My boyfriend and I met online, a little over a year ago. He's 37, and I'm 31. When we first began talking, he was adamant that sex and physical closeness were very important to him. When we met for the first time, he seemed very turned on by me and our time together was very satisfying.
We live together now, but almost since moment one of this arrangement, things have been off. He barely touched me for the first few weeks after moving in, and after I brought it up with him, he expressed that he just wasn't a very affectionate person in that way, and that it was a conscious effort for him to allow someone into his personal space in that way. He was physically abused as a child and teenager, and reacts to being touched when he's asleep like a war veteran with PTSD, so I believe this. He's also made a very significant effort to work on it, and the physical affection (hugging, kissing) has increased a lot.
Sex, however, is non-existent. At the outset, I initiated it because I had no reason to expect he didn't want it, but he consistently seemed uninterested. When I brought it up with him, he told me the new job he had started made him angry, depressed, and exhausted. I could understand, since he'd been going to school while working short evening shifts for years and was now getting up at 6am. He's also an introvert, and was forced into a customer service / accounting position, which he loathed. He said he simply had no energy. He also said he needed time, and was glad we were developing a relationship not based on sex. He didn't cite it as a reason, but he has an issue with PE and I know it makes him self-conscious. He made an effort at first, and we'd go to bed early, but it wasn't difficult for me to tell he wasn't into it, and after a while, I stopped suggesting it.
I know that I have brought it up with him too often, because he was receptive and willing to talk about it at first, but now he rolls his eyes and says things like: "Do we HAVE to go into this again?" The last time we talked, I told him that I didn't feel like the reasons he gave me for this lack of sex were the whole truth, and he finally admitted to me that if I wanted things to improve in that department, I should continue going to the gym. He said he needed to "be able to pick (me) up and move me where he wanted me." I asked him why he hadn't told me this six months ago, and he said he'd tried, but I was too emotional and he was afraid of hurting my feelings.
It is true that I am a big girl. I am 5'8 and I currently weigh 220lbs, and I am not confident at all in my appearance. I've been scorned for it in the past by other men and it's hurt a lot, and I know my man sees that in the way I shy away from initiating sex (and I'm pretty sure he prefers to be the submissive one). I've been working very hard on this since I began this relationship, because I understand self-confidence is beautiful and I want to have the whole package with this man. I currently eat well, go to the gym 5 days a week, and I've lost 25 pounds since we started dating. He compliments my efforts, and is very encouraging in a totally positive way. It still hurts, however, to feel like my man isn't attracted to me in that way, and I can't help but worry that he'll leave me for a 'better model,' even though the one time I suggested that, he said it wouldn't happen. I mean, he chose me, knowing I looked the way I do, because he cares about the person I am inside.
Every other aspect of our relationship is great. I know he isn't cheating on me (and I believe wholeheartedly he never would). I don't trust people easily, but I trust him. He's nine of ten things I ever wanted in a man, but I want 'the whole package,' for us as a couple. I am struggling with the feeling that it's all on ME, though he admits his part in it. I also worry that the damage to my self-confidence in the bedroom (and as a woman) will be hard to repair.
How does a girl get her groove back after (and while) dealing with something like this in a relationship? I am not going to end it, because I recognize the aspects of myself that contribute to the issue, and he's told me it's something we'll work on together. How much will losing this weight really help? How long do I need to wait before I bring it up with him again, or should I just let the self-confidence I gain do my talking for me?
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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