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My mariage is about to over due to sex fear!

By Anonymous March 17, 2011 - 7:48am
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Hello, Im Rajaa. Ive been married three months ago to a non virgin man. Im a virgin. Ive been trying to have intercourse with my husband but the fear has dominated my mind till the point that I refuse even to get touched! We discussed this issue several times, my husband showed understanding, love and patience. I even went to the gynaecologist who confirmed that I have a tight vagina which is why i feel pain once the penis touches the outside part of the vagina, but I failed all these months to get over the first intercourse. Im sharing my story cause my husband ( hopelessly) asked me to spend some time apart so i may solve this psychological fear by myself as he feels a failure not to help me..we have a great love, a wonderful marriage, but this issue is so important that it keeps destroying our marriage :(

I want to say that my only issue is the fear of pain, i haven’t been assaulted in my childhood, nor have I been abused.. Im just a coward to take this pain to save my marriage..I even thought going to the gynecologyst for a surgery to help widening the opening of the vagina, but my husband sees the problem as far more than just intercourse: psychological fear which impacts on other aspects of my life.. I honestly cant see where this fear has other impacts other than sex but my husband says that I got stuck in the fear..
That's the overall story, i feel helpless really
Thank you for reading my story..Rajaa

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Last piece of helpful information is from the Mayo Clinic on dyspareunia:

"Researchers estimate that up to 1 in 5 women experience episodes of genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. But the location of pain and frequency of pain varies greatly. If you experience painful intercourse, you may feel:

* Pain with every penetration, even while putting in a tampon
* Pain with certain partners or just under certain circumstances
* New pain after previously pain-free intercourse
* Superficial (entry) pain
* Deep pain during thrusting, which is often described as "something being bumped"
* Burning pain or aching pain

Most women with dyspareunia complain of superficial pain, which occurs upon penetration."

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044/DSECTION=symptoms

I think it is important to distinguish between pain that you are feeling physically, either "superficially" (at the vaginal opening) or inside your vagina during penetration (of finger, tampon, speculum, penis). Also distinguish if the pain you experience is more the FEAR or ANTICIPATION of pain, in which you can go through very specific steps to overcome this emotional fear by talking with a sex therapist.

Here are some other helpful options at Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs.

Please let us know what option(s) you decide to try, and we can help find you local resources in your area.

March 17, 2011 - 11:02am

After re-reading your question, I wanted to add a few other thoughts (in addition to the other information provided in the links above):

Pain during first intercourse should not be intense enough that you have to brace yourself and not be able to have sex. First intercourse may be uncomfortable, but if the pain is intolerable, there is something else wrong. Here are a few reasons for pain with intercourse (that is unbearable):
a). Medical condition. You said you have been checked by a gynecologist, but I am questioning if you should have a second opinion. A gynecologist who suggests surgery, without providing you with more information, is suspect to me. If you have a vagina that does not naturally open, you would also have trouble with child-bearing and other issues. If you received a diagnosis of a medical condition, then I could see your Gyn recommending surgery. If you do not have a medical condition, I would question any Gyn who would suggest surgery. Is the Gyn able to insert a speculum into your vagina?
b). Foreplay is important. You said your husband is loving, but is he gentle with your body, is he patient with foreplay? Do you become self-lubricated (vaginally), as if you are not self-lubricating, it would not matter how big or small your vaginal opening is...intercourse would hurt.
c) If your Gyn can insert a speculum into your vagina without pain, if you trust your Gyn and have no medical conditions, and if you are appropriately "wet" (self-lubricated) in your vagina, and if your husband takes his time with foreplay, is gentle with your body and you are highly sexually aroused but still find sex painful, then you have a few choices you can make:

First choice: are you finding the actual act of penetration painful? if so, has your husband inserted a finger successfully (without pain)? If yes, you can both read some books on "how to" have sex pleasurably.

Second choice: if you are experiencing just the FEAR of pain (and not sure if you even have pain with intercourse, because you have not gone this far), I would highly recommend talking with a Counselor who specializes in sexual counseling. If you need to overcome fear of pain, a psychologist is the best person who can help you through this, once all the other options above have been explored.

What are your thoughts on all of this information?

March 17, 2011 - 10:54am

I have found many topics related to dyspareunia, the medical term for pain during, before or after sex. Included below are the many links to EmpowHER articles, expert videos and women discussing their personal experiences regarding fear with first intercourse and painful intercourse:
- How to remove fear of pain from first intercourse
- Expert article: Pain with Sex, Matthew Karlovsky M.D.
- What is sexual pain? Expert VIDEO

Can you review these articles, and let us know what applies and does not apply to you? There is so much information, and we can begin to help tailor specific suggestions or options for you to consider, after you review the information already provided above.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon, and I'll do some research for you in the meantime.

March 17, 2011 - 10:18am

I have a few follow-up questions for you, that I need clarifying:
1. Did you actually have the surgery for your vagina? Did your Gynecologist mention other techniques that you can try before surgery?
2. What did your Gynecologist suggest or recommend to help you?
3. Have you ever talked with a counselor, or gone to marriage counseling with your husband? Is this something he would consider?

March 17, 2011 - 8:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Thank you Alison!
1. No, i didnt have this surgery. The gynecologist just mention it as an option in case I fail to have intercourse.
2.The gynecologist only suggested this surgery, she said many women have this issue of fear of first intercourse.
3. No, we havent been. we discussed sex before marriage. I showed some worries as ive never experienced it and my husband showed total understanding and he still!

March 17, 2011 - 8:51am
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