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What's happening to me?Am I bad?

By July 1, 2010 - 12:16am
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I am 23, I have been with my partner for two and a half years and I adore him and love him so much, never cared about any other men.
Throughout our relationship it has always been stormy and we've nearly broke up quite a few times and had big fights, but at the end of it all, we do really love each other,
He is away from his country,his friends,family and job to be with me, he cant find a job no matter how hard he tries, he is depressed, he doesn't like to go out in this place, so I often stay in with him.

I oftne get home from work and he is sat on the computer in his boxers and hasn't washed or shaved.
I work full time and my friends at work are often inviting me out but I never go.
I love him so much but lately I seem to be getting attracted to so many men!!
Like my dentist is young, funny and very sweet, when he speaks to me I get butterflies, and the other day, I bumped into him in the same building i live in..he lives where i live!
and you could see a kind of spark between us, he kept looking at me and then he asked how i was, he is so gentle and nice.
he really made me smile
and yesterday my boyfriend didnt feel like going to the gym so I went alone and the guys who usually train there they were all speaking to me..which they never do cos im with him
and one of them ive always thought was cute (hes kind of a hip hop bad boy) i saw him in the supermarket afterwards and he smiled at me,and I smiled back and felt very attracted.
AND....(I am going to sound terrible)
I keep bumping into the guy next door who is cute and smiles at me alot,
and last night I bumped into him and he had his top off revealing an amazing body!
I feel so bad, I would never cheat and never have and I do love him...so whats wrong with me>
why am I being so attracted to other men who cross my path?Do you think it's to do with the fact that my boyfriend has changed alot since the beginning and he just isnt the same outgoing happy presentable man anymore?
I need to know what to do :(

Add a Comment3 Comments

Hi LEannek87,
Thanks so much for your post! And thanks for being a part of the Empowher Community. I agree with Alison and want to tell you this:
You sound very mature in that you recognize what's going on and are willing to take the tough road of doing things the right way. Kudos to you for that! It is a hard thing to admit that your current relationship isn't what you expected, and even harder to stick it out for the time being. I hope that your current experience has opened your eyes to the fact that even if things don't work out for the long haul with your current boyfriend that you will be ok. You will even flourish! You are being a good girlfriend to him in being honest and communicating with him about what you are feeling.
One suggestion...try and get your boyfriend to do something other than the video games or the computer. It sounds like he's in a bit of a rut being at home, and getting some new hobbies may help him to open up his world and gain some perspective. If he doesn't want to, don't feel bad about going out without him. You don't need to babysit just because he's in a rut--help him, but don't enable. Keep on keeping on for now if you're comfortable with it, but help him get counseling, and set a date in your head that if he doesn't seem to be making progress, and you are still not happy with the relationship, you may want to make the move to end it and work toward building a life without him. And stick to it--life's too short to waste precious time with the wrong guy, especially when you know there are other potential guys out there you would like to check out things with. Good luck and keep us up to date on how it's going. You are not alone...ever.

July 2, 2010 - 9:17am

thankyou for the reply,
last night i cried and told him i was being attracted to other men and to my surprise he didnt get mad he understood and he knows i would never cheat
we have agreed that i need to be there for him even just to talk to, as he says he often feels lonely as when I get back I go on the computer and he plays on the playstation and its not that we arent interested in each other but we obviously get engrossed in our own activities, so I realise we both need to do things more together and talk more , so tonight I am going to play on the playstation with him (even though I get bored easily lol)
and we are going to have chinese and i am going to try and cheer him up a bit.
I hope it works.
Thankyou for the comment

July 2, 2010 - 5:41am

Yes...I do think that you are attracted to other men because your boyfriend has changed, you are young, and are meeting men who are exciting, attractive, happy and outgoing. That is perfectly normal, and does not make you "bad" in any way!

It is wonderful that you would never cheat. It is important, however, to know that it is OK if you admit that your current relationship is not exactly what you had in mind for a healthy and happy relationship. You can be clear about your needs and wants in a relationship, and not "act" on any impulses with another man; if you feel you would like to date other men, it is important to talk with your current boyfriend first! I know that would be difficult, but couples break-up all the time (as you've said you both have), and they also decide to NOT be exclusive any longer and date other people. These are all normal, healthy responses.

You do not need to "fix" your boyfriend, and are not responsible for his happiness. I know you feel a big burden in doing so, but it is important to take care of yourself, your needs, and your future. Your boyfriend sounds depressed: no friends, no family, not wanting to leave the house, not getting dressed and not showering. It is important that he seek counseling for his sadness/depression, as he can not solely depend on you for 100% support. You can be a good friend and help him find resources, so that he can be an equal part in the relationship. You two do not have kids together, are not married.. you can guide him to get help, but do not need to be his sole support and life-line to the rest of the world. Take care of yourself first, as women are very often the caretakers of others.

It does sound exciting that there are some other men...that is a fun time in your life! I hope you don't spend time with someone who is not providing you with love, support, adventure and happiness...when there are many other men out there who can. You can help your current boyfriend find help, like I said, but don't lose yourself in the process.

Good luck!

July 1, 2010 - 12:45pm
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