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Relationship and Sex: Why doesn't he want to have sex with me?

By November 9, 2010 - 2:59pm
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Okay, me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years. For the first year and a half we never had sex. We had intense foreplay and that's all, but we did this at least 2-3 times a week. A few months ago we had sex for the first time. We did it like 3 times that day and every since then we have stopped (because of him) and we only do it once or twice a month. I ask him about it and he says it's great and it's not me, however I can't help but think it is. He says he doesn't want to have a lot of sex because he doesn't want to get sick of me and relationships aren't only about having sex all the time. He wants to do it only once in a while. He loves me, I know that. I'm not saying that I NEED to have sex with him all the time, I just thought men liked sex. I feel like something is wrong. Is it me? Or is this just how relationships are?

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My boyfriend never had a serious and open relationship before me. It was all one night stands or girlfriends only for sex. So, his entire past is filled with girls that he had sex with and got sick of. What I don't understand though is if I keep things in the bedroom fresh and exciting won't he not get sick of it/me? I'm just hoping he hasn't already gotten sick of it. I keep reading comments about "if he's not getting it at home he's getting it somewhere else." Could that be a possibility?

November 9, 2010 - 6:42pm
(reply to missmorales)

Relationships are risks...anything truly is possible. You have just got to follow your heart, and be thoughtful and true to yourself first. There are going to be men, and women, who do not have your best intentions at heart. There are people who lie, steal, cheat. I believe MOST people are good, and that by respecting yourself, having high self-esteem, being kind, smart, thoughtful and trustworthy...you will attract others with those same qualities. Sure...we may find "the wrong" guy, who does find sex elsewhere. But, if you have all of those aforementioned qualities, your entire being won't be wrapped up in this "wrong" person and you can move onto a person who is kind. Many, if not most, men do not cheat. Most men do want happy, fulfilling, mutually monogamous relationships. These men have other shared qualities, that include communicating openly and honestly....that's the biggest need and foundation. What keeps men in relationships is not just some new sexy lingerie or new sex position, but a person who is confident, sexy, smart, witty, communicative and interesting. She has her own opinions, can admit when she's wrong, can stand up for what's right....I could go on and on like I'm writing a graduation speech! :) But seriously...do you see where I'm going with this? Being in a relationship is not about worrying abut the "if's", it's enjoying what you have, knowing that you are making healthy decisions for yourself and having fun and growing in all aspects. You hope the guy follows suit and grows with you, as you want HIM to be exciting in bed, you want HIM to be interesting, funny, sexy, silly, smart, intelligent...

In other words: if all you bring to the relationship is worrying about if he will get sick of you...he will. That person is not fun or interesting to be around, because they are always walking on egg shells, trying to please someone else.

Good luck!

November 9, 2010 - 8:49pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Wow! That was entirely inspiring :) Thank you SO much! That helped me very much!

November 9, 2010 - 9:31pm

No, there is nothing wrong with you. I have found the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" helpful for women who wonder what they should do to change/fix the relationship. It is written in a humorous style, but is perfectly serious information. Women are constantly trying to change themselves to make their guy like them or want to have sex with them, and it's ridiculous, honestly! If the relationship does not work with you being YOU, then it is not the right relationship.

There are all kinds of relationships. Some couples have sex once per week, other more or less. What makes for a happy, healthy and successful relationship is that the quality and quantity of sex be satisfactory to both individuals, most of the time (there will be "off" weeks, of course). The other ingredient is that both people can communicate about their feelings, needs, wants and desires, and find a compromise that suits both people. No excuses, guilt, threats, victim-playing...just real honest discussion and thoughtful solutions.

If you want to have sex once/week, and he only wants sex once every-other-week, then how can you two communicate and compromise? Is he interested in meeting your needs, and are you interested in meeting his? Are there other things you two can do to fulfill your need for physical intimacy?

His reasoning for not wanting to get sick of you is very strange, but he is right that people in relationships don't need to have sex "all the time"...there are other fun things to do to build intimacy (emotionally, mentally, physically, etc). If you enjoy him most of the time, he fulfills your emotional needs (you aren't "needing" to have sex with him to prove that he loves you, for instance), then you can talk with him about some other ideas you have to be physically intimate.

Does he have a history of getting "sick" of women if he has sex too much with them? That is probably what you are most concerned with, right?

You can read the responses to this same question here: https://www.empowher.com/community/ask/why-doesnt-my-boyfriend-want-have-sex-me-anymore

November 9, 2010 - 3:09pm
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