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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Why doesn't he want me sexually? Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment93 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Sex and relationships don't seem as important to people today. Life and society has changed drastically over many years. Men are suspicious of women in many cases. Women have become more successful and independent having more individual success and of course higher earnings. Men aren't needed as they were many years ago. Plus when relationships fail after marriage, most times the laws favor the women and it can ruin men financially for many years. Women have become more vocal in their likes, dislikes and demands, thus men began to view sexual relations as being performance based rather than a fun and loving activity.

Many years ago there just wasn't as many things to occupy our personal time. Now we have advanced communications devices, TV, PC's, cell phones etc, that connect us to the world, isolation caused by such things resulting in lose of interpersonal skills, which basically means we don't know how to interact with each other. Many years ago none of these devices existed so there simply wasn't as many things taking up our time so the next best thing was there was more time for love making. Also, scientists have noticed in recent years testosterone levels in men and boys have been dropping for many years. Who knows why that is, but the end result is the lower the testosterone, the less likely males will want or need sex.

I'm also guessing that church attendance has fallen and there seems to be a certain level of moral decay, thus relationships lack the respect we've once had for each other, the value of the relationship and the individual. It's too easy just to give up and move on when things don't go as expected, rather than communicate and find answers to what's wrong and fix it. It's all about total respect for your significant or even insignificant other.

April 6, 2018 - 4:51pm
EmpowHER Guest

Male viewpoint here. I am 42 years old and up until now I've been very active. My current girlfriend has refused me 9 out of 10 times, I don't blame her, I know she has health issues and not always willing, but all of a sudden, I find it a chore just to initiate knowing that I will be refused. I found myself quickly losing my libido to the point that now I am the one refusing, and it's not to get back at her like a passive aggressive way. I honestly do not want it anymore. Yet I am still happy with her. I will go out of my way to avoid it now. The longer I've been without the easier it gets, I was depressed about it but now I'm actually doing well. I've found I'm much more passive as well. I'm actually afraid to do it again because I don't want to be right back where I started. I guess at 42 my sex life is over but I feel that I'm old enough that it doesn't bother me so much, I had my time. People change.

March 9, 2018 - 10:04am
EmpowHER Guest

So I've know my current boyfriend for five years. Met him at work-been dating officially for two years.
We had great times together but a lot of downright hard times... Sex was never the problem though. He would always touch me kiss me always want sex from me which at times too much. But now. He rarely touches me we never kiss with our tongues just peck and sex is dwindling. I've mentioned it trying in joking way but he knows I'm serious. I'm going out of my mind is he cheating on me does he not love me. Or attracted to me anymore ... I don't know what to do anymore point of being awkward empty just lying in bed and at times me crying myself to sleep

February 3, 2018 - 12:10am
EmpowHER Guest

Can anyone out there provide some feedback for me?

I recently met a guy, about a month and a half ago. Very unexpectedly. We've been casually spending time together but I wouldnt say on a "dating" level. We don't go out and have dates, I spend most of the time at his place drinking wine, talking for hours and NOT having sex. Now don't get me wrong, things happen. Like really good things. Things that make you question why he doesn't want to have sex with me. Sometimes its so good that you wonder if sex really needed to happen? So its been about 4 situations now that most people in my shoes would think sex would happen. And it never does. I mean moments are so insane that I think wow this guy has some MAJOR self control. And hes smart he knows it can go there anytime. But at the same time, why doesn't he want to have sex with me?

What does it mean when a guy isn't sleeping with you but isn't "dating you" either. Like at some level Im like this is just fun?? Because if it was meaningless fun wouldn't it have happened? I'm just curious about insight if anyone has been here or if any guy has an opinion.

