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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I’m 27 years old female
My boyfriend is my best friend. We have known eachother for 10 years before we started dating. We have been together for 3 months now and we haven’t had sex at all. We cuddle,kiss, hold hands he shows me a lot of love and affection but he rejects me when I want to move further.
I will go to touch him and he moves my hand away or just walks away. We cuddle in bed and stay up talking and I’ll suggest a different “activity” since we aren’t sleeping anyways and he says he’s too tired and then he will stay up talking and cuddling for another hour. I don’t understand why he is like this and it’s hurts he won’t tell me. He won’t even talk about it

October 10, 2019 - 6:42am
EmpowHER Guest

This happened to me in my 20s. My ex refused to touch me at all in the last year we were together and it completely wrecked my self confidence. I've always had a high sex drive and consider sex to be a display of love and a way to bond. So having a man refuse to go near me was soul destroying. I did everything I could to be the perfect girlfriend and it had no effect. And I'd never heard any women discuss this situation (usually it's the opposite way around) so couldn't talk to anyone.

He eventually admitted he was gay and had been chatting/flirting with men online for years. Logically, I know he can't help the way he is wired and I shouldn't take it personally. But living like that for so long has destroyed my self image.

My sex drive is ridiculous now, as I feel like I need to prove men still like me. But at the same time there are far less available men in my dating pool who want a relationship and I'm not interested in one night stands or married men. So I feel as though I'll be alone forever now. If I liked younger men, then I'd become a cougar as there are far more single guys under 35, but I don't.

I am sympathetic to anyone stuck in a dead marriage (especially those with kids who feel trapped). It is a horrible experience that can have a huge and ongoing impact on your life.

January 4, 2019 - 8:12pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm 34 and feel like I will never find anyone that I actually want to live with. I wish I could just love separately from my husband so I can desire him more. Too much daily interaction just send like to much. I need some space to even feel like recon eating in any way.

September 9, 2019 - 4:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

Married male, 63. Wife "cut me off" more than 17 years ago. No birthday sex, no valentines sex, no anniversary sex, nothing. I cannot live without it--so I masturbate at least once a day. She "catches me" at it every 3 or 4 years and gets very mad--usually a couple weeks without speaking. I have suggested we go see a counselor, that is also turned down immediately. I see no point in going to counseling on my own. My only sex life is me and internet porn--and that is starting to not be very satisfying. I long for the tough of and to touch a women.

December 30, 2018 - 9:59am
EmpowHER Guest

I have no sympathy for women not getting any. Welcome to the club! I hate being a sexual guy because most women that I involve myself with start playing witholding games with me(I'm a good looking guy)... I get so frustrated that when I'm out partying when I see a girl lustfully checking me out I delibertly look at her and do nothing. I'm happy to see when she gets angry. In the end nobody had any sex and we would all be a lot more frustrated. Stupid...

June 21, 2018 - 11:43am
EmpowHER Guest

Sex and relationships don't seem as important to people today. Life and society has changed drastically over many years. Men are suspicious of women in many cases. Women have become more successful and independent having more individual success and of course higher earnings. Men aren't needed as they were many years ago. Plus when relationships fail after marriage, most times the laws favor the women and it can ruin men financially for many years. Women have become more vocal in their likes, dislikes and demands, thus men began to view sexual relations as being performance based rather than a fun and loving activity.

Many years ago there just wasn't as many things to occupy our personal time. Now we have advanced communications devices, TV, PC's, cell phones etc, that connect us to the world, isolation caused by such things resulting in lose of interpersonal skills, which basically means we don't know how to interact with each other. Many years ago none of these devices existed so there simply wasn't as many things taking up our time so the next best thing was there was more time for love making. Also, scientists have noticed in recent years testosterone levels in men and boys have been dropping for many years. Who knows why that is, but the end result is the lower the testosterone, the less likely males will want or need sex.

I'm also guessing that church attendance has fallen and there seems to be a certain level of moral decay, thus relationships lack the respect we've once had for each other, the value of the relationship and the individual. It's too easy just to give up and move on when things don't go as expected, rather than communicate and find answers to what's wrong and fix it. It's all about total respect for your significant or even insignificant other.

April 6, 2018 - 4:51pm
EmpowHER Guest

Male viewpoint here. I am 42 years old and up until now I've been very active. My current girlfriend has refused me 9 out of 10 times, I don't blame her, I know she has health issues and not always willing, but all of a sudden, I find it a chore just to initiate knowing that I will be refused. I found myself quickly losing my libido to the point that now I am the one refusing, and it's not to get back at her like a passive aggressive way. I honestly do not want it anymore. Yet I am still happy with her. I will go out of my way to avoid it now. The longer I've been without the easier it gets, I was depressed about it but now I'm actually doing well. I've found I'm much more passive as well. I'm actually afraid to do it again because I don't want to be right back where I started. I guess at 42 my sex life is over but I feel that I'm old enough that it doesn't bother me so much, I had my time. People change.

March 9, 2018 - 10:04am
EmpowHER Guest

So I've know my current boyfriend for five years. Met him at work-been dating officially for two years.
We had great times together but a lot of downright hard times... Sex was never the problem though. He would always touch me kiss me always want sex from me which at times too much. But now. He rarely touches me we never kiss with our tongues just peck and sex is dwindling. I've mentioned it trying in joking way but he knows I'm serious. I'm going out of my mind is he cheating on me does he not love me. Or attracted to me anymore ... I don't know what to do anymore point of being awkward empty just lying in bed and at times me crying myself to sleep

February 3, 2018 - 12:10am
EmpowHER Guest

Can anyone out there provide some feedback for me?

I recently met a guy, about a month and a half ago. Very unexpectedly. We've been casually spending time together but I wouldnt say on a "dating" level. We don't go out and have dates, I spend most of the time at his place drinking wine, talking for hours and NOT having sex. Now don't get me wrong, things happen. Like really good things. Things that make you question why he doesn't want to have sex with me. Sometimes its so good that you wonder if sex really needed to happen? So its been about 4 situations now that most people in my shoes would think sex would happen. And it never does. I mean moments are so insane that I think wow this guy has some MAJOR self control. And hes smart he knows it can go there anytime. But at the same time, why doesn't he want to have sex with me?

What does it mean when a guy isn't sleeping with you but isn't "dating you" either. Like at some level Im like this is just fun?? Because if it was meaningless fun wouldn't it have happened? I'm just curious about insight if anyone has been here or if any guy has an opinion.

November 14, 2017 - 11:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have the same situation going on. We hang out at his place and talk. We get along great. Conversation flows easily, we laugh....... but, no sex. We’ve fooled around a bit, but he always seems to pump the breaks and never takes it all the way. I’m starting to wonder if he finds me attractive or what the hell his deal is. I feel like I’m a high school boy hoping to take his girls virginity or something. I’ve never had this happen before. One of my guy friends said maybe he actually respects you and wants to take it slow. He said if he wanted sex right away, it would’ve just been a hook up and it would never turn into anything serious, but idk. All I know is, I’m getting really sexually frustrated!!!!! I want the D already!! Lol

February 13, 2018 - 2:05pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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