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Why am i so worried and jealous??

By February 18, 2010 - 6:36am
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I have been with my boyfriend for two years,its my first proper relationship im 22
He loves me loads and has never cheated on me (ive checked up on him loads)
and i adore him, but im constantly worried that he will fall in love with another girl.
He has left his country,his family his job behind and hates living here as he finds it hard to get a job, but he only stays because he couldn't bear to leave me, however, when we go places and i see a beautiful girl nearby, i just know he's going to look and he does, even if he does it a bit discreetly i can still tell.

I hate it when he looks at other girls and when he talks to them and is all friendly with them i panic incase he fancies them or they fancy him.How can I stop being so paranoid?I love him so much.But I get jealous when he gives attention to other women. :( in my ideal world he would just have male friends.whats wrong with me?

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Hi Kandles,
Please go back and read Diane Porter's comment (above) from Feb, 22, 2010. I think she put it well. Thanks for your comment.

September 30, 2010 - 12:15pm

Hi, I have the same problem at times. I know my boyfriend loves me to no end and would NEVER do anything to hurt me. BUT WHY DOES HE LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS / WOMEN?! He says he loves girls and he loves looking at them and it's his favorite thing to do. I don't understand it. The man can watch porn and not get turned on, but he simply loves watching it just to see the women in it.

I just feel that it's extremely disrespectful! I don't know =\

September 30, 2010 - 12:03pm


Do you ever notice a cute boy? Do you ever find yourself looking at another man and thinking, "What a nice-looking guy!" If a man smiled at you on the bus or at work, wouldn't you smile back?

There's nothing wrong with any of that. And none of it means someone is going to be unfaithful. It means they appreciate a nice-looking person!

But your boyfriend chose YOU, for reasons that mean a lot to him. But you are becoming so needy that it's going to push him away if you don't calm down and get back to being YOU. There isn't anything about being needy that is attractive or fun to be with.

Here's what you must do: You must realize that if you did break up, you would survive. You would be heartbroken, but you would survive. And you must learn to get over this fear and jealousy, because it will only hurt your relationship. It doesn't sound like you are having much fun, considering all the worry and fear and checking-up on him that you have going on.

You can control your thoughts, it just takes practice. When you feel yourself starting to think a jealous thought, stop yourself, take a breath, and move on. You COULD live without him. You don't want to, but you COULD. Your lungs would still breathe. Your heart would still beat. Your arms and legs would still work. You wouldn't be happy for a while, but even that would return in time.

And when you catch yourself in negative thought, change the thought. Say to yourself, "He's with me because he wants to be with me." Because that's the truth.

February 22, 2010 - 10:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

you put this into words really good. i sometimes find myself jealous when he is hanging around his friends who are single and worry if he is initiating in acting like he is single too while he is away with them. but also i get jealous when i hear stories of girls giving HIM attention.. not him to them.... and i have to step back and remember i get looked at and smiled at all the time too.. tho he notices more then i do because i'm too much into him to notice others around me. with or without him. i dont lust or give any man any attention back i even return evil looks.... i guess i expect him to react the same but i know he is not me and its irritating but i know by looking past this im preventing a argument over nothing importnat. tho it does bother me.

September 1, 2017 - 5:42am

No my parents are not together anymore, they split up when I was about 16.
I think I am afraid of being left alone and now that i've opened my heart and loved, im afraid of losing him to someone else and having my heart broken.I dont really have great self esteem, I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world but I'm not hideous either, he thinks im beautiful, but i still get annoyed when I see him looking at other girls as I hate that hes paying attention to someone other than me.
I know it's important that I trust and know he loves me.I do, but I still constantly can't get rid of the fears and paranoia I have.As soon as he talks to or about another girl, alarm bells start ringing,its really stupid and pathetic I know but I am being honest.I do think about it alot.I even hate the thought of him being with girls in the past, even though it's the past...how stupid is that? I don't know, just the thought of him looking at a girl like that or being with another girl makes me feel sick.If we ever have our moments where we might split up all i think about is 'now hes free ti go with another woman' and i think about it and it drives me crazy.I dont know why I think like this..am I maybe bordering on obsessed with him rather than just love?
I adore him..i know i couldn't live without him but I think I'm becoming obsessed. I dont know why I am like this. I used to be single and happy and independant and fine but with him its like ive become completely dependant on him, like i am so scared of losing him i hold on tightly.

February 20, 2010 - 5:35pm


This is your first real relationship so I am assuming you have never experienced being cheated on in YOUR relationships but what about those around you? Are your parents still together or was there any infidelity involved?

Many times when those we love have been hurt we turn their experience into our own and we fear that we will someday be hurt like they have. If this is not the case with you-- what are you afraid of? Being left alone? change? If so, I think this requires a deeper level of help than what I can offer you online. What is important is that you have recognized that you are jealous-- which is HUGE. Many people go their lives living in denial about their jealous acts and in order to help yourself, you've taken an important first step.

Has there been anything that your boyfriend has said or done (besides being friendly) that has triggered you to "check up on him"? I know men look at pretty women, it is almost something they can't help-- heck, if I noticed a beautiful woman I am sure my husband has noticed her as well. It is entirely normal and the same can go for women-- you will notice a strikingly handsome man but you don't think about leaving your boyfriend for him, do you? It's just eye candy and nothing more. I am sure your boyfriend can think of many reasons why he is with you and not a single guy on the hunt for pretty girls.

It is easier said than done, but in a relationship it is important to trust. I say this because just as it is frustrating to you to be a jealous person it becomes a burden on your partner. The constant feeling of being with someone who is always taking notes at every glance, step, or word that comes out of your mouth is a very incarcerating and suffocating feeling for someone. Don't let a perfectly good relationship spoil over an insecurity that may be stemmed from nothing.

If you feel like you cannot seem to control the urge to check his phone, email, etc. perhaps seeking professional help would be the best thing both for you and your boyfriend to save your relationship.

February 19, 2010 - 7:22am
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