November 14, 2017 - 11:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have the same situation going on. We hang out at his place and talk. We get along great. Conversation flows easily, we laugh....... but, no sex. We’ve fooled around a bit, but he always seems to pump the breaks and never takes it all the way. I’m starting to wonder if he finds me attractive or what the hell his deal is. I feel like I’m a high school boy hoping to take his girls virginity or something. I’ve never had this happen before. One of my guy friends said maybe he actually respects you and wants to take it slow. He said if he wanted sex right away, it would’ve just been a hook up and it would never turn into anything serious, but idk. All I know is, I’m getting really sexually frustrated!!!!! I want the D already!! Lol

February 13, 2018 - 2:05pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Oh my goodness, this exact thing is happening to me right now!! Literally word for word!! I came here looking for the same answers too but I'm at a lost like you, girl! I'm not sure whether to give up with the guy or stay a little longer to make sure I'm not jumping the gun; but yeah I've never had this happen before and it's a little disconcerting to say the least! Hopefully we can help each other out here! :) x

December 29, 2017 - 10:10pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I've never posted or anything like this before.
I really love my man. I'd do anything for him. We work together everyday. And the time we do have is spent mainly sleeping, cleaning, or watching movies. Well I don't watch them.
Recently, as in the last few months, it seems like he does so much stuff to avoid me. He's literally ALWAYS doing something. Then when it's time for bed he says He's exhausted.
I thought it was me for the longest. Sometimes i still do. Was I too fat? Was it because I cut my hair? He does like long haired girls more.
This article helped me understand just a little bit more. I don't know how to fix it. But at least I have somewhere to start.

November 5, 2017 - 9:44am
EmpowHER Guest

Like a lot of other women on her, I went thru the same things with my ex. But unlike a lot of posts, there were a lot more problems in my relationship. We were together three years before I found out he was seeing someone else. Keeping two women satisfied, or was she going without. I don't know. All I know is that for those first three years, I felt so loved, desired and wanted. But the life was a lie. After I found out about her, I was devastated. He asked for another chance, swore he would never hurt me again, and since I loved him so much I gave him that chance. Two months later, I find out he's texting a different woman wanting sex from her. He said it was a joke, didn't mean anything, they were friends. Ok. After I took him back, all I can think of is that the challenge was over. Our sex life declined. It should have been me, but it wasn't. I tried a lot of things. Body stockings, negligee, maid costumes, wigs, being myself, trying to kiss him, hug him. He would tell me he didn't want to kiss or hug if he wasn't feeling like he wanted sex. I was rejected over and over. The hurt of rejection is horrible. I would try to tell him that, and it would end up in a fight. He was very defensive always. He was on dating sites a lot. I caught him, but never saw where he had sent messages. He said it was fun to look. And porn was definitely a problem. I spent so many nights in bed lonely, crying, while he was on the computer. He was a truck driver. I thought he would be missing me and want me when he got off the road. But no. My trust with him was totally gone. The affair, the porn, dating sites, texts to another woman, not answering his phone when I called, all led to my distrust. But as pathetic as I am, I would still be with him if he had showed me affection and had sex with me. I always felt he was getting it somewhere else. This article did explain a lot though. I always felt his libido would pick up with someone new. I am a good woman, smart, beautiful, giving, everything. But I couldn't be bright, shiny and new to him. So now I'm bright, shiny and new to someone else. And the sex is great. For now.

September 3, 2017 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

It's an unfortunate place to be when you've been bamboozled by someone who can play the part of a loving partner but not actually 'be' that loving partner, but a fraud. People who cheat will justify it to make up for being a weak, selfish and insecure person who cannot communicate effectively. Being a strong person with good character may notice attractive people, but their self respect and dignity and their commitment to their relationship will supersede any temptation.

You were the strong one in that relationship, it just to you some time to realize who you were dealing with. His lack of character and his actions that followed were more of a reflection of his weak character, not yours.

November 14, 2017 - 8:19am
EmpowHER Guest

As a man, I seriously cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a woman who actually gave a fig about having sex. From my experience, women want sex to accomplish two goals: getting married and having kids. Once those two goals are met, there is no longer any need for sex. From that point on, sex becomes something a woman does to please the man, essentially, to keep him around. If the man had some kind of accident and lost his ability to have sex, there would be no real loss to the relationship from the woman’s point of view, simply because the woman never really cared about sex to begin with. I’m sure there are rare women out there who actually want sex and are truly interested in the subject, it has simply been my experience that such women are extremely few and far between.

June 11, 2017 - 2:16am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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