it now. I dont think I need to write how neglected I feel. Im sure you can imagine/understand. Me initiating any sexual act is out of the question now as Ive tried that before, got told he didnt want to and now I really need him to show me he wants to for himself not just to make me feel better. I would just feel like hes doing me a "favour". Keep in mind everything Im saying here Ive said to his face. Sorry for the long post but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP! :(

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You're in a tough situation. You are clearly very loving and smart, and you've given this a lot of thought.

Question No. 1: Do you believe your boyfriend has an alcohol problem? You mention that he drinks when he is down, but is that every day? Many depressed people self-medicate with alcohol or drugs simply because it numbs the emotional pain. And alcohol, of course, numbs the libido (as does depression).

Question No. 2: What started the cycle? If things were fine for a couple of years, do you know what changed for him?

Question No. 3: Though he has been overweight for a while, has he been putting on even MORE weight recently? If so, it's quite possible that his clothes aren't fitting -- again -- and he's feeling extra uncomfortable -- again -- and he's tired of the whole thing, again. Most overweight people know what it will take to lose weight: cutting calories and exercising. But when a person has a lot of weight to lose, the effort involved can seem like a mountain that's impossible to climb.

Question No. 4: Does HE want to lose weight?

Anon, I think if I were you, I would ask him to go to counseling with me (about the sexual issue, not about the weight, though it may come up). The two of you are talking about this every couple of weeks with no result; you aren't happy; he is depressed, and if something doesn't happen to shift the momentum soon, the whole relationship could suffer even more. A counselor's office is a safe place to bring up issues like this and talk about them with a trained person there who can help with the communication. Do you think your boyfriend would consider this?

Because outside of that, and the motivational suggestions that Miscortes made, I'm not sure there's much YOU can do. People don't stop drinking until they want to. They don't lose weight until they want to. And they usually can't fix a depression on their own. Your love and support mean the world to your boyfriend, but the rest is really up to him.

Does this help at all?

March 1, 2010 - 10:58am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question and I am sure we all feel your pain, as a year is a long time. It would appear to me from your post that there is clearly an issue with his self esteem and how HE is feeling is making this a complicated situation. He may be depressed about how he looks and feels that is causing him to withdrawal from you and have less esteem to get up and do something about it, such as exercise.

Of course when people are depressed, the brain functions differently. You have been very patient and understanding and it is certainly a good thing that you have spoken to him about all these issues. I know that you are taking the initiative to cook properly but have you tried to push some motivation? Ask him to go for a walk with you. Anything to maybe get him motivated to exercise without actually saying exercise? I mean without him even knowing, you will be creating endorphins in his body from the exercise that helps with with sexual part....

On the other hand, if he is depressed, you may want to try and get him to go to some sort of counseling also.

I hope this helps give you some ideas. Could you please keep us updated?

February 27, 2010 - 10:10am
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