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Orgasm frustration... kind of.

By Anonymous January 27, 2009 - 1:37pm
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I'm 21 years old, and sexually active since I'm 15. I had reached lots of orgasms in a very particular way: spreading my legs in the shower, making water to stimulate my clit.
It's the only way I can reach them. I tried to stimulate myself with my hands a million times, and I still can't have an orgasm. I tried everything. I have a lot of sex drive, and had sex with different men, but I never orgasm with them. I don't take any medication, have a healthy lubrication, and everythings seems just fine!

I've been dating my bf for two years now. I really enjoy having sex, but I just can't get to the end. He has a lot of patience, we tried everything we could, but I can't have an orgasmn with oral sex either! I reach a point where everything comes down and I start to feel too sensitive.
It's very weird for me, and I really don't get why I only can orgasm with water. It's also very frustrating, because I never had an orgasm with anybody!

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EmpowHER Guest

It sounds like you have a case of Female Orgasmic Disorder. Read this for more information: http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/Female-orgasmic-disorder.html

March 18, 2011 - 6:50pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am the EXACT same way!! Everything you said explains me perfectly. It is a dissapointment sometimes thinking about how I cant orgasm with my boyfriend. And sometimes I feel like it dissapoints him. But ill try all the advice people left on here

October 16, 2009 - 12:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

Sex is at least 90% mental. It is most likely a psychological reason you can only orgasm in that way. It could possibly be a control issue and an intimacy issue.( Not a physical intimacy, mentally and spiritually).A counselor of some type that you can trust could be of service. Just don't expect miracles in a short period of time.

It can sometimes help to concentrate on very dirty fantasy's while being stimulated. Start by yourself using anything except the shower and see if anything develops.

Best of luck!
Older and wiser

January 29, 2009 - 10:30am


First things first. Take a breath and realize you have many orgasmic years ahead of you.

Next, learn and explore your body. As much as your boyfriend wants to please you, the best chance of this is if you tell or show him what you like. However, since you don't know, it might be time for alone experimentation.

It is highly unlikely you have a sexual dysfunction preventing orgasm since you are able to accomplish this with water stimulation.

Also, you mentioned you are often not able to orgasm because you get too sensitive. A good way around this might be switching up direct clitoral stimulation and penetration with fingering, etc.

Additionally, you might want to ask your boyfriend to join you in the shower and try some new things there, since that's what works so far.

Good luck and orgasm away . . .

January 27, 2009 - 2:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Shannon Koehle)

Yes, I feel I have to experience a lot with myself and then make my partner do what I like in the way that I like. It will be hard work, but I have the power of will!

And I'll try the shower thing. Sounds great to me.

Thanks a lot!

January 27, 2009 - 2:31pm

There could be so many factors, so let me start with a few thoughts:

1. Assuming you are in a healthy, mutually-respectful and loving relationship, there are a number of things you can do. First, I would suggest thinking about how you make love--do you do everything the same? Changing up your routine and figuring out what "feeling intimate" with your bf is truly like can help break down any mental-barriers you may have (as you know, sex, sexuality, intimacy, orgasms, etc have deeply rooted mental aspects to them, much more than just the purely physical aspects)... This can mean better communication between both of you, both in and outside the bedroom.

2. Many women do not have orgasms with intercourse, or even with oral sex. The vagina just does not have as many nerve endings as the clitoris, and the clitoris is not often touched during intercourse. Oral sex can be more of a mental challenge/barrier for many women. Be patient with yourself, too! I honestly do not see the problem with having an orgasm before or after intercourse...have you asked yourself why you feel you need to have an orgasm during intercourse with your bf? What about taking a shower together before or after?

3. Start with what you know. If you are able to orgasm by yourself, in a particular way, can you show your partner the trick? Have you talked with your partner about how you can orgasm and have you shown your partner how to stimulate you in this way? You can try different types of pressure, different areas, and fun with it.

4. Next, experiment. You may want to use different sensations with your partner, including lubricants or toys. A great resource for sexuality online (it's research-based, credible, and not-shy with information!) is from The Kinsey Institute.

Lastly, my favorite sexual health resource for men and women in their 20's is Columbia University's Go Ask Alice website

January 27, 2009 - 2:07pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

1. Oh we are having great comunication lately. We are trying to experiment new things and we have so much confidence with each other. But I think also, we could do a lot better, so it's the first thing I'll try to do.

2. We had showers and baths, and I feel a lot more aroused when I'm on water. I don't see a problem either... I used to because I felt really bad about myself, like a failure. Then I realized that it's very common among woman, so I don't worry about it much. I think I just would like to know what it feels to have an orgasm with someone, and feel what he feels.

3. I talked to him about it but I find very hard to imitate the feeling with my hands, or even tongue. I should excersise more thou! I'll start tomorrow! haha.

4. Thank you so much! I'll check it out.

And thanks again, your answers encourage me!

January 27, 2009 - 2:28pm

How often do you use water? Maybe you can treat this like a bit of an addiction, like when a man cannot get an erection without pornography. If you disallow yourself to orgasm using water for the moment then you may be able to retrain yourself with your boyfriend?
Maybe if you remove the only known source of complete pleasure, then it will be easier to become orgasmic with a man?
Just a thought. I have known men who have gotten rid of their pornography when too reliant upon it for arousal and they then can preform better with real women.
Also, trying too hard can be frustrating and put too much pressure on you so then you can't orgasm.
Maybe you should try loving touching with your guy and not focus on orgasm so much and see what happens?
You are young. I never even had an orgasm 'till I was about 26 so don't be so hard on yourself....relax a bit. The good thing is, you know that you are able to orgasm so I think that it's a matter of retraining a bit...LOL

January 27, 2009 - 1:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to rlyons)

First, thank you for the quick reply!
And I've never thought of it as an addiction but it is very interesting.
I had periods of time without using the shower at all, even for months.
I noticed I use to masturbate more when in a relationship than when I'm alone, so maybe it's an addiction after all, as it's the only way to seek direct pleasure that I have.
I used to be very VERY hard on me before, but I don't care anymore. I really enjoy sex with my boyfriend, so orgasms are not a problem, it's more a curiosity.
Thanks a lot again! You gave me hope haha!

January 27, 2009 - 2:21pm
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