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Why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me?

By Anonymous December 27, 2010 - 10:24pm
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I'm sure this question has been asked many times but I think my situation might be a little different. My husband goes to work for several weeks at a time, always seems happy to come home and often showers me with gifts. In fact, I am careful and respectful of expressing a desire for many thing because I know he will buy or attain them for me. Of course, having said all that, there is (obviously) one thing that he will not give me is - sex.

It feels like we've had every discussion and argument under the sun about it. Over the last almost 20 years I've heard "I'm sorry I'll seek help" (he never does), "it's you - you want sex too often"(I had asked if we could once every 2 weeks), "yes, I agree we need to more often" (but we never do), "I wanted to but you didn't seem interested" (the operative word is "seem" because I was never asked), "other people lie about how much sex they're having" etc. I could go on but I think these quotes probably make the point.

I realize that many people reading this might assume that he's having an affair when he's away at work but he works in a field and setting that does not allow for that opportunity (no, he's not in the military!). He works a pattern of being away for 4 or 6 weeks and then home for an equal amount of time. In the time he's at home we might have sex once or twice or not at all (I think the most ever was 4 times but that was many years ago).

I read a comment on this web site that there can be a kind of bereavement with this sort of scenario and I burst into tears when I read it because, even after many years, that is exactly how I feel! I feel such a sense of sadness and loss. Not just for myself but also for my husband. Even if he doesn't seem sad about it he must be suffering in some way too. I have tried my best to talk to him but he just won't open up.

Anyway, I don't even know if there is answer to this problem or if simply asking this question gives me a platform to express my sadness. In any case, I am grateful for the internet and web sites like this one because after reading about other people's (similar) situations I don't feel nearly as alone.

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just been reading all youre comments and am glad am not the on;ly one , me and my husband have a 5 week old baby and since having her ive been more horney then ever but he is not interested, the only time we will do it is when i complain about it so its just to shut me up.
i have also fou7nd out that he watches porn and that confuses me because why? what do they have that i dont? makes me feel like crap ,ugly and fat . should i start watching it or chat website just for somone to make me feel good .please somone give me ansers lol thanks .

February 4, 2013 - 4:07am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to KAM1991)

Check out http://site.themarriagebed.com/
It's a great site with lots of advice on marriage, intimacy etc.
Hope this helps! Good luck!

February 20, 2013 - 7:39am

My first thought: underlying or unresolved issues in the marriage. Since this has been going on for 20 years, marriage counseling could do wonders for you both! There seem to be some communication flaws, and he is blaming you for things...I'm wondering if he is using sex as the platform to place blame and shun responsibility...in lieu of other areas in the relationship? (It does not have to be a dramatic topic or reason; being together with someone so long...the smallest, seemingly benign topics can become bigger and more important when left unresolved).

At any rate, attending a few marriage counseling sessions would do your marriage good, even if just improving communication and understanding of each other.

Here are the "best responses" compiled from other people's circumstances that you may find useful: Helpful Relationship and Sex Articles:

December 28, 2010 - 11:32am
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